Absolution(29)

Tears spilled down his cheeks, but she wasn’t finished.

“Why didn’t you call? Or write or email – why didn’t you at least try? Did you even think about me at all?”

“I never stopped thinking about you,” he whispered, chin quivering.

It was on the tip of her tongue to call him a liar again, but something was wrong. He stared at her, and for an instant, she saw through the mask. Buried so deep it was barely visible, was the truth, and when she saw it, it took her breath away.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I never meant for any of this to happen. I was weak and I was wrong and I’m so sorry.”

She hung her head, her hair falling forward to shield her expression as she swiped a tear off her cheek with a quick flick of her finger.

“I always meant to come home,” he said. “I just never thought it’d be for Dad’s funeral.”

Her heart seized at his reference to Tom and the hole in her heart magnified. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him running a hand down his face.

“The longer I stayed away, the more I thought you’d hate me. And after a while, I didn’t think that coming home would do any good.”

The silence mounted around them. She stared at her drink, not having the strength to lift the glass and take another sip.

“It took me a long time to realise you weren’t coming back,” she said, her hair falling away from her face as she looked up.

The air around them crackled with words they couldn’t bring themselves to say, or hear. Sometime over the past few minutes, her anger had dissipated. The disappointment and betrayal, the heartache – all of it had gone, withered inside of her. What was left in its wake was an intense sadness, a longing for the lost years and the road not travelled. She wasn’t the only one who had suffered. He had suffered too, she could see that now.

Jack reached over to lay a trembling hand on hers. Her skin tingled, memories flooding back, stealing her strength and adding to the overall sense of emptiness.

“I never meant to hurt you,” he whispered. “Please Ally. I’m so sorry.”



Jack sat at the table and stared at the space across from him that Ally had vacated. The sun had gone down an hour ago, plunging the house into darkness, yet he didn’t move. He could still feel her hand beneath his and he flexed his fingers, longing to touch her again.

His heart had soared when he had seen her standing outside the church, but from what he had seen since, it was clear that all was not as it seemed. He had been so close to throwing his bag into the back of the car and taking off again. And then he saw a car pull up in front of the house. He felt like a voyeur, watching as she got out of the car, walked up the front path and up the steps. His heart beat so loud in his chest that he thought it might break a rib. Yes, she was walking, but obviously it wasn’t as simple as that. She seemed to have limited control over her body and he desperately wanted to ask her about that, but he wasn’t sure he had the right to – and he was terrified at what she might tell him.

His self-respect plummeted to an all-time low. He had lied to her by omission. That wasn’t part of his plan. He had planned to tell her the truth, he was going to lay it at her feet and let her decide then if she would forgive him or not. He had not planned to give her half-truths and echoes.

What have I done?

After everything that had happened over the past few days, all his noble intentions, his promises to his father, the bargains he made with himself, why lie now? Why not tell her the truth – all of it? The answer seemed simple enough: what if, when she knew the truth, she turned him away? It was as if he had returned to the same crossroads of four years earlier. Stay or go?

She didn’t want to talk about the accident at all – she barely mentioned it, she said she didn’t remember it. Was that a blessing or a curse? She wasn’t angry about it either, she was angry that he had left the way he did, without saying goodbye. He groaned, berating himself once again. If only he had stayed and talked to her then. Maybe she would have forgiven him. Maybe she would have hated him even more. Maybe she still would, when he told her the truth now.

He had to make her understand, but the idea was a lot simpler than the reality. He wished his father were here. He longed for his phone to ring, to hear his father’s voice one more time. He needed help to get through this.

A knock on the door startled him. If Ally had come back, he needed to tell her now, before he lost his nerve. He pushed the chair back and headed for the front door, flicking on the porch light on the way. Readying himself mentally, he opened the door.