A Year at the French Farmhouse(56)

‘And, look, I was thinking – and I’m so sorry – that I’d really, really like to go home and see him,’ Emily said, looking at Lily guiltily.

Lily’s heart turned over in her chest. ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Of course you must.’

What she actually wanted to say was, Don’t leave me. Despite the drunken display, the 3 a.m. loir emergencies and the fact that her friend had now pointed out Frédérique’s resemblance to a noughties Russell C., she’d become used to having Emily around. She had made things feel, if not relaxing exactly, then more like a holiday.

But when Emily left she’d be alone with the house.

Still, she smiled, and hugged her friend and did all the things a grown-up person was supposed to do. And reminded herself how incredibly, incredibly lucky they both were that the biopsy had been the end of the story.

Yet Chris’s words had struck her: that he was there ‘no matter what.’ It was exactly how she’d felt about Ben until just under a month ago. That certainty. Suddenly and so viscerally it took her breath away, she was reminded just how much she missed him.

As soon as they arrived back at the house and she was alone in the kitchen, she slipped her phone from her pocket and messaged Ben.

Thinking about you.





His reply came almost instantly.

You too.





Can’t we do anything to make it work?





She ventured.

I can’t.





He replied.

His words felt physically painful to read. She felt both hurt and embarrassed and wished she could pluck her message straight back from cyber space. That was the problem with being truly open. You were exposed, vulnerable. She hated feeling that way.

‘You’ll be all right, you know,’ a voice said behind her.

She spun around, hiding her phone like a guilty teenager. ‘Oh, Em. I was just—’

‘Let me guess… texting Frédérique and arranging a hot date?’

But Lily couldn’t join in with the banter. ‘Honestly, that isn’t something that’s going to happen, Em. I’m still married, and I still want to be.’

‘I know, love.’

‘I was actually texting Ben.’

‘Oh.’

‘Said I was thinking about him. He said the same. So… for once I said it – I asked if we could make it work. But… no.’

‘The man’s an idiot.’

‘Maybe,’ said Lily.

‘Hey, don’t cry!’ Em stepped forward and wrapped an arm around her shoulder.

‘I’m not… not really. I’m just. You know what I’m like. It takes a lot to…’

‘Ask?’

‘Well… yes. I don’t know why. But it does.’

‘I know.’

‘And hearing what Chris said about you, about going through it all together, just brings it home that Ben doesn’t seem to feel that way about me. At least not any more.’

‘God, I’m sorry, Lil—’

‘No, don’t be… I’m just feeling sorry for myself.’

‘You have every right to, you know? I think you’re being incredibly strong,’ said her friend loyally.

‘I’ve just got to accept it,’ Lily said, straightening up and taking a breath. ‘I’ve got to accept that he doesn’t love me enough.’





19





The airport entrance was packed with people, rolling suitcases or sitting on the shiny plastic seats in the waiting area. The queue for the checkin desk had already started to form – a mixture of visitors returning home or expats taking a trip to the motherland. As soon as they’d walked through the sliding doors, Lily felt a lump in her throat.

Emily was her family. All the ‘real’ adult family she had left. And she didn’t want her to go.

But it wasn’t about her. Emily had her own life to lead too. So she swallowed the feeling as best she could and masked it with a smile.

‘Love you,’ she said, giving Emily a squeeze.

‘Oh god. You too,’ her friend replied. ‘And look, I’ll be back to check up on you in a few weeks. It’s less expensive than hopping on a train into town.’

‘Thank you. I’d love that. And bring Chris, maybe?’

‘Thanks. Maybe. Hey, maybe we can double-date with you and Freddy.’ Emily’s eyes sparkled with mischief and Lily was struck suddenly by the fact that this was the first time she’d seen her friend’s genuine, cheeky smile since she’d arrived. ‘Only joking. And, look. You’ll be OK,’ Emily added, rubbing Lily’s shoulder. ‘I think you’re going to have a brilliant adventure.’

‘Thank you.’ She’d promised herself she wouldn’t cry. After all, it wasn’t as if she’d moved over with Emily or expected her to stay long term.

‘And you’re going to that party, right?’ Emily said, looking at her insistently.

‘I thought you said it would be a complete bore?’

‘Ah, but you don’t want to listen to anything I said during this trip. Most of the time I was either drinking too much or hungover,’ Emily quipped. ‘Seriously, though, I think you should go. It’ll be good to meet some new people – make some proper connections.’