A Very Large Expanse of Sea(25)
I looked at him. Really looked at him. There was something in Jacobi’s eyes that was sympathetic in a way I’d never experienced before. It wasn’t pity. It was recognition. He actually seemed to acknowledge me, my pain, and my anger, in a way no one else ever had.
Not my parents. Not even my brother.
I felt suddenly like I’d been pierced in the chest. I felt suddenly like I wanted to cry.
“Just try to be happy,” Jacobi finally said to me. “Your happiness is the one thing these assholes can’t stand.”
13
Thirteen
All afternoon, I’d been thinking about what Jacobi said to me. I got home and I took a shower and I thought about it. All through dinner, I thought about it. I sat at my desk and stared at the wall and listened to music and thought about it and thought about it and thought about it.
I locked myself in my bedroom and thought about it.
It was just past nine o’clock. The house was still. These were the quiet hours before my parents demanded I be asleep—the hours during which all members of my family performed a small mercy and left one another alone for a while. I was sitting in bed, staring at a blank page in my journal.
Thinking.
I wondered, for the very first time, if maybe I was doing this whole thing wrong. If maybe I’d allowed myself to be blinded by my own anger to the exclusion of all else. If maybe, just maybe, I’d been so determined not to be stereotyped that I’d begun to stereotype everyone around me.
It made me think about Ocean.
He kept trying to be nice to me and, in an unexpected turn of events, his kindness left me angry and confused. I pushed him away because I was afraid to be even remotely close to someone who, I was certain, would one day hurt me. I trusted no one anymore. I was so raw from repeated exposure to cruelty that now even the most minor abrasions left a mark. The checkout lady at the grocery store would be rude to me and her simple unkindness would unnerve me for the rest of the day because I never knew—I had no way of knowing— Are you racist? Or are you just having a bad day?
I could no longer distinguish people from monsters.
I looked out at the world around me and no longer saw nuance. I saw nothing but the potential for pain and the subsequent need to protect myself, constantly.
Damn, I thought.
This really was exhausting.
I sighed and picked up my phone.
hey. why weren’t you in class today?
Ocean responded right away.
wow
i didn’t think you’d notice i was gone can you get online?
I smiled.
jujehpolo: Hey
riversandoceans04: Hi
riversandoceans04: Sorry for bailing on you in bio riversandoceans04: No one should have to slice into a dead cat by themselves jujehpolo: It really is, like, the worst school assignment I’ve ever had riversandoceans04: Same here
And then—
I wasn’t sure why, exactly, but I had this sudden, strange feeling that something was wrong. It was hard to tell from a few typed words, but I felt it in my gut. Ocean seemed off, somehow, and I couldn’t shake it.
jujehpolo: Hey, is everything okay?
riversandoceans04: Yeah
riversandoceans04: Sort of
I waited.
I waited and nothing happened. He wrote nothing else.
jujehpolo: You don’t want to talk about it?
riversandoceans04: Not really
jujehpolo: Did you get in trouble for ditching class?
riversandoceans04: No
jujehpolo: Are you in trouble for something else?
riversandoceans04: Lol
riversandoceans04: You do realize this is the exact opposite of not talking about it, right jujehpolo: Yes
riversandoceans04: But we’re still talking about it jujehpolo: I’m worried I got you in trouble And then, our messages crossed paths in the ether: I wrote my brother didn’t bother you, did he? and Ocean wrote don’t worry, it has nothing to do with you And then— riversandoceans04: What?
riversandoceans04: Why would your brother bother me?
riversandoceans04: I didn’t even know you had a brother riversandoceans04: Wait
riversandoceans04: You told your brother about me?
Shit.
jujehpolo: Apparently Mr. Jordan is supervising our breakdancing club jujehpolo: He told my brother I ditched class with a guy today jujehpolo: And my brother was mad
jujehpolo: It’s fine now. I told him what happened.
riversandoceans04: Oh
riversandoceans04: So what does that have to do with your brother bothering me jujehpolo: Nothing
jujehpolo: He just thought we’d ditched class together riversandoceans04: But we did
jujehpolo: I know
riversandoceans04: So your brother hates me now?
jujehpolo: He doesn’t even know you
jujehpolo: He was just being overprotective riversandoceans04: Wait a second, who’s your brother again? He goes to our school?
jujehpolo: Yeah. He’s a senior. His name is Navid.
riversandoceans04: Oh
riversandoceans04: I don’t think I know him.
jujehpolo: You probably wouldn’t
riversandoceans04: So should I be worried?
riversandoceans04: About your brother?
jujehpolo: No
jujehpolo: Lol jujehpolo: Listen, I’m not trying to freak you out, I’m sorry riversandoceans04: I’m not freaked out