A Matter Of Justice (Grey Justice #4)(66)

“You’re right, I did. It was wrong of me. Thomas O’Connell’s murder brought back all the memories I’d done my best to push aside.”

“The minute Reed reentered our lives, I felt us begin to crumble. And then—”

“You’re still angry about his death.”

“Angry? Devastated might be a more correct term.”

“Are we going to rehash this? I—”

“You still don’t get it, do you, Grey? For more than a decade, the man was the only father figure I’d ever known. Yes, he was hideous. Yes, he was a monster. And yes, he deserved to die. But killing him broke something inside of me.”

Her words stabbed through him as he saw the event through her eyes. Hill Reed had tried to turn a small child into a killer. Irelyn had fought his teachings as much as she could, but his influence had been great. She had done things she hated herself for, would never forgive herself for. But Reed had also given her a home, food to eat, and an odd, if sick, kind of affection.

Grey had told her he forgave her, but had he really? By insisting she do the one thing Reed had never been able to get her to do, Grey, not Reed, had turned her into an assassin.

“I never completely understood how it was for you to kill him. That was damn selfish of me. We both knew the man had to be ended. After what he did to you, you deserved to be the one to do it, but I failed to foresee how that would affect you going forward and I’m very sorry for that.”

He wasn’t usually so inept at reading a situation, but he admitted to a total screw-up with this. His focus had been on finally ridding the world of Hill Reed, but he had missed the most important part. He had treated Irelyn as if she were a killer. She had fought so damn hard to overcome her past, and he had pushed all of that aside without an ounce of awareness of what it might do to her.

“I felt as though, after all these years, you were punishing me for your parents.”

Was she right? Hell, had he been punishing her? Had he deluded himself into making the event into some kind of noble cause when instead it had been payback? The thought sickened him.

“Why didn’t you tell me, Irelyn?”

“Because you were implacable, so determined. And as much as I hated everything about it, I knew it had to be done. Hill should have died long ago.”

“Yes, he should have.” Rarely tentative in any aspect of his life, Grey felt so now as he reached out and smoothed his hand over Irelyn’s silky hair. Nothing in her life had ever been easy, and he’d expected her to do this incredibly difficult thing without considering how much it would cost her. He had known it might destroy their relationship, but he hadn’t considered that it might well have destroyed her, too.

“I’m sorry. I should have been the one to do it. Not you.”

“No, Grey. Please. Let’s not do this again. What’s done is done. Let’s figure out a way to move forward.”

“Can we? Move forward?”

“If you can forgive me for your parents, how can I not forgive you for this? Let’s put the past where it belongs.”

She was right. Rehashing the past would never push them forward.

“Very well. Want to tell me what you’ve been doing for the last two years?”

“You mean besides trying to get back inside Hill House?”

As much as he hated it, he had to ask. “If I hadn’t instigated...” He held up a hand. “I won’t say forced, because as you’ve said before, if you had outright refused, I wouldn’t have pushed it, but I did instigate Hill’s death. So tell me, if I hadn’t done that, would you have gone about trying to get back into Hill House by killing those assassins?”

“I don’t know. Once Hill told me I had a brother, my sole focus was on finding him. And I knew the only way to find him was to get inside and find his file.”

“And then when you found out I was your brother’s next target?”

“I had to stop him, of course. If you’re asking me if I regret shooting Kevin, I can only say I’m very sorry he’s dead. But I could not let him kill you.”

She hadn’t needed to tell him—he had known that. Despite all the pain, sorrow, and anger throughout their life together, they cared for one another. Most would never understand their mutual devotion, but that was all right.

“Now I’m worried that all of that was too easy,” she said.

Glad they’d gotten past the roughest part of their talk, Grey moved closer to her on the sofa. Only their shoulders touched, and that was good for right now. Her warmth beside him felt perfect.

“What was too easy?”

“Getting inside was tough, I’ll admit. Even though those men were the lowest scum in the universe, and I don’t regret their deaths, I hated what I had to do. If there had been another way—”

He squeezed her hand. “You would have taken it, Irelyn.”

He felt her soft sigh before she answered, “Yes, I would have. Other than to accept a contract for a hit, which I never would have done, taking out well-known assassins was the only way I knew to impress Dark.”

She would need to tell him about them at some point. He knew that from experience. If not, it would eat at her soul.

“And then Dark’s invitation came?”

“Yes. By courier, which is exactly the way Reed would have contacted me.”