A Different Blue(19)

apartment and still I lay, staring at the ceiling and the brown water-mark that faintly

resembled a lumbering elephant. I had named the water-mark Dolores and even talked to her

periodically. As I stared, Dolores started to blur and grow, like one of those spongey things

that expand when you put them in water. It took me a moment to realize that I was crying, that

it was not Dolores who was floating away, it was me. Floating, floating, away.

Something slid down my cheek and splattered on my arm, and I shook myself, looking down in

surprise where my arms framed the page Wilson had positioned in front of me. I ducked my head

and grabbed my purse, surreptitiously blotting the moisture from my face. I grabbed my compact,

checking my eye makeup for tell-tale streaks. What in the hell had gotten into me?! Crying in

history class? I threw my purse down and gripped my pencil, determined to be done with the

assignment.



“Once upon a time there was a little blackbird, pushed from the nest, unwanted. Discarded. Then

a Hawk found her and swooped her up and carried her away, giving her a home in his nest,

teaching her to fly. But one day the Hawk didn't come home, and the little bird was alone again,

unwanted. She wanted to fly away.”



I stopped writing, remembering. I waited until Cheryl left for work and then I went into the

bathroom and filled the tub. I stripped off my clothes and sunk beneath the surface refusing to

think about Cheryl finding me, seeing me naked. My body had started to change and show signs of

maturity, and the thought of anyone seeing my privates was almost enough to make me change my

mind about what I was determined to do. I forced my mind up and beyond the dumpy bathroom with

the peeling paint and the dirty linoleum. I willed myself to fly away like the hawk I had seen

the day Jimmy disappeared. It had come into the camp and sat on a branch of the scrubby pine

just above my head. I had held my breath, watching him as he watched me. I hadn't dared move.

Jimmy had told me hawks were special messengers. I had wondered what message he was bringing me.

Now I knew. He was telling me Jimmy was gone. My lungs screamed, demanding that I lift my face

from the bath water, but I ignored the pain. I was going to float away like the star maiden in

my favorite story. I was going to drift up into the sky world and dance with the other star

maidens. Maybe I would see Jimmy again.

Suddenly, I was being pulled from the water by my hair and flopped on the bathroom floor. My

back was being slapped repeatedly. I coughed and sputtered, plummeting back to the earth.

“What the hell, kid!? You scared the shit outta me!! What are you tryin' to do? Did you fall

asleep in there? Holy hell! I thought you were dead!” Cheryl's boyfriend Donnie was crouched

beside me. Suddenly his eyes were everywhere, and he ceased his babbling. I drew my legs up,

covering myself as I scooted to the narrow space between the toilet and the cheap vanity. He

watched me go.

“You okay?” he eased closer.

“Get out, Donnie,” I ordered, but the coughing that wracked me weakened my demand.

“Just tryin' to help you, kid.” Donnie was peering at the length of my wet legs, which was all

he could see at the moment. But he had seen it all when he pulled me from the bath water. I made

myself as small as possible, my long black hair sticking to me in stringy clumps, providing