A Curve in the Road(54)

“You’re right. I’ll make an appointment.”

Nathan gives Winston a light scratch behind the ears. “Otherwise, you’re doing okay?”

I shrug. “Some days are better than others. There are just so many details to take care of, like banking issues or Alan’s magazine subscriptions that need to be canceled. Every day, something comes in the mail that I need to deal with. And I want to clean out the closet and get rid of his stuff, which is starting to collect dust, but part of me can’t bring myself to do it, while the other part of me just wants to burn it all because I’m still so mad at him. That said, I don’t want Zack to see an angry display and suspect something’s wrong, beyond the obvious—that his father is dead.”

I speak the words harshly, and my stomach turns over with disgust that I can sound so cavalier and bitter about my husband’s passing. What sort of woman am I becoming? I don’t want to be bitter.

Tears spring to my eyes. I work hard to blink them back.

“That came out wrong,” I say, looking down at the floor and shaking my head. “You must think I’m a terrible person.”

“No, I don’t think that at all. I think you’re shouldering a lot—more than most people could handle. I’m amazed, actually, that you’re keeping it together as well as you are.”

“Well,” I say with a hint of mockery, “you didn’t see me flip out at my father-in-law after Alan’s funeral. Or pound the steering wheel after I found out the truth from Alan’s mistress. I’m doing everything I can to keep calm for Zack, but I assure you, deep down, where no one can see . . . there’s a lot of running and screaming.”

He chuckles at that. “I know the feeling. I think it’s part of being a parent. Sometimes you just want to go hide under a rock somewhere, but you have to stay strong for your kids, to keep their world upright.”

“Exactly. That’s it, in a nutshell.”

Hearing him say those words feels like an epiphany, but it isn’t. As a mother, I’ve always known it was like that, but I never heard Alan say it. I suppose when it came to our son, I was always the soldier who never left her post, while Alan obviously felt free enough to dash off and take care of himself when he needed to, knowing I’d be there, holding down the family fort. Maybe Nathan’s wife was a dependable soldier too, but she’s gone now, and he’s on his own, taking full command of the troops. Like me.

“I’m discovering very quickly,” I say, “that when you’re a single parent, you can’t afford the luxury of falling apart, because there’s no copilot to take over for you. But maybe that’s a good thing. It makes us strong.” I pause. “But still . . . there are days when I would love to have a record-breaking meltdown. There are a lot of days like that, actually.”

Nathan nods, then reaches out and rubs my upper arm with sympathy.

His touch catches me off guard and stirs an awareness in me—maybe because it’s been more than twenty years since any man other than Alan has touched me with tenderness or intimacy. But this isn’t sexual. That’s not what’s happening here. It’s something else—support and understanding—and I find myself wanting to fall into it.

Then I feel a rush of guilt because I’m accepting comfort from a good-looking man who isn’t my husband and in my heart I’m still Alan’s wife. I may be angry with him for what he did, but I can’t stop loving him. I’ll always love him, despite everything. And I miss him. I wish he were still alive, that none of this had ever happened and we could simply go back to the way things were.

But of course, that’s not possible.

“I should probably go.” I fumble to open the glass door of the exam room.

Nathan follows and escorts Winston and me down the hall to the reception area. I walk past the front desk, then stop in my tracks and turn. “Wait. I need to pay you.”

I realize I’m a bit frazzled.

He holds up a hand. “No. Please don’t worry about it.”

“But it’s a Sunday. You opened the clinic especially for me. I can’t not pay you.”

He shakes his head. “It’s not a problem. Besides, Ruby’s not here, and she’s the one who handles payments. So as you can see, my hands are tied.”

I swallow uneasily. “Okay. Have her send me a bill then?”

He shrugs a shoulder and grins, as if to say he probably won’t.

I let out a breath and take in the features of his face.

He truly is a handsome man. I hadn’t actually noticed before today. I suppose I’ve been walking around in a daze. It’s nice to know something in me is still awake and breathing.

Shaking my head to clear it, I turn to go and lead Winston across the reception area. Nathan follows and holds the door open for us. “Good night, Abbie. Get home safely.”

“I will. And I’ll see you later. Thanks again.”

I lead Winston to the car, and he leaps into the back seat and turns a few circles, tail swishing back and forth, as if something fun and exciting is about to happen. His enthusiasm is infectious.

“What are you so happy about?” I ask, laughing and rubbing his head.

As I get into the driver’s seat and start the car, I realize I’m still smiling. Maybe it’s because I’m starting to believe there might actually be a light at the end of this dark tunnel, and that I’m going to be okay . . . eventually, like Nathan. I just have to keep getting out of bed each day and putting one foot in front of the other. Like all good soldiers must.