A Cosmic Kind of Love(87)

“Oh, Chris.”

Remorse cut through me. “It wasn’t shame. It was pain. And now I think I know why he pushed me even further away after Miguel was killed.”

“Too much loss,” Hallie whispered.

“Exactly.” Emotion thickened my voice. “He’s lost so much. Control is all he has.”

“And if he doesn’t get too close to you, somehow he thinks it’ll hurt less if he loses you?”

“Maybe.” I nodded, unbearably sad for my father. “Do you think that’s why he kept my mother at arm’s length?”

“I don’t know.”

“Did he love her, or did he marry someone he knew he would never really love?”

Hallie suddenly climbed into my lap, pressing her warm, soft body to mine in comfort. “I don’t know the answers. And you could drive yourself crazy trying to figure him out. If he doesn’t want to deal with the traumatic things that have happened in his life, you can’t make him, and you have to accept the fact that he might never change because of it.”

My arms tightened around her. “I know. I know you’re right.”

“But you have hope?”

I couldn’t lie to her. “I can’t help it. It feels like something shifted between us in his office. Maybe I should put a pause on the chapters in the book about exploring our Latino heritage while I figure things out with him? I don’t want to stall any potential progress with him right now by blindsiding him with the publication of personal family history.”

She cupped my face in her hand. “You should hope, Chris. It takes so much strength to not give up on the people you love, even when they make it difficult. You taught me that. But you can’t let your dad’s pain stop you from being who you want to be. If you want to learn Spanish, go to Mexico, research your family history; you should do all of that. And if you want to write about it, you should. I know you can find a way to do that without feeling like you’re crossing a line with your father.”

Leaning into her touch, staring into her eyes, eyes I knew I wanted to find refuge in for the rest of my life, I considered her advice. I wasn’t quite sure what the right next move was, but I could promise one thing. “No matter how complicated the situation is between me and my father, he will never be allowed to hurt you or threaten you again.”

“I know.” Her kiss was soft, meant to console only. “I believe you.”

Sighing wearily, I tucked her head under my chin and just held her for a while, taking the comfort she offered and hopefully giving it in return.

She traced soothing circles on my forearm, and my lids drooped with drowsiness as my body finally relaxed after the shit show that was this afternoon.

“Where did you go after your dad’s?” Hallie broke the silence.

“I had coffee with Darcy.”

The soothing circles stopped at the same time I felt the rigidity in her body. My eyes popped open, alert, even though she tried to hide her reaction by deliberately relaxing into me again.

Shit.

“It was just coffee,” I assured her quietly.

“Did you tell her about what happened with your father?”

I leaned away and lifted her chin so I could look in her eyes. Her expression was too carefully neutral. She was hiding from me. Hiding her . . . jealousy?

“Hallie, why would I tell Darce? We rarely talked about him when we were together, so we’re certainly not going to talk about it now. She had a huge fight with Matthias last night, and she wanted to talk to someone who wouldn’t sell the story or spread it around town behind her back. She doesn’t have a lot of friends she can trust in that respect.”

“So you’re her confidant?” Hallie tried to pull out of my arms, but I tightened my hold.

“You and I have a much stronger relationship than me and Darcy ever did, and I was also closer to you when we were just friends than I ever was with her. You can’t be jealous of her.”

The blank expression instantly slipped as she glared at me. “I can’t? My boyfriend has rekindled his friendship with his gorgeous, smart, philanthropic ex-girlfriend whom his father loved, FYI, and I can’t be jealous?”

“?‘Friendship’ being the operative word. And if you trust me, you have to know that’s all it is.” Tiredness added a sharpness to my tone.

She flinched, and I had no choice but to release her or have her struggle in my embrace.

“Fuck, Hallie . . .” I bowed my head in exhaustion as she stood up from the couch.

“So you’re saying that you wouldn’t have a problem with me being friends with an ex?”

“No.” I answered honestly, exasperated. “Hallie, I trust you. I trust you would never do that to me. She’s a friend, and we have to trust each other with our friendships. Right?”

“You’re making me feel like I’m a child for feeling this way.”

My heart lurched at her hurt expression.

“If I was suddenly having coffees and cocktails with Derek or George or whomever . . . it wouldn’t bother you just a little?”

I thought about my reaction to Derek, and remorse sliced through me. “Yeah,” I acknowledged, pushing up off the couch. I hated the wary look on her face as I approached. “Mi cielo,” I whispered, pulling her against me. “I’m sorry. You’re right. It would bother me a little.”