ALL THE RAGE (writer: T.M. Frazier)(18)

“No, that’s not what…” I started to argue with Mugs who mistook blood lust for another kind of lust.

“You don’t gotta explain shit to him,” Smoke interrupted. Lowering his voice, he whispered, “Mugs is a f*cking moron. He doesn’t get it.”

“I heard that,” Mugs said, “and what I get is that the longer we’re out here the higher the chances are of getting caught. I mean, I hate to kill and run, but we gotta f*cking go.” Mugs turned his gun on Jerry and without warning he pulled the trigger, sending a spray of dirt raining down into the hole.

“What the f*ck?” Smoke roared.

I fell to the ground and wrapped my arms around my knees, unprepared for the wave of disappointment that crashed into me like a tsunami. I blinked several times, an odd prickling feeling started behind my eyes, reminding me of the way your foot feels when you’ve been sitting funny for too long.

Smoke knelt down beside me “You okay, kid?” He tipped my chin up to meet his and oddly enough his touch didn’t send me running. Only Cody has ever managed to accomplish that, yet here was this stranger, able to do something it took me years to get comfortable, even with my best friend. When Smoke’s eyes met mine, I lost it.

For the first time in all my sixteen years of life…I cried.

Smoke wrapped his strong arms around me, pulling me against his chest. “I’ll take care of you,” Smoke said, whispering into my hair. “I’ll help you. Would you like that?” he asked and through my tears I nodded, unsure of what I was really agreeing to, but knowing that I needed whatever it was he was offering.

Then I cried some more.

That night my anger sent me running right into the arms of Smoke, and little did I know then, right onto the beginning of a new path I knew I had to take.

“Just kidding,” Mugs said suddenly. He stabbed his shovel into the ground and walked over to where we were crouched on the ground. “Look for yourself. He’s still alive. Just had to know you were serious.”

Again my heart picked up speed.

“You’re a f*cking prick, Mugs,” Smoke spat.

“Yeah, I know. Now let’s hurry the f*ck up and get out of here. I got shit to do.”

“What’s your name, kid?” Smoke asked, keeping me wrapped up in his strong arms. I didn’t answer right away. I couldn’t. Hope didn’t feel right anymore. It never had. The only name that came to mind was the only name that had ever felt right to me. The one Cody called from time to time.

“Rage.” I swallowed hard. “My name is Rage.”

“Rage. I like it.” Smoke held his gun in the palm of his hand, offering it up to me as Mugs trained his own directly at me. “Ever shoot one of these before?” he asked, releasing me from his hulky embrace, lifting me off my feet by my elbow.

“No,” I admitted.

“Stand here,” Smoke said, standing behind me and holding me by the shoulders. He reached over me and handed me the gun. “Take this, hold it just how I’m holding it now.” I did what he said, the gun a lot heavier in my hands than I thought it would be, yet it felt natural.

Normal.

My normal.

Smoke pushed me forward until Jerry’s crouched figure came into view in the hole. He opened his good eye, the other was swollen shut. Even though he saw us, he didn’t move, all the fight in him gone. “Aim like this, and then squeeze the trigger,” he said against my ear. “You sure you want to do this?”

“Yes.”

I’d never been so sure of anything in my entire life.

Smoke leaned in closer. He smelled of soap and cigarettes. “ ’Cause this is life-changing shit right here. You do this and things won’t be the same ever again. This is the kind of shit that haunts grown men at night.” He paused. “The kind of shit that has them begging Jesus for forgiveness.”

“I don’t need forgiveness,” I whispered, squeezing the trigger. Jerry’s one eye stayed open although the life that had been there seconds before was now gone. His stare completely blank. The dirt underneath him darkened as his blood seeped out from the fresh wound on the side of his head.

Being drunk on excitement had nothing on the high of newly spilled blood. A satisfaction I never knew existed fluttered around inside of me, seeping into my every movement like the slow drip of a drug into my vein.

“Oh, yeah? Everyone seeks forgiveness sooner or later, princess. Why not you?” Smoke asked, holding out his hand for the gun, which was still warm from use.

Reluctantly, I let it drop into his hand. I turned back around to face Smoke. “Because…I’m not sorry.”

“Good, that’s the first lesson,” Smoke said, suddenly turning his gun on Mugs and pulling the trigger in quick succession. Three bullets exploded into his chest, sending him teetering back over the hole’s edge until he fell backward into it, his body joining Jerry’s.

“What’s the second lesson?” I asked, staring at the gun as Smoke changed out the clip.

“The second lesson, is that in order to survive you are loyal to no one. You are on nobody’s side except your own.” He holstered the gun under his vest and peered down into my eyes. It had only been minutes since we’d met but I felt as if I’d known this Smoke person my entire life. “You got that?”