Without Regret (Pyte/Sentinel #2)(109)

“She saved your life you know,” Joshua said conversationally as he sat down and leaned against the privacy wall behind them and started loading a gun.

Shame filled him at the reminder. He’d f**ked up by taking the fall the way he had, but he hadn’t been able to stomach the idea of his mate getting hurt. Instead of taking the fall to his side, he’d taken it to his back, started the roll down the hill wrong and slammed his ribs into a rock, breaking several of his ribs and putting his mate in a f**ked up situation.

“I told her to run, but she wouldn’t listen.” Something they’d be discussing before she left for the island. If one of her protectors told her to do something she damn well better do it, especially if meant her life.

Joshua chuckled. “I didn’t mean Izzy. I meant your little girl. If it wasn’t for her you wouldn’t be here right now. We had to give you some of Izzy’s blood and thanks to the baby her blood was a hell of a lot stronger and fixed that mess you made of your ribs quickly.”

“Don’t call her that,” he said tightly.

“What? Izzy? You call her that. I mean I could understand you getting pissed if I called her Munchkin, but-“

“I didn’t mean her. Don’t call…..,” he took a deep breath and shook his head, trying to clear it. “We’re not keeping it.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Joshua asked, sounding truly confused and Chris had absolutely no doubt that he was. While he’d been waiting for his mate to have a partner, someone to share his duty with, his family had waiting for him to start a family of his own, because they believed that would make him happy.

It wouldn’t.

Having a family of his own was too much. He couldn’t handle the stress of being responsible for them, disappointing them or letting them down because he wasn’t good enough. He also couldn’t stomach the idea of them getting hurt or losing any of them and he sure as hell couldn’t handle the thought of outliving his children and that’s exactly what would happen if they had this child, this human child.

If they were lucky they’d have eighty or ninety years with her, but it would come at the price of watching her age and slowly die. Then he’d be stuck living the next ninety years with the pain of losing his child. No, f**k no, he couldn’t do it.

“We’re not keeping it so let it the f**k go, Joshua,” he said, pushing himself into a sitting position. He looked himself over and noted that he was wearing one of his father’s grey tee shirts and a pair of his jeans, but he needed a pair of shoes. He looked around the van at the shelves and drawers built into one side of the van and knew it belonged to one of the compounds.

Had they stopped off at the Boston compound on the way to find him? he wondered, but pushed the thought away. He’d find out later, but right now they had more important things to worry about. He kept a hand pressed against his aching ribs as he moved over to the backdoors and shoved the dark curtain aside so that he could see where the hell they were. It didn’t take him long to figure out that they were in Boston, which meant he had to get his ass in gear. He spotted his steel tipped hiking boots beneath a small heating fan and pulled them on.

“Why the hell not, Chris? You love kids,” Joshua reminded him as if he’d somehow forgotten.

“I love you guys and I’ll no doubt adore and spoil whatever little demons you have, but I don’t want any kids of my own, Joshua,” he said, giving his brother his back as he loaded up, pulling a Kevlar vest of his head and trying not to wince when it brushed against his sore ribs.

He didn’t have to ask to know that he was a lucky son of a bitch. He remembered how f**ked up his ribs and lung were last night or rather this morning. There was no question in his mind that he should be dead.

“What about her?” Joshua demanded.

“What about her?” he asked, not bothering to look over his shoulder.

“Does she want this baby? She’ll never forgive you if you push her into getting rid of a baby she wants,”

Joshua pointed out unnecessarily.

“It doesn’t matter if she forgives me or not. She’ll be on the island where she belongs,” he said, loading up on weapons and wondering how badly his father wanted to pull over the van to rail into him about this.

“You’re still going to send her away?” Joshua asked hollowly.

“Yes,” he said with absolutely no hesitation whatsoever.

“But-“

“There are no buts, Joshua. We have no future together,” he said firmly, hating who and what he was for the first time in years. He hated having to make a choice between Izzy and his family. He hated this f**ked up situation and he f**king hated knowing that he had to send his mate off to a f**king island just so he could sleep at night, knowing that she was okay.

For the first time since he found out that he was different he wondered what it would be like to be a regular man, with a regular job and a normal life expectancy. Would he have turned out like the loser that so many people predicted? Or would he have proved them all wrong and straightened out and made something of his life? Would he even be good enough for Izzy?

No, he wouldn’t. He knew that without question. Hell, he wasn’t even good for her now and he was supposed to be her soul mate, her other half. He was supposed to protect her and be there for her and he couldn’t even do that without f**king up and leaving her vulnerable.