Whispers in the Dark (KGI #4)(20)

“Yeah, I hear you.”

“Nice place you have here. I wasn’t sure they were going to let me through the gates.”

Nathan’s lips quirked into a half smile. “My brothers are pretty serious about security.”

Swanny sipped at the beer and stared out over the shimmering surface of the lake in the distance. Then he turned his gaze on Nathan. His eyes were dark and haunted. Tired.

“What happened out there, Nate?”

Nathan looked away, his shoulders rigid.

“I’ve tried to rationalize it. I’ve tried to explain it away, say it didn’t happen, but I didn’t imagine it. I did not imagine you putting your hands on me. I didn’t make up how injured I was before and the immediate sensation of relief. The x-rays showed no internal damage, but I know I was bleeding. I know I was hurt. Hell, I was coughing up blood. I couldn’t breathe. So you explain it to me, Nate. Tell me what the hell you did.”

“I didn’t do anything,” Nathan said honestly. “Swear to God, I didn’t. I have so many what-the-f*ck moments about that entire ordeal. Some days I think I lost it back there and I’ll never get it back. Some part of my mind just broke during captivity and I imagined all sorts of things.”

“Yeah,” Swanny muttered.

Nathan picked up another beer and popped the tab. He took several long gulps and then directed his gaze toward the lake and let the blue swallow him.

“Someone or something helped us,” Nathan said. “It was like the most f**king beautiful thing I’ve ever encountered. I worried I was dead or dying because I was sure I felt the presence of an angel.”

If he closed his eyes and thought hard enough, he could still feel the brush of Shea’s fingers on his face, the warmth of her soul as it merged with his. It was inexplicable. He didn’t want to examine it too closely, because he wanted it to be real. He wanted her to be real.

“Angel. Yeah, that about covers the feeling. It was warm. Like the warmest, most soothing sensation I’ve ever experienced in my life. My panic and fear just melted away. I just can’t wrap my head around it. I’ve never really had a firm belief in God one way or another. I mean I suppose there has to be some higher power out there, but was that what it was? Was God helping us?”

Nathan’s hands shook and he set his beer down so he wouldn’t spill it. “I’ve asked myself that a thousand times. I don’t have an answer. Maybe I never will.”

The idea that he’d never talk to her again, never feel her inside him, destroyed a part of his soul that she’d claimed for her own.

There was so much more he could tell Swanny. But he wouldn’t ever divulge just how close to surrender he’d been in those darkest hours. Shea had saved him. Not just him but Swanny too.

Shea.

He couldn’t help the soft call. Her name echoed through his brain, making no connection. She simply wasn’t there.

Was she in trouble? Had she sacrificed her safety in order to help him? He wished to hell he knew.

He glanced back up at Swanny, who seemed as content with the silence as Nathan was.

“What now, man?” Nathan asked softly.

Swanny grimaced and absently fingered the puckered scar marring his face. “I wish to hell I knew. What about you?”

Nathan blew out his breath. “I’ve been working on that.” He gestured over his shoulder. “Haven’t made a whole lot of progress, but it gives me something to do. My brothers alternate between wanting to commit me to a long-term rest facility complete with psych ward and wanting me to start training with them. Joe’s doing well. He’s already training with a team.”

The ache inside his chest intensified. There was a gulf between him and his twin. Joe wanted to rush in, make it all better. Bully Nathan into taking action. Joe was impetuous, but it served him well. Nothing got him down. He’d blown through physical therapy for his busted leg and had started training the moment he got the okay from the therapist.

He expected Nathan to be able to do the same. Shake it off. Physically heal and then get back into the game. It wasn’t that Nathan didn’t want to join KGI. He did. It had always been his and Joe’s plan. Once they served their last tour in the army, they were going to work with their brothers.

He’d only been a few weeks away from that goal when everything had gone to hell.

Now…Now he wasn’t willing to commit unless he could be sure he’d give his brothers one hundred percent. He couldn’t guarantee anyone that. Not yet.

He also knew that his brothers were urging him to “join” simply so they could take care of him, stay on his ass to take care of himself, but they had no intention of letting him go on missions. They wanted to give him a purpose.

He wasn’t sure what his purpose was these days. It sounded fatalistic. He wasn’t. But for so long his purpose had simply been survival. Now he had to regroup, pick up the pieces and decide what the hell he was going to do with the life he’d been granted. A life that Shea had given him.

Somehow sitting here talking to Swanny brought Shea that much more sharply back to him and convinced him that he hadn’t imagined her.

“I’m not sure what I’m going to do next either,” Swanny said. “I honestly never expected to make it back. I thought I was going to die in that shithole cave.”