Visions in Death (In Death #19)(25)

"Hopefully you'll be able to choke down whatever Charles and Louise serve when we go to dinner."

She stabbed more chicken. "Don't you think it's weird? You know, Charles and Louise, Peabody and McNab, all having a cozy dinner at Charles's place. I'm pretty sure the last time, the only time, McNab was ever over there was when he and Charles punched each other out."

"I doubt it'll come to that again, but if it does, you'll be there to break it up. And not weird, darling, no. People find each other. Charles and our Peabody were, and are, friends."

"Yeah, but McNab thinks they did the mattress rumba."

"Whatever he thinks, he knows they're not dancing now."

"I still say it's going to be weird."

"A few awkward moments, perhaps. Charles and Louise love each other."

"Yeah, about that. How can they cruise along this way? He's out there boinking other women professionally, then boinking her for love. What's with that?"

An amused smile curving his lips, Roarke sipped his wine. "You're such a moral creature, Lieutenant."

"Yeah, we'd see how open-minded and sophisticated you are if I decided to turn in my badge and become a licensed companion. I'd have a hard time working up a client list because you'd smash all their faces in."

He merely inclined his head, in agreement. "But you weren't an LC when I met and fell for you, were you? A cop, and that took some considerable adjusting on my part."

"Guess it did." And that, she thought, was as good a segue as she could ask for, considering what she wanted to say. "I know it did. But I think, under all that, you'd already done considerable adjusting. Meaning you weren't just after the main chance, however you could get it. I don't think you ever were."

"In my misspent youth, Lieutenant, you'd have hunted me down like a dog. Not that you'd have caught me, but you'd have tried."

"If I'd been hunting..." She trailed off, waved it away. "Not where I was going." She picked up her wine, took a long sip, set it down. "I went to Dochas today."

"Oh?" His gaze sharpened on her face. "I wish you'd contacted me. I'd have made time to go with you."

"It was work-related. I needed to talk to Louise about this psychic chick, and Louise was there today."

He waited, but she said nothing. "What did you think?"

"I think—" She set down her fork, clasped her hands together in her lap. "I love you more than I can say. I don't have the words to tell you how much. How much I love you, how proud I am of you for what you're doing there. I was trying to come up with them, but I can't."

Moved, he reached across, waited until she unclasped her hands to take his. "What's being done there wouldn't be if you weren't part of it. Part of me."

"Yes, it would. That's the thing. Maybe you did it sooner because of me. Because of us. But it was in you to do it. It always was. I'm sorry I haven't gone before."

"Doesn't matter."

"I was afraid to. Some part of me I didn't want to look at was afraid to go there. It hurt to go." She released his hand. She had to do this, say this, on her own. "To see those women, those kids. To feel that fear. Even more to feel the hope. Even more than that. It brought it back."

"Eve."

"No, you just listen. There was this girl—you know, sometimes I think fate just slaps something down in front of you and makes you deal. Her arm was in a skincast. Her father had broken it."

"Oh, Christ."

"She talked to me; I talked back. I can't remember exactly. My head was buzzing and my stomach was clenched. I was afraid I'd be sick right there, or just f**king pass out. But I didn't. I got through it."

"You don't ever have to go back again."

She shook her head. "Just wait. I dropped Peabody at home, saw Mira, came here. I needed sleep. I thought I would just sleep, but it caught up with me. It was bad, you know it was bad. But you don't know that in the nightmare, I was back there, in the shelter. With all those battered women, all those broken kids. And they're asking me why I didn't stop it, why I let it happen."

She held up a hand so he wouldn't interrupt, though she saw her own pain reflected on his face. "He was there. I knew he'd come. He said there'd always be more. More of him, more of them. I couldn't stop it. When he reached for me, I wasn't me anymore. I mean not who I am now. I was a kid. He broke my arm, just like before, and he raped me, just like before."

She had to pause, had to wet her throat with wine. "But here's the thing. I killed him, just like before. And I'll keep killing him, as long as it takes. Because he's right. There's always more of them—the brutal and the battered. There's always more, and I can't stop it all. But I can damn well do the job and stop some of it. I have to."

She let out a breath. "I can go back there. I want to go back there, because I know when I do I won't be scared or sick—or if I am, it won't be as much, as bad. I'll go there because I can see what you've done, what you're doing, is another way to stop it. Her arm was broken, but it'll heal. So will she, because you've given her a chance."