Vicious Cycle (Vicious Cycle #1)(91)

As I weighed her words, I realized what a stupid, egotistical, self-centered bastard I truly was. Staring at her, I could only shake my head. After all, what could you say befitting a woman who had gone toe to toe with a psycho to save your life and your daughter’s?

At my silence, Alex sighed. “Once they discharge me, I’ll come by the compound to get my things.”

I blinked my eyes in disbelief. “Why would you do that?”

With a mirthless laugh, Alex said, “You can’t be serious. Did you actually think after the way you just behaved that I was going to suck it up and come home with you?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Incredible,” she muttered before turning away.

I couldn’t let her go. I cared too much about her. Willow cared too much about her. “Alex, wait.”

Ignoring me, she kept walking. Desperately, I tried to think of what might get her attention. Then I blurted, “Marry me.”

Her steps faltered on the pavement. Slowly, she turned around to stare open-mouthed and wide-eyed at me. “What did you just say?”

“I asked you to marry me.”

“I think I liked it better when I thought I was hearing things.”

Scratching the back of my neck, I closed the gap between us. “I’m sorry. I’m so f*cking sorry for the way I treated you earlier. It’s just …” I licked my lips, as my mouth had run dry from f*cking nerves. “You scared the hell out of me going after Sigel and leaving me where I couldn’t help you. It isn’t in me to have women on the front lines, least of all my old lady—the woman I f*cking love. I didn’t know how to deal. You were right to call me a bastard and an * because I was—I am. No matter how hard I try, I always seem to f*ck things up when it comes to you.” Shaking my head, I said, “Jesus, I’m blabbering.”

“Keep going,” Alex urged.

“You’re also right to call me a selfish bastard. Before Willow, I thought only of myself, and then she came along and opened me up a little. Then you came barging in and forced me to put my own needs and desires behind those I cared about.” Reaching out, I touched her unmarred cheek. “And I do care about you, Alexandra. When I thought that I might lose you to Sigel, I thought I would die—I wanted to die. I don’t want to live without you. I love you too much.”

“You really mean that?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I do.”

Time ticked agonizingly by as she seemed to weigh her words. “I have one condition.”

“Name it. Anything.” When she nibbled on her lip, signaling her nervousness, I took her hands in mine. “What is it?”

“I want you to make the Raiders legitimate. If I’m going to be your wife, then I want to be married to David Malloy, not Jesse James.”

Her demand was something I hadn’t anticipated. While I knew she had every reason to request it, I wasn’t sure I could make it happen—or if I truly wanted it to happen. “I’m not the president, babe. I can’t make that decision.”

“No, but I know it would be something Rev would support.”

“We’d still have to have a majority vote in church.”

“Then make it happen. Convince your brothers that too much blood has been spilled and too many lives lost to continue on the way you are.”

“Being an outlaw is all I’ve known since I was thirteen years old.” Feeling like a *, I tried not to let Alex see the fear that ran through me. It unfortunately didn’t escape her notice, because she brought her arms around my neck.

“You can do this. I believe in you.”

For reasons I didn’t begin to understand, I started to believe that we could turn the Raiders around. It wouldn’t be easy. It would take time, and there would probably be repercussions for our actions. But for her and for Willow, I was willing to try.

Smiling down at her, I said, “You’re my angel—my dark-haired angel.” The moment the words came out of my lips, I staggered back.

“Deacon, what’s wrong?” Alex asked with alarm.

But I was no longer with her. Instead, I was holding Preacher Man’s body. His words echoed through my mind. “Two dark-haired angels are coming for you. They will be your salvation.”

Alex stared up at me in confusion. “What?”

I realized then that I had said the words aloud. “Preacher Man told me that right before he died. At the time, I couldn’t imagine what he meant. But now …” I stared down at her beautiful face filled with love and concern for me. “Now I understand. You and Willow—you’re the dark-haired angels. You’re my salvation.” I pulled her closer to me, needing to feel her against me. “You’re my salvation,” I repeated.

“And you’re mine,” Alex answered.

I would take her home to my compound, where once again I would look after her as she healed. Tomorrow I would get to see my other angel, my daughter. As a unified family, we would work to make the Raiders legitimate. I knew that there were still threats looming over us, including the Knights, now floundering without their leader and sergeant at arms, who would retaliate against us.

In the end, I hoped to never again have to lose another person I loved to the violence I’d bred.

For the first time I could remember, I sat at Mama Beth’s table with a plateful of delicious food in front of me, but I couldn’t eat. I didn’t have an appetite to save my life. My stomach felt like it had been hog-tied.