Vicious Cycle (Vicious Cycle #1)(38)
With my dick pounding against my zipper, I knew I needed to get the f*ck out of there. If I didn’t, I was going to do something I would regret—something I never, ever did, which was f*ck a seriously drunk girl. When I turned to go, she grabbed onto my arm, pulling me to the bed. “Noooo, don’t leave.”
“Give me a f*cking break, Alex. You can sleep it off by yourself.”
She giggled. “I promise not to try to take advantage of you.”
“That ain’t it.” No, I would be the one defiling her in a hundred different ways.
Her amusement faded. Staring up at me with those big brown eyes, she asked, “Don’t you want to stay with me?”
“You wouldn’t ask me that question if you were sober.”
“And why not?”
“Because you would know that I’m sure as hell not the type of man who does what a woman asks.”
“Even if she begs?”
“I only listen to pleading when I’m f*cking.”
Her nose wrinkled. “You’re a disgusting pig.”
“Yeah, I am, babe. And don’t forget it.”
“Would you at least sit on the edge of the bed until I go to sleep?”
“You’re not giving up, are you?”
“I promise I won’t tell anyone that you did. You can save face in front of your brothers. Besides, I probably won’t remember this in the morning anyway.”
I don’t know why I eased down on the side of the bed. But then that small voice of conscience, the one I usually ignored, seemed to overrule any idea about telling Alex no. Every time Alex got remotely near me, I should bolt in the opposite direction. I’d never met a woman this dangerous—one who made me do shit I didn’t want to do, to consider shit I didn’t want to.
Stretching my legs out, I pushed myself up in the bed to where I leaned back against the headboard. Although we weren’t touching, I could still feel Alex beside me. She overwhelmed me with her presence in my bed—the smell of her perfume, the fall of her hair on the pillow, the slide of her bare thigh on the comforter.
Lacey was the last woman I’d just lain in bed with without f*cking. When she wasn’t a drunken mess, there was nothing I loved more than to spoon against her. Sure, it usually led to a hard-on and screwing, but just the soft feel of her body did something to me—it calmed me. I was starting to feel the same way with Alex.
I don’t know how long we lay there. Alex was so quiet I thought she had fallen asleep. But then she shifted in the bed. Propping her head on her elbow, she gazed up at me. “Tell me something about yourself—something you’ve never told anyone else.”
Scowling down at her, I replied, “You can get the f*ck out of here if you think I’m going to do that.”
“Why not?”
I laced my fingers behind my head. “Because that ain’t me, babe. That ain’t who I am or who I’ll ever be.”
“Why are you so afraid to open up to someone?”
“I’m not,” I growled.
“Yes, you are.”
Giving her a hard look, I said, “If you don’t stop the emotional bullshit, I’m out of here. I swear you’re the most lucid drunk I’ve ever seen. Why can’t you be giggling and acting stupid?”
“After the initial buzz, alcohol usually makes me sharper.”
“Lucky me.”
“I just thought we could talk a little. I mean, I’m here every day, but I barely know you.”
“And I’d like to keep it that way.”
Both fury and hurt flashed in her dark eyes. “You’re such an *.”
“It’ll do you some good to keep remembering that,” I replied.
“Fine. You know what? I’ll share something first to establish trust.”
“You can talk until you’re blue in the face, but it ain’t going to get me to tell you shit.”
“You wanna know why I decided to become a teacher?”
“No, I f*cking don’t.”
Ignoring me, Alex said, “When I was sixteen, I got pregnant by my boyfriend.”
My eyes widened, and I stared open-mouthed at her. That was the last f*cking thing I expected to come out of her mouth. “You mean a Goody Two-shoes like you got knocked up?” When she nodded, I couldn’t help but ask, “But I thought you said you didn’t have a kid. You give it up or something?”
“Or something,” she replied in an agonized whisper.
The electricity in the room changed. I realized that we were standing on the emotional equivalent of a cliff. If I continued talking to Alex about this, I might as well take her hand and watch the two of us jump off the edge. With the stakes that high, I don’t know why I wanted her to continue the story. Cupping her chin, I tilted her face to look at me. “What happened, Alex?”
“No one ever knew I was pregnant. I didn’t tell my boyfriend, and I didn’t tell my parents. I wasn’t very far along when I found out.” She shuddered. “I was scared. So f*cking scared. From the moment I saw the positive on the pregnancy test, it shattered me emotionally. It felt like I was outside my body, watching myself like I was a stranger. Everything I said or did from that moment on was someone else. I’d always loved babies. I volunteered in the church nursery and babysat for everyone on my street. But in that moment when it came to my own, I couldn’t accept it.” She glanced up at me to gauge my response—her eyes weary like a battle-worn soldier.