Until We Touch (Fool's Gold #15)(81)

Was he drunk? He sure wasn’t making any sense.

“What job?”

“For the football program. Like I know anything about how to do it.”

She clasped her hands together. “Jack, you would have been so good with the players.”

“Would I?” His dark gaze settled on her face. “Yeah, I don’t think so. Because I’m the reason Percy left. At the tournament Jonny Blaze asked if he was my kid. He said we had the same eyes.”

“You’re pretty young to be his father,” she said.

“That’s not the point.” Jack’s voice was angry. “I don’t want that kid. Any kid. I would be a lousy father.”

“No, you wouldn’t. You would do a great job.”

“You’re blind. I told him that Percy wasn’t mine. That he was a problem that wouldn’t go away.”

Larissa felt her eyes widen. “Jack,” she began.

He cut her off with a shake of his head. “I didn’t mean it, or maybe I did. Hell if I know anything anymore. Percy heard. That’s why he left. Nobody wants to be charity, Larissa. People don’t want to be saved, they want to believe they can save themselves.”

She considered what he’d just said. “Have you talked to him? If you explain it was an accident and you’re sorry, then he’ll come back.”

“He’s not coming back,” Jack told her. “And I don’t want him to. He needed too much. I’m not getting involved. I write the checks, you do the rest of it.”

“Jack, no.”

“Face it. I’m the sales guy. I’m into flash. I tell the customers what they want and Taryn takes care of the rest. It’s better that way. That’s what I told President Newham and the mayor. Thanks but no thanks. I’m not your guy.”

This was a side of Jack she hadn’t seen before. Coldly cynical and almost mean.

“No,” she said firmly. “You’re wrong. You’re more than a sales guy. You love what you do. As for coaching, you should really think about it. It would fill your soul.”

He laughed and took a drink. “My soul is plenty full.”

“You have to give back,” she persisted. “It’s the law of the jungle. You have more so you have to give more.”

He gave her a withering look. “That’s not the law of the jungle. I believe what you’re searching for is kill or be killed. I’m taking the easy way out, Larissa. I always have. Why can’t you see that?”

What she saw was how much he hated himself right now. He felt pressured by the job offer and he’d reacted badly. She knew all the reasons why. She understood him, she always had. He—

She looked at him and got it. He was pushing them all away because it made it easier for him to deal with what was happening. After years of not getting involved, he was being sucked in. By her, by the town, by Percy and the university. The need to connect overwhelmed him. The lashing out was simply a symptom.

She slid toward him and put her hand on his arm. “Jack, it’s okay. We’ll get through this together.”

“I doubt that.”

“You don’t understand. You can’t scare me away. I love you.” She paused as the truth sank in. “I’m not trying to get over you. I don’t think I ever was. I’m in love with you and I’m going to love you for the rest of my life.”

* * *

JACK HAD ENJOYED his English classes in college. Writing papers had come easy to him, mostly because he knew how to spread about the bullshit with the best of them. He could read a book and then answer essay questions with ease.

He remembered some book about a guy who had no purpose and how that was its own brand of hell. He hadn’t understood it at the time, but he got it now. Because he was that guy. At one time he’d had a goal—to win. And before that, well, no reason to go there. Now, however, there was nothing. He’d already destroyed his relationship with Percy and Taryn, why not go for gold?

He stood up, careful to carry his glass with him. He turned to face Larissa, taking in her blue eyes, the fullness of her mouth. He knew everything about her, so he knew exactly where to slide the knife.

“Don’t love me,” he told her. “I’m not interested in your love. Or you. I can’t save you and if I could, I wouldn’t.”

She stared at him without flinching. “I don’t need saving.”

“Sure you do. Without me, you have no causes. And without your causes, you’re nothing.”

Her shoulders squared and her chin came up. “You’re wrong. I have value. We all do. You’re a whole lot more than just the guy who writes the checks.”

“But I don’t want to be. I’m not interested in the work involved.”

He’d already offered all he had to save his brother and he’d been turned down. He knew what it was like to beg to save the person he loved most in the world. And he knew what it was like to watch him die.

But he’d gotten through Lucas’s funeral and the days that followed. He’d hung on. Until his parents had come to him and explained they were leaving the country. They were going to some village in Africa to help poor children. Jack wasn’t sure what they would do there—he’d stopped listening. Because the real message had mattered more. They were leaving because there was nothing left for them here. Having a son who was living, having him around, wasn’t important enough.