Until Friday Night (The Field Party #1)(17)

But I hadn’t been ready to see her go.

All weekend I found myself thinking about Maggie. When Dad would get sick, I reminded myself that I was strong enough to handle this. I would be there for my mother. I wasn’t a scared little boy anymore. If Maggie could survive what she had seen, I needed to man up and be what my dad needed.

Monday morning I left my mother tucked in beside my dad’s frail body and headed to school with Maggie on my mind. Her voice had been in my head, reminding me that the pain was something I had to learn to deal with. I had to make it through the nightmare I was living. She was a walking testament to the fact I could do this.

Seeing her standing at the locker beside mine was a relief. I had needed to see her. We had talked all of ten minutes, and already I had grown attached to her. She understood. I hadn’t realized how badly I needed that. Someone to understand.

“Morning,” I said as I moved to stand next to her and open my locker.

She glanced at me and smiled. But nothing more. No words. No smooth, warm voice to calm me. Just a small smile. Fuck that. I wanted to hear her talk.

“You not gonna talk to me?” I asked, still watching her in case she whispered and I missed it.

She turned her attention back to her locker and got out a notebook then closed it before glancing back at me. For a moment I thought she was going to talk, but she simply shook her head and then walked away. Leaving me there.

I had focused on her words and her voice all weekend to overcome my demons and face them head on. And she acts like we never spoke. Like she doesn’t know my secrets. Like I don’t know hers.

Bullshit.

I grabbed my first-period books and slammed my locker, and then I went after her. Just before I reached her, a hand wrapped around my arm. Jerking it free, I turned to glare at Brady. He didn’t look happy.

“Are you going after Maggie?”

I could lie, but that was pointless. “Yeah,” I replied.

“Not you, too,” he snarled. “Why the f*ck can’t y’all leave her alone? She’s mute. She’s seen shit none of us can comprehend, and she isn’t a plaything for you. So go find someone else to chase after. My cousin is off. Limits.”

I couldn’t explain to him that I just wanted to talk to her again. He had no idea she’d talked to me. She wasn’t talking to anyone else. She’d only talked to me.

But even if she didn’t want to speak to me anymore, I didn’t want to stay away from her. Maggie made me feel stronger. She reminded me that I wasn’t alone in this world. That others had gone through this too. That I could be what my momma needed me to be . . . what my dad needed me to be.

“Fine. Whatever. I don’t have time for this shit,” I replied before stalking off the other way.

Out of nowhere, Raleigh stepped in front of me. “You didn’t call all weekend,” she said, sticking her bottom lip out and pouting.

I hadn’t called her because I hadn’t needed her to distract me. “You looked like you moved on Friday night,” I replied, shoving past her and walking toward my class.

“I was trying to make you jealous. You left me again, West. You never think about me. You just leave me.”

She was right that I didn’t think about her. She deserved more. I wasn’t able to be what Raleigh deserved. In the beginning I had been attracted to her. She was fun and exciting, and I didn’t think about my dad’s treatments when we were together. But that had only lasted a little while. Soon it just became about sex. I used her to forget for a moment. I felt guilty about it, but she’d seemed happy with things. She liked being my girlfriend.

What I knew now was that she deserved more than I was able to give her. It was time I cut her loose and let her go find a guy who could make her happy. All we did was fight.

“Then I’m not the guy for you. I’m never going to remember to check on you, Ray. I’m never going to be thinking about you. It’s not me. I don’t do that. So go find a guy who does. I sure as shit can’t make you happy.”

The look in her eyes wasn’t heartbreak. We weren’t in love. Although she liked to tell me she loved me often, I knew she didn’t. Who could love an *?

“I love you,” she said as if she’d read my thoughts.

I shook my head. “No, Ray, you don’t. I’m not lovable. Let’s stop this. You just get hurt with me, and that’ll never change. So this time, it really is over. Go find a guy who can be what you need. You deserve that. I can’t be that guy. Not for you. Not for anyone.”

I didn’t wait for her to reply before I turned and walked into first period.

I realized as I sat down that the words I’d just said to Raleigh were true. I couldn’t be mad at Brady for protecting Maggie from me. But maybe he’d let us be friends. I just needed a f*cking friend right now. Not a girlfriend. How could I explain that to him?

Times Like These, I Was Glad I Wasn’t Expected to Say Something

CHAPTER 11

MAGGIE

I walked into the cafeteria. I was choosing not to starve my way through lunch in the library. After a week at school I felt safer. Like I knew how things worked and what to expect. I didn’t feel like all eyes were on me anymore.

Well, that wasn’t exactly the whole story. Truth was, I wanted to see West. He hadn’t been at his locker since this morning, and when I passed him in the hall, he looked right through me. Sure, I’d not spoken this morning, but I wasn’t sure I could. Would I have a meltdown if I weren’t trying to help him? Maybe speaking only worked when he needed me to speak. Maybe it was West’s pain that triggered my ability to speak without losing my grip.