Unraveled (Turner #3)(79)

Close enough to the truth.

“I’m so sorry,” his brother began.

Smite slapped his fist into his palm so hard that it stung. “Don’t be. It made me who I am. I don’t wish what happened to me undone. And when you do, you wish me less of a person.”

Ash crossed the room to him. He lifted one hand a few inches at his side, and then let it drop. “Very well,” he finally said. “If you say you’re not angry with me, that there’s nothing you wish I had done…”

“I didn’t say that,” Smite heard himself rasp out. He didn’t know where the next words came from. He surely hadn’t thought them out. But still they spilled out of him. “You should have saved Hope.”

It was an ugly thing to say. Ash’s face grew pale. It was entirely unfair. Ash had been little more than a boy when their sister had died. What he could have done to combat that ugly fever, Smite didn’t know. And yet, cruel as those words had been, they felt right. True.

“You should have saved Hope,” he repeated. His voice shook. “You were older. You were stronger. You always knew how to do everything. You should have found a way to save her. But you didn’t, and I had to face the fact that my big brother was human. That you made mistakes.”

“Oh, Smite.” Now Ash did set his hand on Smite’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

Smite shrugged the touch off. “I’m not finished yet. You should have saved Mark. When Mother truly began to go mad, you should never have left. You have no idea what I had to go through, keeping him fed, keeping him safe. Keeping him away from her notice when she was at her worst. You should have been there. You should have saved him.”

He hadn’t even known he felt this way—black and ugly and unforgiving. But he couldn’t hold back the tide of his anger, now that he’d given it voice.

“You should have been a god. I’ve never forgiven you for being merely mortal.”

Ash shook his head. “Why don’t you say what you really mean? I should have saved you.”

For a second, Smite felt choked by floodwaters. He could feel his hands numbing, beginning to lose their grip no matter how hard he held on. But what brought him back to the here-and-now wasn’t his brother’s concern, but the sharp feel of metal cutting into his skin. Miranda’s hairpin was in his pocket. That much of the present, he could hold on to.

“There you’re wrong,” he said. “I don’t need saving. Nothing is wrong with me.” He took a deep gulp of breath. He didn’t need saving, damn it. And yet…

“Still,” he found himself whispering, “sometimes I wish that this quest had not come to me. Justice is an impossible beast to track. The trail is lonely, and she offers no reward when she’s caught but the promise of another hunt.”

Until today, he’d not minded so much. He’d given up a great deal over the years. It had never seemed so much, compared to what he could have lost. But now that he’d had Miranda… No. He wasn’t going to think of her. If he did, he might do something foolish. He might demand a horse and ride for the railway station. He still had a quarter of an hour before her train departed.

Ash laid a hand on his shoulder. Smite flinched, and his brother took a step back, stricken. “Don’t touch me unaware,” Smite heard himself mutter. “One time, Mother—never mind why. Just… don’t.”

“God, Smite.”

“Don’t feel sorry for me. Don’t fuss over me. I’m not broken,” he heard himself say.

Ash nodded, but he looked so damned concerned. The room smelled of wood and wax, with the faint, lingering scent of astringent black tea. Black tea, not mint.

He couldn’t call to mind the scent of mint, that sweet calming scent that Miranda always seemed to carry about her. His memory of Miranda had gone cold already, devoid of the animating spark that he’d most cherished. That, more than anything, nearly overset his emotions.

“I’m not broken,” he repeated. “Although at the moment…” This was what came of violating the sentimentality quota. Everything he kept bottled inside him came out. He shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “At the moment,” he muttered numbly, “I may be coming a bit unraveled.”

Ash let this pronouncement sit. He didn’t say anything as Smite gasped for air. And maybe this was what they’d always needed—the chance to be silent with each other. This time, when Ash reached out, he paused, waiting before he took his brother’s hand. Smite took his palm and clutched it hard. It was just a little touch, but he was almost undone by it.

The clock ticked, counting past Smite’s allotted sentimentality. It counted the minutes while Miranda sat and waited onboard some railway car. Smite didn’t trust himself to speak until she had gone.

“I did save Mark,” Ash finally said.

“Oh?”

“I left him with you.”

It was too much. Smite felt his throat close up.

“I mean it. When I found the two of you in Bristol, you were shadowed. Mark…Mark was just hungry.”

Smite nodded.

“I have never wanted to think about what you must have done to keep Mother’s madness from falling on him. But you must have done something. Just look at him. How he can stand to live in that house, I don’t know.”