Trial by Desire (Carhart #2)(66)
He’d been sweet. Over the years of his marriage, that sweetness had been given more substance than she’d guessed.
“So? What happened?” Louisa asked.
“He clapped eyes on me. And this time, he didn’t say one word. Instead, he rang a little bell on his desk.”
Kate was leaning forward as much as Louisa, now. “And then?”
“And then, eight soldiers marched in. They must have been lying in wait for the moment. They grabbed me by the arms and legs.”
“Didn’t you fight?”
“I tried. But there were eight of them and one of me. If I’d had as many arms as a squid, I’d still have been at a distinct disadvantage. Especially at close quarters. In any event, they lifted me off the ground and carried me like a sack of potatoes. And the only thing the captain said was this—‘Dunk him.’”
“Oh, no.” Louisa covered her mouth in sympathy. “Did they toss you in a lake?”
“I can tell you’ve spent no time around soldiers, if a lake is the worst you can imagine. That would have been very kind, in comparison with what actually happened. You see, the garrison had built these privies. And it was so wet there, that… Well, in any event, the waste eventually collected in these massive holes in the ground. They were foul, disgusting swamps.”
“Oh, dear God.” The words escaped Kate’s mouth.
Ned smiled at her, his cheerful tone at odds with the filthy scene he set. “So in I went. It was quite possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. It was disgusting and degrading, and I do not have the words to describe how impossibly awful it was. I couldn’t even scream in protest, because that would have required me to open my mouth. I have never felt quite so helpless in my life as I did at that moment.”
The two women stared at him in shock.
“You realize,” Ned said in a low voice, “that if this story ever gets out, I will be a laughingstock. I am trusting you ladies with my deepest, most shameful secret. You must never tell another soul. I know I can count on you.”
Louisa nodded, and in that instant, Kate’s breath stopped wildly. Somehow he’d managed to calm her friend’s fears. He’d managed to make her smile. And now he was subtly making her feel that she was important, trustworthy. Somehow he’d known that she’d had so much taken from her that she couldn’t possibly give anything back. Her husband didn’t need to beat his chest or roar. He didn’t need to make arrogant demands. He just needed to smile and make Louisa laugh. Now Kate’s heart stung just a bit.
“So,” Louisa asked, “what did you do?”
“What would you have done? I took a bath.” He grinned. “A long bath. Then I got in a little boat and I tooled around and I thought. There’s something extraordinarily valuable about having someone do their worst. If you survive it, they can’t truly touch you again. There’s nothing they can do to bring you down. And Adams—well, he’d done his worst. He couldn’t kill me. My cousin would investigate my death and make his life miserable if he did. He’d had me thrown in the privy on the assumption that I’d be too humiliated to admit it to anyone once I got home. He believed I would simply make up some rubbish for a report and leave him alone.” Ned leaned back in his chair. “He believed wrong. The next morning I got dressed. I went down to his office one last time. And then…” Ned smiled, stood. He walked over to Louisa and bent down, so that he was level with her.
“Then I looked in his eyes, just like this.” He fixed Louisa with a look. “I smiled, just like this. And I leaned forward and I said, ‘Captain Adams, I believe I’ll be on the next boat to the river.’”
Kate watched him in breathless agony.
Ned straightened. “He looked at me. He looked at that damned bell. And then he looked back at me. It was as if he’d bullied me as far as he could. Once he realized I could outlast him, that was that. From there on out, he actually proved quite helpful.”
At those last words, Louisa looked away. “Oh, Ned. I know what you’re trying to say. But I can’t. I can’t testify in court. I can’t petition for a divorce. I can’t even imagine looking Harcroft in the eyes.”
“You can’t right now. I needed that time on the boat, Louisa. I burned my skin crimson that day, sitting on that boat and thinking. I needed that time, because if I’d seen him right after coming from the privy, I would have flinched from him, and that would have been the end of it all. I needed to know what I wanted.” He flashed Louisa a grin. “You can’t know what to do, until you know what you want. What do you want?”
“I want my baby to be safe.” Louisa’s arms curled about her, and Kate bit her lip. “I want him to take his father’s place as earl one day. I want him to believe that love and affection are typical, and violence a mere aberration.”
Ned tapped his lips. “So, for instance, escaping to America and obscuring your identity might cloud his chances at taking his seat.”
Louisa nodded. “I want to stay here with my family.” She glanced at Kate. “And my friends. And I don’t want my husband to ever, ever threaten me again.”
“There,” Ned said. “Was that so hard, then? To want?”
“But I don’t dare want all of that, Mr. Carhart. It’s impossible.”