Too Good to Be True(40)

I took a deep breath. “Hi. I’m Grace.” I paused. “I’m currently pretending to have a boyfriend. My sister’s dating my ex-fiancé, and to make everyone think I was fine with that, I told my family I’ve been seeing this fabulous guy.

How’s that for pathetic? And like you, Karen, I’ve been on some astonishingly bad dates, and I’m getting a little nervous, because my sister and Andrew are getting serious, and I’d really like to find someone. Soon. Very soon.

”

There was a moment’s silence.

“I’ve made up boyfriends, too,” Karen said, nodding her head slowly. “The best man I ever dated was all in my head.”

“Thank you!” I exclaimed.

“I did it, too,” Michelle said. “I even bought myself an engagement ring. It was beautiful. Exactly what I wanted. For three months, I wore that thing. Told everyone I knew I was getting married. It got so I was trying on dresses on the weekends. Sick, really. Looking back, though, it was one of my happier times.”

“This brings up one of my strategies,” Lou announced. “Men love women who are taken, so Grace, your little ruse isn’t the worst idea in the world. It’s a great way to get a man intrigued. A woman who is sought out by other men shows that she has a certain appeal!”

“Or a certain lack of honesty,” I offered.

Lou guffawed heartily. Beside me, Julian winced. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I thought this was worth a shot.”

“It’s only sixty bucks,” I whispered back. “Plus we can get margaritas after.”

“Let’s get going with the class. Some of these things are going to sound a little silly, maybe, a little old-fashioned, but the name of the class is Meeting Mr. Right, and my methods work.” He paused. “For you, Julian, I’m not so sure, but give it a try and let me know how it’s going, okay?”

“Sure,” Julian said glumly.

For the next hour, I bit my lip to keep from snorting and did not look at Julian, who was similarly struggling.

Everything Lou said sounded silly, all right. Downright idiotic, sometimes. It was like we were stepping back in time to the 1950s or something. Be feminine and proper. An image of me clubbing Callahan O’ Shea came to mind. So proper, so ladylike. No swearing, smoking or drinking more than one small glass of wine, which should not be finished. Make the man feel strong. Make yourself as attractive as possible. Makeup at all times. Skirts. Be approachable. Smile. Laugh, but quietly. Flutter your eyelashes. Bake cookies often. Exude serenity and grace. Ask for a man’s help and flatter his opinions.

Gack.

“For example,” Lou said, “you should go to the hardware store. There are lots of men at a hardware store.

Pretend you don’t know which lightbulb to choose. Ask for the man’s opinion.”

“Come on!” I blurted. “Lou, please! Who would want to date a woman who can’t choose her own lightbulb?”

“I know what you’re thinking, Grace,” Lou sang out. “This is not me. But let’s face it. ‘You’ isn’t working, or ‘you’ wouldn’t be in this class. Am I right?”

“He’s got us there,” Karen admitted with a sigh.

“THAT WAS FAIRLY DEMEANING,” I said, mimicking Lou’s rolling speech pattern as we sat at Blackie’s a half hour later, slurping down margaritas.

“At least it’s over,” Julian said.

“Okay, stop, you two. He has a point. Listen to this,” Kiki said, reading one of the handouts. “‘When in a restaurant or bar, square your shoulders, look around carefully and say to yourself, I am the most desirable woman here. This will help you exude the confidence necessary to make men notice you.’” She frowned in concentration.

“I am the most desirable woman here,” Julian said with mock earnestness.

“Problem is, you are,” I answered, nudging him in the ribs.

“Too bad you aren’t straight,” Kiki said. “Then you and I could hook up.”

“If I were straight, Grace and I would be married and have six kids by now,” Julian said valiantly, putting his arm around me.

“Aw,” I said, tilting my head against his shoulder. “Six, though? Seems like a lot.”

“I’m gonna try it,” Kiki said. “It’s our homework, right? So here goes nothing. By the way, I am the most desirable woman here, and I’m exuding confidence.” She smiled and stood up, then walked over to the bar, crossing her arms and leaning on the counter so her br**sts swelled like ocean waves in a storm surge.

A man noticed immediately. He turned, smiled appreciatively and said something.

It was Callahan O’ Shea.

My face flushed. “Crap,” I hissed. God forbid that Kiki mention the class, for one, since Callahan would know I wasn’t dating anyone, and for two…well…if Kiki was turning over a new leaf with men, shouldn’t she know Callahan was recently released from prison? And should he know she tended to be a little wacko when it came to men?

“Maybe I should warn her,” I murmured to Julian, not taking my eyes off the two of them. “That’s my neighbor. The ex-con.” I’d told Julian about Cal’s past.

“Oh, I don’t know. Embezzlement didn’t sound so bad,” Julian said, sipping his piña colada. “And God, Grace.