This Shattered World (Starbound #2)(90)
Jubilee’s nodding, her face ashen in the glow of the control panels. “Or me.” The background hum of the engines and life support is thick and heavy. Jubilee’s voice is quiet, as though to speak the words too loudly might make them true. “Maybe Davin was a test run. Maybe Towers too, to stop her from revealing his secrets. But what wouldn’t a man like Roderick LaRoux do to wield the ability to control people’s minds?”
Sometimes the girl dreams in colors. Her classes at school are the yellow of butter and flower petals, and her books are the rich blue of the deep oceans she reads about. Her mother is warm red-orange, and her father is a lighter peach that highlights it, mingles with it to turn them both the color of sunrise.
But her dreams always fade, and she can never tell what color the orphanage is, or the training base on Paradisa, or the bar where she goes when she’s off duty. She exists there in a colorless world—not black and white, but a muted, faded gray. She doesn’t even know to miss the colors, as though someone has reached into her thoughts and pulled out the memory of what color is.
The girl knows that the boy is looking for her. And when he finds her, his eyes will be green, and she’ll remember.
“NO SIGN OF EIGHT-ONE-NINE YET. Scans continuing. Traffic control on alert, orders to fire at will. Traitors on board.” The comms chatter is all about us. I’ve set the comms headset floating a few inches from my face, which is buried in my hands. With a groan, I thumb the mute button, and we’re left in abrupt silence. The heat shields are all still closed, and without the vastness of space around us, I can almost imagine us back in Flynn’s hideout, trying to wait out our pursuers.
I don’t know what to do next, and that’s killing me. I lift my head to see Flynn watching me, his expression unreadable. “I’m so sorry, Flynn. I never meant to take you away from your home.”
He shifts in his seat, running a finger underneath one of the straps of his harness. “It was my call,” he says quietly. “I could have tried to run. I chose to come.”
He’s as tense as I am, maybe even more so, but it’s so hard to reconcile that with the serenity of weightlessness. His faux-blond hair is floating out away from his head. He’s wearing a worn, much-mended, and too-large shirt his friend in town must’ve found for him, to help him blend in. He looks nothing like the Romeo who dragged me off the base, nothing like the Cormac who threw himself between his own people and me. It’s like that guy’s gone, and I killed him.
“I’m sorry anyway,” I mutter. “God, why is everything so f*cked up?”
“Because we make one hell of a team,” Flynn replies lightly, his voice a strained tease. I notice his hands are gripping his armrests, and as he shifts I can see the faint outlines of dampness beneath his palms against the plastic.
It’s with a jolt I remember he’s never been in space before—he’s never even been off the ground before. And he’s trying to relax me.
“Hey,” I try, leaning out as far as my harness will allow me, my hair drifting after me in slow motion. “Do you want to see the stars?”
He blinks, his false bravado falling away as he stares wide-eyed back at me. “The—the what?”
“The stars.” I gesture to the covered viewport in front of us. I could tell him that this might be his last chance to see them, but he already knows that. “They’re right out there. Normally we keep the heat shields on, but there’s no actual need for them out here, only when we’re going through atmo. Want to take a peek?”
He swallows, fingers tightening around his armrests. I want to tell him he’s got nothing to be afraid of—for now, we’re safer up here than we ever were on Avon’s surface. But I know telling him will do no good, because it’s not a rational fear. Even I feel a surge of primal adrenaline when I get up here, every time.
It’s like underwater diving, part of the training all soldiers get during basic. The moment the water closes over your head and you take your first breath through the respirator—your body tells you it can’t breathe, that it’s falling, that you’re going to die. And no amount of logic can stop the feeling, you just have to let it course through you and sweep on past. You have to embrace it. I hold my own breath, watching Flynn.
Slowly, he nods.
I lean forward in my harness and reach for the shield controls, hitting the release button with a light thunk. There’s the hum of the shield mechanism, and then the thick sheet of metal dilates outward—and the sky is full of stars.
The air leaves Flynn’s lungs in an audible rush, and he presses himself back in his seat. I look over to see his eyes flicking this way and that, and I reach out to grab his hand. His fingers wrap around mine with the grip of a drowning man.
“Hey, I’m right here.” I shift my hand so I can weave my fingers through his.
Just let the water close over your head and trust your respirator. Don’t fight it.
Gradually his breathing slows and his painful grip eases. I watch his face as the fear fades and his eyes focus. There’s nothing but stars as far as the eye can see, except for the sliver of Avon at the far left, little more than the gentle blue-gray glow of its constant cloud cover. It’s enough to illuminate Flynn’s features, though, as he leans forward against his harness.
He can’t take his eyes off the stars, but I can’t take mine off his face. I can see the stars reflected in his eyes, can see the wonder of it in the way his mouth opens but no sound comes out. His eyes, his face—they’re beautiful.