The Viper (Highland Guard #4)(103)

He heard her sharp intake of breath as she went still in his arms. For the longest time she didn’t say anything, but simply stared up at him. He’d never felt so exposed in his life. His heart felt like a hammer in his chest, pounding hard and unrelentingly. At just about the point he didn’t think he could stand another minute without squirming, she repeated hesitantly, “You love me?”

She managed to convey both wariness and skepticism in the inflection of that one word. He couldn’t blame her. He wasn’t all that comfortable with the idea himself. What the hell did he know about love?

He hadn’t expected her to jump in his arms and declare her love for him—if she’d ever cared for him, he’d sure as hell ruined that—but it pained him to realize just how much cause she had to be cautious. He’d hurt her, and she feared he would do so again. “I know I haven’t acted like it.”

“No, you haven’t,” she agreed all too readily. “Why should I believe you?”

He should have known she wouldn’t make it easy on him. But he’d dug himself into this grave, so he needed to dig himself out. “I’ve never been so miserable in my life.”

Her mouth quirked. “And this is supposed to convince me? I think you’re going to have to do better than that.”

For a man who’d never thought he had feelings, let alone tried to talk about them, he didn’t know what to say. “I’ve never felt like this about anyone. You make me crazy. You make me happy. You make me want to be a better man.”

A smile hovered around her lips. “That’s sweet.”

He nearly choked. “Sweet? Good God, don’t let anyone hear you say that!” He’d never hear the end of it.

She eyed him expectantly. “Is that all?”

He gave her a sharp look. “This isn’t exactly easy for me; you could show a little mercy.”

She lifted an imperious brow. “Mercy? I didn’t think you knew the word.” She shook her head. “You know I’m beginning to doubt this fearsome reputation of yours. I didn’t think you were scared of anything.”

“I didn’t think so either,” he muttered under his breath. He’d rather take on an army of Englishmen with his bare hands—naked—then bare himself like this.

How could he find words to convey the enormity of what was in his heart? “You were right. I was fighting this. I was fighting you. I’ve done everything I could to make you hate me, but it wasn’t until I succeeded that I knew what a damned fool I’ve been. I swear if I could take back what happened in that boathouse, I would.” He dragged his hand through his hair, trying to find a way to explain the inexcusable. “I should have pushed you away, but I wasn’t strong enough. Somehow it ended up all twisted. I tried to make myself believe that all I felt for you was lust, and I made you believe it.”

“You didn’t act alone, Lachlan. I should never have done what I did.” Her cheeks flushed in the darkness. “It was wrong of me to try to persuade you that way. I didn’t give you a choice to push me away; I wanted to make you weak.” He felt her eyes on his face, as if she could dig the truth out of him. “But I don’t understand. If you love me, why did you refuse to help me?”

He knew he had to tell her all of it. “You know I have some debts?” She nodded. “Some of the money is for the families of the men who died for me that day.”

She gasped. Her eyes locked on his. “How much of it?”

He shrugged uncomfortably. “They had large families.”

“My God, you’ve been supporting all those people for ten years?”

His jaw locked. “It’s not enough.” It would never be enough.

“Why didn’t you tell me? How could you let me think you didn’t care about your duty to your clan? How could you let me make all those accusations?”

“Because I didn’t want you looking at me the way you are now. I’m not a bloody saint, but I pay my debts.”

Her eyes widened with horror as she realized all the ramifications. “Oh God, Lachlan, I’m sorry. I swear to you I will find a way to make sure you get your money. If Robert won’t … Somehow, I’ll repay you.”

He stiffened. “It’s my debt, Bella, not yours. I don’t want your money. I’ll find a way.”

“But—”

He stopped her with a finger over her mouth. “No.”

Her lips pursed. “Do you always have to be so stubborn?”

He lifted a brow. “Do you?”

Their eyes met and her frown dissolved into a wry grin. “It would be much easier between us if we weren’t.”

“Aye, but I wouldn’t want you any other way.”

The broad smile that lit her face warmed his heart. “You wouldn’t?”

He shook his head. “That stubborn pride makes you strong. It helped you survive. It brought you back to me.” He squeezed her harder against him. “I should have protected you.”

“You did as much as was humanly possible. But no man is invincible—not even you. We were betrayed; there is nothing you or anyone could have done about that.”

He started to argue, but this time it was she who put a finger to his mouth. “There are no one’s hands I would rather put my life into, Lachlan. No one. I, too, wouldn’t want you any other way.”