The Shop on Blossom Street (Blossom Street #1)(42)

While outwardly everyone was sympathetic, Carol knew her friends were bored with the subject. She also knew how badly her mother wanted grandchildren. All her mother’s friends carried around purseloads of pictures of their grandkids, while her own mother sat by, silent and depressed. Neither Carol nor Rick had given her bragging rights. She said it jokingly, but Carol felt her mother’s disappointment as keenly as she felt her own.

To this point, Doug’s parents had been supportive and encouraging, but they too were weary of waiting. Thankfully, his younger sister had made them grandparents twice over, but his father was hoping for a grandson to carry on the family name. The pressure wasn’t explicit but it was there and Carol nearly suffocated under the weight of it.

Tears filled her eyes. Never in all her life had she wept as much as she had in these last few years. Before long, she had a thick wad of tissues in her hand.

It wasn’t as if she hadn’t tried. She’d submitted to every therapy available and ingested a pharmacy full of drugs. All those drugs. God only knew what she’d done to her body or what risks she’d taken, but it wouldn’t have mattered. Nothing mattered except having a baby. She was willing to swallow anything, inject her stomach with drugs, volunteer for any experimental program, if there was even the slightest possibility it would help her get pregnant—and stay pregnant.

“What are you doing out here?” Doug came into the room wearing striped pajama bottoms and no top; it was how he always slept. He sat down across from her. “What’s the matter? Can’t you sleep?”

Afraid that he might hear the tears in her voice, she shook her head.

He didn’t say anything and they sat together in silence. After a few minutes, her husband stood up and stretched out his arm to her and pulled her into his embrace.

“You should try to sleep,” he said.

“I know.”

He didn’t try to lead her back to bed and she was grateful.

“What about you?” she asked.

“I don’t think I can sleep without you.”

She smiled, comforted by the knowledge that she was as much a part of him as he was of her.

A ferry glided toward Vashon Island and Carol forced her attention onto its slow progress from Fauntleroy to Southworth. The terrible tension returned and she had to ask the one question that had hounded her for months. “What are we going to do if I don’t get pregnant this time?” Her words came out a broken whisper. “Adopt?”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”

“I can’t wait. I need to know now.”

“Why?”

“What if the adoption agencies decide we aren’t fit parents? What if we can’t get an infant the way we want? What…what if the IVF fails again? Oh, Doug, I shouldn’t think like that and yet I can’t stop myself.”

Doug’s sigh rumbled from deep within his chest. “Then don’t think like that. If the IVF fails, we’ll adopt and if we aren’t accepted by the agency, then we won’t have children. Other couples have survived and we will, too.”

“No…we won’t.”

“Carol.”

“It might be all right between us for a while, but then one day you’ll look at some little boy or girl and—” The lump in her throat made it impossible to continue.

Doug didn’t try to deny it. “Don’t say that.”

She gave a helpless shrug.

“What makes you think we won’t be able to adopt? Other couples our age adopt. Why can’t we?”

“Because we’re too late.”

“Too late? Why is it too late?”

“Because the waiting lists are years long. By the time they get to our name, we’ll be in our midforties.”

“You’re erecting roadblocks where there aren’t any.”

Carol couldn’t respond. Her misery was too great. It was easy for Doug to say she was agonizing over nonexistent problems; it wasn’t his body that failed them month after month.

“We’re going to have a baby,” Doug said.

“Don’t say that,” she cried.

“Carol, stop it. You’re getting hysterical.”

“I’m hysterical and frightened and depressed and—”

“Defeated. Why go through with the procedure if you’ve already decided it isn’t going to work?”

“Because I have to know.”

“You want to know that you can’t get pregnant?” he asked gently.

Doug thought he was helping but he wasn’t. In fact, he was making everything worse. “Just leave me alone.”

“Carol, for heaven’s sake…”

“I don’t want you here. I need some time by myself.” It was like this with the drugs, these wild mood swings. They’d been warned; nevertheless, Carol was caught un-prepared.

Doug stood up and walked over to the window. Gazing into the moonlit night, he rubbed his hand over his face as though considering his options. “I don’t think I should leave you alone.” He didn’t look at her as he spoke.

“Please just go.”

“You need me.”

“Not now…I need to be by myself.”

“Carol…” He turned toward her.