The Remedy (The Program 0.5)(87)

I cover my mouth, absolutely overcome by his guilt. I jump forward and wrap my arms around him, holding him so tight I don’t know how he can breathe. Isaac doesn’t pull away, and I hold on to him, especially when I feel him shudder. Hear the first hitch of a cry.

“It’s okay . . . ,” I whisper close to his ear, running my fingers gently over the back of his neck to comfort him. “It’s not your fault,” I say. “It’s not your fault.” He whimpers into my shoulder, broken and lost. I absorb his guilt, telling him that he didn’t know what she was going to do. And that she would never, ever saddle him with this misery.

“I miss her,” he says miserably. “I don’t think it’ll ever be okay again.”

“It will,” I promise him. “So many people love you. And they need you, Isaac. They need you. Please trust that Catalina loved you, but something happened to her. She got sick and she didn’t tell anybody. Nobody knew, Isaac.”

“I did.”

“Not the extent of it,” I tell him, pressing my cheek to his. “You didn’t know how bad it really was. You’re not to blame. You have to let that guilt go. It’s not yours.”

“She’s the only one,” he says, sniffling back his tears, his body starting to calm. “The only one I’ll ever love. Did she know that?”

I want to tell him that she did, tell him anything he wants to hear just so he’ll smile again. Isaac Perez is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met, and he loved his girlfriend. He truly did. But I can’t lie to him. I won’t lie to him anymore.

“No matter how much you told her,” I say, “I don’t know if she believed it. I don’t know if she could at the end. But you’re still here, and I have to trust that if she could see you, if she was no longer in pain and could see you, she would only want good things. She loved you too, Isaac.” I pull back to look at him, running my hand over his cheeks to clear his tears. “I know that for a fact.”

He catches my hand, holds it on his face. For a minute I worry that he’ll kiss me, that he hasn’t been listening. But then in his eyes I see that he has. I see that he’s ready to let go of Catalina Barnes. It hurts a little. Because I know it also means he’s saying good-bye to me.

* * *

“It’s time to say good-bye,” I say, standing in the middle of the room. Isaac asked me to go through the motions in the typical way, said he was curious about how it worked. A weight seems to have lifted from his shoulders, and I see a hint of the guy I met those times when we were with Jason.

Isaac stands in front of me, and it’s all very formal. Very awkward. He nods, and for a minute it’s almost like we’re about to say our wedding vows. He smiles. “Would it help if we sat down?” he asks.

I exhale. “Yes, please.” I walk back over to the couch, relieved to not have to stand in front of him. Isaac sits, fascinated by me, the closer, now that the brunt of his guilt has left him.

“This is where you say all the things you wanted her to know,” I tell him. Isaac looks down sadly, but in his face I see a bit of nostalgia, and I imagine he’s thinking about the good times they had together. Thinking more about the love they had, and less about the pain he felt after her death.

“It’s weird,” he starts, “because I still love her so much. What can I do with that kind of feeling—where can it go?”

“To yourself,” I say. He presses his lips together, and turns to me. “Love yourself and your memories. It doesn’t have to go anywhere.”

“I’ll always love her,” he says simply. “I’ll love her my whole life.”

In that instant, I wish she could be here to see him. To see how much he loves her, would have done anything she asked. I think about what she would tell him. I close my eyes, and when I look at him again, my expression has changed. My voice is different. “I wrote about you in my diary,” I say. Isaac’s breath catches, and he watches me. “How much I loved you. All of our private moments. They’re in the closet in my room. Up high. You should have them. I . . . I think I left them for you.”

“Catalina, I’m sorry,” Isaac starts. “I just need you to know how goddamn sorry I am.”

“I forgive you,” I whisper. “I forgive you for loving me too much.” He sways, and tears race down his cheeks. My heart breaks, feeling the loss of Catalina and Isaac, their story cut short in the wake of a tragedy. I lean in and kiss softly at his lips, just once, and then wrap my arms around his neck to hug him. I close my eyes. “Good-bye, Isaac.”

His voice is barely a breath. “Good-bye, Catalina.”

We stay locked together for a while longer, not speaking because we know that this assignment is done, and that when I pull away, Catalina will be gone too. Isaac holds me, and then finally he lets out a long breath, and he moves back.

His eyes are swollen, but there’s a sparkle behind them. I wait for him to tell me he’s going to be all right. He swallows, and looks toward the hallway.

“I . . .” He stops to clear his throat. “I got you something for the party, but since you won’t be there, I wondered if I could give it to you now.”

My stomach sinks, and I worry that he’s still confused. “I’m sorry,” I say in my own voice. “I’m . . . I’m not Catalina . . . anymore.”