The Remedy (The Program 0.5)(55)

I roll over in bed and take out my phone. I scroll through to see if I have any other messages, but there’s nothing. Disappointment burrows itself into my consciousness, and I wish I’d talked to Deacon sooner. Apologized for ditching him at the bar. I wish I could be on his back porch right now, letting him whisper into my hair about how shitty the rain is.

I allow myself another moment of dwelling, and then make the decision to put away all thoughts of my life to focus on my assignment. Boredom soon follows, but it’s not entirely unusual. When I’m working, I can’t go out with friends or do my normal activities—I’m quarantined in a life with as little of my own as possible. I’m sick of the Internet, of depressing news. I’m sick of feeling bad about everything.

I remember the journal pages. Of course.

The crumpled pages are just where I left them between the mattress and the box spring, and I’m all nerves and anticipation when I pull them onto my lap. I turn toward the doorway, trying to gauge the position of my family members, and hear my mother still talking on the phone with my sister. That should keep her distracted for a while. I wouldn’t want her to walk in on me reading them, especially if she didn’t know they existed. A better person would have turned the pages over, or at least alerted Marie. Luckily, I’m only average in the good-person department.

I begin, skimming and finding that all of the pages are about Isaac—like a love letter, a retelling of our relationship. I’m riveted, completely invested in learning everything. I read about how we met, our first kiss, and then I stop and go back to the start so I can absorb more.

Kyle first told me she wanted me to date Isaac at the end of homeroom. I laughed, because, yuck—he was a total jock. But mostly because he’d just dumped Alexis Culverson. That was a serious douche alarm. Alexis was awesome.

I stifle a laugh, and turn the page, beginning to chew on my thumbnail.

Kyle was a total idiot. If I didn’t love her, I would have killed her to death and then killed her again. After school we went to eat at Off Campus, like we do every day. While I was mid-bite into my cheeseburger, Kyle called for Isaac and Nando to come sit with us. I gave her the death glare, which she completely ignored, and slid over for Nando to sit next to me. He and Kyle laughed about some stupid test, and it was painfully obvious to me and Isaac that we were supposed to talk too.

He looked up. I looked down. And thankfully the entire awkward exchange only lasted long enough for Kyle to get an invite to Nando’s party the next weekend. The guys got up, and I halfheartedly waved, thinking that was the end of it. But then, right next to my seat, Isaac looked sideways at me. He smiled, sort of sweet. Sort of shy. And then he left.

I didn’t admit it to Kyle—screw her—but once I looked at him, I realized Isaac Perez was kind of smoking hot. Even if he probably sucked as a person.

I lay the pages across my chest and stare out the window, smiling to myself. How much fun it must have been, being so carefree. Going to school and hanging out with friends. Meeting boys and making plans. I’ve never had that. I never will.

What I wouldn’t give to be Catalina Barnes.

CHAPTER TEN

I CONTINUE READING, HEARING ALL about how I connected with Isaac, unsure at first, or maybe he was. Either way, I’m at the part where I was debating whether I should have sex with him or wait longer, when my phone buzzes. I glance at it impatiently, not wanting to stop reading, but I see it’s Aaron. I look between the phone and the pages, and then set the writing aside and click on the phone.

“Hey,” I say. “Deacon said you’d need a few days to find out info on Virginia.”

Aaron laughs. “I do. I’m not calling about her. I just needed someone to talk to. Things around here are . . . heavy.”

I sit up, concerned by the tone of his voice. “Are you all right?” I ask.

“Yeah,” he says. “I’m fine. It’s just . . . this case. Dude was messed up.”

“How so?”

“I was going through his profiles and everything was peachy, you know? Unrealistically happy. But then I found these notebooks in his closet. Three of them with words scribbled across the pages, and then a bunch of large black spirals. I felt like I was in a horror movie or something.”

My heart stops. “I know exactly you’re talking about,” I say. “I . . . I found something similar in Catalina’s things.”

“You’ve seen them?” he says. “That’s strange. And they’re unsettling, right?” he asks, as if needing affirmation for being creeped out.

“Very,” I agree. “What . . . what do you think they mean?”

“I have no idea,” Aaron says. “But to be honest, those spirals tripped me out. For a minute it was like I was slipping away. Don’t worry,” he says firmly. “I’m fine now. I just needed to hear a familiar voice, but Deacon was bringing me down.”

“Yeah,” I say. “He’s not too happy with me.”

“He’ll get over it,” Aaron says. “But dang, girl. He was all torn up this morning, telling me how you left with your boyfriend—”

“First of all,” I say, “it’s an assignment—not my actual boyfriend. Second of all, if I did have a boyfriend, he still wouldn’t have a right to complain.”

“But he—”