The Program (The Program #1)(81)

“Why?”

“Just curious.”

I should say no and lead him out before my parents get home, but it’s nice having him around. It’s nice knowing I’m not the only person feeling helpless. James walks into my room and wanders around, looking though the pile of junk on my dresser, testing the softness of my bed. When he sees me watching him, he smiles.

“I know I’m loathsome. You don’t have to say it.”

“I’ll try not to.”

He laughs then and gets up. “Can I see the picture again?” he asks. I’m leaning against the doorframe when I take the photo out of my jeans, and then James is right in front of me. Close.

He takes the picture from my hand, studying my face as he does. My breath catches and I don’t say anything. “He looks like you,” James murmurs, glancing again at the image.

“We were related.” But my heart isn’t into the sarcasm, and it just comes out sad. James seems to notice.

“I’m sorry he’s gone,” he whispers, examining me once again. “And I’m sorry I don’t remember.”

It breaks my heart to hear him say that. I don’t even know if he and Brady were that close, but the ache that I have tells me that they had to be.

Without thinking, I lean forward and hug James, making him stagger backward against the other side of the doorway. At first his hands are awkwardly at my hips as I rest my head on his chest. His arms wrap around me protectively, the shock of his touch almost jarring in its comfort.

“I’m sorry,” I say suddenly, and straighten up. I back away, not sure there is anything I can tell him to make the impromptu affection less awkward. But James grabs my wrists and pulls me to him again, this time hugging me tightly like he’s the one who needs it.

We stand like that, his heart pounding against mine. James rests his hand under my hair at the back of my neck. “I like this,” he says. “And it’s weird because we don’t really know each other, but . . .” He trails off and I don’t try to fill in the words for him because I know what he means.

Me and him, together like this. It’s the strangest feeling, full of things I don’t understand, both comfort and agony. But the one thing I am sure of is that I feel is safe.

“James,” I say.

“Sloane.”

“I think we’ve done this before.” I’m so certain, and yet, I’m not sure what to think about it. How can I feel so close to someone I don’t know?

A long silence passes and then James moves me back, his hand still on my neck. “I should go,” he says. “I’ll . . . I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” His face is a mask of uncertainty, and I wish I hadn’t said anything, hadn’t insinuated that we’d been more than friends. He looks completely freaked out.

“I’m sorry—” I start to say, but he shakes his head.

“You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about,” he answers, sounding kind. Polite. He turns then, walking out into the hall, and all I can do is follow him. My eyes are stinging with the start of tears. I don’t want him to leave.

When he gets to the back door, he pauses, holding it open, but not looking back. “I really am sorry about your brother, Sloane,” he says.

And I don’t have time to answer before he leaves me standing alone in my kitchen.

CHAPTER NINE

I LIE IN MY BED, THE PURPLE RING ON MY FINGER. Why would I save something like this? It’s just a cheap plastic ring. I bring my hand closer, praying for some clarity. But it doesn’t come.

Turning on my side, I examine the picture again. It makes my heart ache to see how happy Brady looks, and to know I’ll never see that expression again. And next to him is James, just as carefree.

I’m confused and hurt by how James treated me today. I don’t understand if I said something wrong, pushed him too far. I thought he was having the same feelings, but I guess not. I can’t wrap my brain around his behavior, and more than that, I feel rejected.

I’m just looking for what I lost.

• • •

I avoid James when I go back to school, which is just as well since Kevin seems to be constantly at my side. I half expect to find him in the bathroom with me when I brush my teeth at night. But when I hit week two of recovery, he pulls me aside in the hallway after math class.

“Here,” he says, handing me a small piece of paper. I look down at the address on it, and then at him.

“Michael will be waiting for you.” Kevin nods toward the paper. “But Sloane,” he says cautiously, “they’ve pulled me off your case. I’m not sure if you’ll get a new handler or . . . what is going on. That’s why I’m giving you Michael’s contact info.” He exhales then, as if he’s truly sad to leave me here. And although I’m glad to not have him watching me anymore, I hope they don’t give me another handler.

“Be careful,” Kevin whispers as he backs away, watching me until he turns to leave.

I wait a beat. Kevin seemed nervous about something, but Realm will know what’s going on. He always seems to know everything.

“Sloane?”

I’m staring blankly into my locker when he says my name. James is next to me, and I immediately roll my eyes. “Go away,” I say. “I’m not in the mood for your hot and cold affection today.”