The Duchess War (Brothers Sinister #1)(37)

“Mud was involved,” Sebastian supplied.

“Thereafter,” Violet continued equably, “it was agreed that it was patently unfair for me to play princess every time. So we tossed a coin for it. But Robert never would play princess—not even when it was his turn.” The countess frowned at Robert, and he looked about.

“A coin only has two sides,” he said. “There was no way to assign a side to me.”

“Except by—”

Robert raised a hand. “And now is not the time to get into methods for making coin tosses balance amongst three. Suffice to say, I would have made a very bad princess.”

“I see,” Minnie said slowly.

“You don’t,” Mr. Malheur threw in. “You’re thinking that Violet might make a reasonable princess. But she was exactly like this when she was a child—all prim and proper on the outside, but a hellion when no adults were looking. She only looks respectable. I don’t know how she did it, but Robert and I would return from our outings covered head to toe in mud, and Violet would look fresh as a spring day.”

“There is this lovely thing called water,” Violet put in. “Boys seem to be unaware of its existence.” She cast a look at Minnie over her knitting. “Hygiene is important.”

Miss Pursling smiled and looked down.

“Incidentally,” Mr. Malheur added, “for the sake of my dignity, Miss Pursling, I must inform you that when I played the role, it was called ‘prince.’ Not princess.”

“Called prince by you,” Robert put in. “The rest of us called you ‘princess.’ It doesn’t make sense otherwise. Dragons want to devour princesses. They don’t care about princes.”

“You have a great deal to learn about dragons. Think about it: We get more beef from steers than cows. It’s well known that the male of the species produces finer flesh.”

“I thought,” Miss Pursling said, “that we didn’t eat female cows because we preferred to save them for their milk.”

Not this argument. Down this road there could only lie doom. Robert hunkered back in his chair and waited for the inevitable time in which Sebastian would send Miss Pursling screaming.

Mr. Malheur winked at Miss Pursling. “Dragons like cheese.”

“But dragons cannot milk princesses,” Miss Pursling responded. “They do not have opposable thumbs.”

Mr. Malheur looked upward. “Very clever, and you’d almost be right. But dragons have minions. In any event, it’s quite clear that the female of the human species has inferior meat. They are saddled with those unfortunate fatty deposits round the front. Whereas flank of manflesh is lean, tender, and succulent.” He emphasized this by standing up and setting one hand against the seat of his trousers.

The countess rolled her eyes. “The least said about flank of manflesh, the happier we all will be. Besides, I thought you rather liked those unfortunate fatty deposits round the front. You spend enough time—”

Robert coughed loudly.

“My preferences are irrelevant,” Sebastian managed, with a great deal of haughty grandness. “I am not a dragon.”

“True,” Robert put in. “You’re a peacock—flaunting your feathers for the female of the species.”

“If it works…” Sebastian smiled, and then turned his head, peering at imaginary tail feathers on his behind. “And yes, that is one of my better features, thank you.”

The countess let out a loud, defeated sigh. “Are we talking about Sebastian’s bu**ocks again? Has he no other body parts?”

That was the point when Robert realized that Miss Pursling wasn’t staring at the floor and hadn’t been for some time. She had a small smile on her face, and she was looking between the two of them, her eyes round in fascination, her cheeks flushed pink.

Robert pointed a finger at Sebastian. “You see?” he said accusingly. “I knew you would do it. You baited me into that, you did. I will never believe a word you say again.”

“You’re welcome.” Sebastian bowed low and then sat once more. “All that unrequited awkwardness…” He gave a mock shiver. “I will collect my thanks later.”

“Gah. I hate you both.”

Normally he’d have loved passing time like this—listening to his friends bat the ball of conversation back and forth between them like deranged cats. But Miss Pursling was going to think he was insane, spending time with these two. Hell; he was related to Sebastian. First cousins. He might as well have announced that he had an entire branch of his family in Bedlam.

“Oh, dear,” Sebastian said. “Were we not supposed to have said any of that?”

“Of course we could,” said Violet. “We specifically mentioned that he never played princess. That makes him manly. You still think him manly, Miss Pursling, do you not?”

“I feel it important to make no comment.” Miss Pursling looked down, but her eyes sparkled.

“You know,” Sebastian said, “I must object to that line of reasoning. It takes supreme confidence in one’s manliness to play princess. Maybe we’ve only made him appear insecure.”

“Maybe,” Violet said all too loudly, “if we don’t mention that, she won’t notice.”