The Chief (Highland Guard #1)(125)

“Nay,” he stopped her. “They would have died whether you were there are not. No one could have foreseen what happened. My men make that journey a few times a month; attacks at sea are very rare. I can only guess that the MacDougalls recognized my banner and thought to continue in their efforts to destroy me.”

“It was the MacDougalls behind the attacks?”

He nodded.

That meant … “You caught Brother John before he could pass on what he learned.”

“We did.” Thank God. At least she would not be responsible for that. “Turns out my new clerk was John of Lorne’s nephew, and my previous clerk did not meet with an accident.”

How horrible! She bit her lip, still struggling with the realization that her friend had betrayed them. She felt Tor’s gaze on her face and lifted her eyes to his. “And when you left him?”

He held her gaze. “He’d seen us.”

Christina nodded in understanding. It could be no other way. The clerk had known what he’d risked, what would happen if he were caught. But still, her heart filled with sadness to know of his death.

Sensing her distress, Tor swept a lock of hair from her face, lingering to caress her bruised cheek with the back of his finger. “He did not suffer. And I believe he truly regretted your part in his treachery. He genuinely cared for you.”

The tenderness of the caress confused her—as did his kind words. Did he have to make this so difficult? She just wanted to get it over with. Turning her face from his hand, she took a step away from him. “I should not have left you the way I did.”

“Nay, you shouldn’t have.”

“It was cowardly not to say good-bye. But … I … I didn’t know if I’d have the strength.”

“Why did you leave me, Tina?”

Something in his voice made her heart catch. No. She would not allow herself to imagine feelings where none existed. She didn’t look at him when she answered. “Because I could not bear a lifetime of living with someone who could never love me. Who would not allow me to share in his life because he did not care for me or value me.”

“I see,” he said evenly. “If that were true, then you had every cause to leave.”

I did? Her gaze shot to his, his expression unreadable. Of course she did. He must have recognized the futility of their marriage as well. Her insides burned. Why did the truth have to hurt so much? Couldn’t he pretend to care just a little bit? She lowered her gaze, not wanting him to see the tears in her eyes. Somehow she got the words out, though each felt stuck in her throat. “If you could take me to Iona on your journey back, I will not bother you again.”

“I’m afraid I can’t do that,” he said softly.

Pain welled up inside her like a hot sear of iron on raw flesh. “Of course you will be busy with your team and the earl. Perhaps you might arrange a boat to take me—”

“Nay.”

The definitiveness of the refusal finally made her look at him.

“You aren’t going to Iona,” he said.

She didn’t understand. “But you swore that if I ever wished to leave, you would allow me to retire to Iona with my sister.”

He shrugged. “I’ve changed my mind.”

“But you can’t do that. You made a vow.”

He grinned at her outraged expression. The sight was so unexpected considering the circumstances that she didn’t know what to do. How could he be so cruel as to taunt her like this? But then she looked into his eyes, and what she saw there stopped her heart.

Taking advantage of her confusion, he slid his arm around her waist and pulled her against him, molding her body to his. He kissed her. Gently. Tenderly. With almost reverent emotion. “I will do whatever I must to keep you by my side,” he said.

All signs of laughter were gone, and she read uncertainty in his gaze.

But Tor was never uncertain.

“I don’t understand.”

This time he was the one to pull away. He raked his fingers through his still damp hair. It fell in delicious, rumpled waves just past his ears. “I’m not very good at this.”

She waited for him to continue, not sure what “this” was.

He drew a deep breath. “When I realized that I might lose you, it was as if something inside me shifted. As if everything I thought I knew had been suddenly turned around.”

He seemed to be in considerable agony, but she took no pity on him. “What do you mean?”

“Ever since my parents died and I became chief, I’ve thought I had to be different. That the only way to do my duty to my clan was to cut myself off from all emotion. But in doing so I forgot how to live. You brought warmth into my life,” he said, stroking her cheek with the back of his finger. “I thought I didn’t need anyone, but I was wrong. I need you, Tina. Without you in my life, there is only coldness.”

He paused, and Christina stared at him. “For someone who isn’t good at talking about your feelings you’re doing a fantastic job.”

He smiled with relief. “Then you’ve heard enough?”

She shook her head.

“I know I was an arse.” She didn’t disagree with him. “I said things that I have no right to ask you to forgive. I have no defense other than the belief that I had to do everything alone. I know you were only trying to help me. Nor were you the only one fooled by an unassuming clerk. I do value you. I always have, though I might not have known how much. I’ve never though of a woman for a clerk, but you proved me wrong. Rhuairi said your calculations were impeccable. And after what you did today … because of you, Bruce will live to fight tomorrow.” The pride in his gaze could not be feigned. “Forgive me, Tina. Come home with me and give me another chance.”