That Holiday Feeling (Virgin River #8)(55)

“And that applies to love, too?”

“I imagine you’re asking about you and Savannah,” Nate said. “Now, granted I’ve only seen the two of you together once or twice, but looked to me as if there was something special between you. It’s not important what I think, though. What do you think?”

“I don’t know if I even believe in love,” Trace said dejectedly.

“Well now, there’s a topic with which I’m familiar,” Nate said. “You know about Mae and me, I imagine.”

Trace nodded.

“You probably don’t know so much about me and Janie, my wife. Janie and I met when we were kids barely out of diapers,” he said, a nostalgic expression on his face. “By first grade I’d already declared that I wanted to marry her, though at that age I didn’t really understand exactly what that meant. Not once in all our years of growing up did I change my mind. Janie was the girl for me. We married as soon as I graduated from college, settled down right here and began raising a family.”

He glanced at Trace. “Now that should have been a storybook ending, two people in love their whole lives, married and blessed with kids. But Janie’s nerves started giving her problems. The kids upset her. Anytime I was away from the house for more than a few hours, she’d get so distraught, I’d find her in tears when I came home. The doctors checked for a chemical imbalance. They tried her on medicine after medicine, but slowly but surely she slipped away from me.”

Tears glistened in his eyes. “The day I had to take her to Country Haven was the worst day of my life. I told her she’d be home again, but I think we both knew that day wouldn’t come. She’s happy at Country Haven. She feels safe there. But there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t miss the carefree girl I fell in love with.”

“It sounds as though you still love her deeply,” Trace said.

“I do,” Nate said simply.

“Then what about Mae?”

“After Janie went into the treatment facility, Mae helped out with the kids from time to time. They adored her. They stopped by the inn every day after school, and she always had cookies and milk waiting for them. Soon enough, I took to stopping by, too. Mae was a godsend for all of us during that first year.”

He met Trace’s gaze. “It’s important that you know that nothing improper went on between us. I considered myself a married man and I loved my wife. But I loved Mae, too. Since you’re not even sure if love exists, I don’t know if you can understand that it’s possible for a man to love two women, but I did. If I had thought for a single second that my friendship with Mae would hurt Janie, I would have ended it. But the truth was, there were times when Janie didn’t even seem to know who I was, didn’t seem to care that I was there to visit. That never kept me from going, but it did make me see that I didn’t need to lock my heart away in that place with her. I gave Mae every bit of love I felt free to give her. I also gave her the freedom to choose whether to love me. I admired her too much to do anything less.”

He sighed. “Given the way of the world now, a lot of men would have divorced a wife like Janie and moved on. That wasn’t my way. I’d made a commitment, and I honored it in the only way I knew how. And whether you believe it or not, I honored my commitment to Mae the same way.”

“I’m sorry you were in such a difficult position,” Trace said. “It must have been heartbreaking.”

“Having Mae in my life was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I can’t possibly regret that it couldn’t have been more, except for her sake. She deserved better.”

“I think you made her very happy,” Trace told him.

“I hope so,” Nate said, then paused and looked directly into Trace’s eyes. “There’s a reason I’m telling you this. I always believed that one day Mae and I would be able to be together openly, that we’d marry and spend our remaining years together. Maybe even do a little traveling. We never had that chance.”

Trace understood what he was saying. “This is your way of reminding me that life is short and unpredictable.”

“Exactly. If you love Savannah, don’t waste time counting the days until it seems appropriate to tell her. Don’t fritter away precious hours planning for the future. Start living every moment. I’ve lived a good long life, but I’m here to tell you that it’s still a whole lot shorter than I’d like.”

They’d circled around and were back at Nate’s driveway. “Think about what I said,” he told Trace.

“I will,” Trace promised. “Would you like to join us for Christmas dinner?”

“I would, but I’ll be going out to see Janie in a while. She seems to like it when I come by to read to her.”

“Thank you for sharing your story with me,” Trace said, genuinely touched that Nate had told him.

“Don’t thank me. Take my advice.” He grinned. “Otherwise, I have a feeling Mae will find some way to give me grief for failing her. That woman always did know how to nag.”

Nate was still chuckling as he walked slowly toward his house. Trace watched to make sure he didn’t slip on the icy patches, then walked back to Holiday Retreat, his heart somehow lighter and more certain.

Ten

For the life of her, Savannah couldn’t read Trace’s expression when he got back from his walk. She thought he looked more at peace with himself, but had no idea what that meant.