Temptation Ridge (Virgin River #6)(114)

“You don’t have to say it. You were clear from the beginning—that just isn’t going to happen with you. So I’m taking off. I came to say goodbye. I’m leaving in two days for Maui. That vacation I’ve been kicking around. I’m packing up the car, driving to San Francisco and picking up a flight from there. Then I’ll go back to San Francisco and look around for an apartment. Maybe get a part-time job and audit some classes while I wait. San Francisco State is going to take me.”

“Shelby,” he said, stepping toward her. He reached for her hand and when she didn’t meet him halfway, he pulled her hand out of her pocket and drew her toward him. “I’m freezing. Come inside. Tell me about your plans.”

“I want this to be quick. I want you to remember me strong, sure of myself. You’re probably better at saying goodbye than I am. I don’t want to get all worked up.”

“I never say goodbye,” he said. He pulled her into the house and kicked the door closed behind her. He faced her and held both her upper arms in his hands. “Isn’t this kind of sudden?”

“Oh—I’ve known for a while this was coming. This was the best I could do. But I wanted to tell you a couple of things. It just matters to me that you know…. I don’t have any regrets,” she said. “I know I didn’t give you much of a choice—I was so determined that you were going to be the one, my first man, my first love. And I was mostly right—you made everything perfect. I don’t think I’ll live a day without remembering, without feeling your arms, your lips… Thank you, Luke. For treating me like you loved me. Every time you touched me, I believed you loved me.”

“What are you saying? That you’re not coming back? Ever?”

“I’m sure I’ll be back to visit the family, but not until I think I can do that without getting in your space. I mean, when I move on, you move on. I understand that. There will be another girl’s shampoo in your shower before I—”

“I don’t let just anyone keep shampoo in my shower,” he said. He pulled her close, put his arms around her. “Shelby, take off your coat. Stay with me a while.”

“Nah, I’m afraid if I stay even five minutes longer than I have to, I’ll never have the courage to go.” She pulled back and looked up at him. “I knew you were completely honest with me, Luke. I understood—you just like things free and easy, you don’t want all the complications that go with taking on a commitment to a woman. You don’t want a family. I guess not everyone does. I knew it, but inside there was a tiny little voice that kept saying, but he loves me enough for that to change. I thought maybe you could be that guy—the guy who’d say the perfect thing and keep me forever….”

He ran a hand through her hair. “Shelby, honey, I told you I was a bad choice if you were looking for those things. I’d make the promises if I could keep them.”

“Oh, you make them and keep them. You do it all the time. You promised me you’d never let yourself be tied down to a woman, and you meant it. I thought the right woman might change that, but…I realized I was kidding myself when you told me what you’d done for Art. You not only took him on and cared for him, but made a commitment to him, to be sure he was taken care of forever. That’s when I knew for sure—it wasn’t really commitment that has you running scared. It’s making a life with me, that’s what you can’t do. Something must be missing. I’m just not enough for you to take that kind of risk.”

“Nothing was missing,” he said. “Nothing. But I’m not a good bet and you have things to do. I saw you out there at the accident—you were born to help people. You have to go after that life, and you should see more of the world than you have. Shelby, the possibilities for you…”

“If that’s what it was, we’d talk about how to make all that happen. Together. There are a million ways to work this out, you and me. Except…there really isn’t a you and me. Not like I hoped there could be.”

“You think you’re ready for something like that, but you’re not. You were just born, baby. You have to get out of the nest now. Fly.”

“Oh, Luke, I’m not a newborn. I’ve been places that I pray, by the grace of God, you never go…. When I thought about it—you’ve made many commitments, not the least of which was the army. Brothers, business partners, friends. But Art was the one that made me really sit up and take notice.”

“Art’s different, Shelby. He has nowhere else to go. And if I couldn’t take care of him, I could find him a safe place. It’s not the same, you have to know that. And the army? Aw, hell, Shelby—they had me, I didn’t have them. It’s service or AWOL.”

“Bull. Everyone gets a discharge date, unless they re-up. You were committed. And I’m proud of you for that, I’m proud of you for everything, especially for Art. If I don’t go soon, I’m afraid I’ll stay here forever without ever hearing you say the things I need to hear. And that, more than anything, will break my heart.”

He shook his head, his eyes pained, but he didn’t let go of her. “I knew in the end I’d hurt you, and I never wanted to hurt you. Shelby, I want everything for you.”

“I believe you. I absolutely do. You couldn’t have loved me the way you did if you didn’t care, if you weren’t sincere. If I’m hurt, it’s just because you’re so damn hard to give up. And I’m so damn in love with you.” A tear ran down her cheek. She pulled away from him. “Be safe, Luke. I know I’ll think about you all the time.”