Taken at Dusk (Shadow Falls #3)(68)

"And what if you can't?" Kylie watched a bee buzz past her. "What if I can't ever really forgive him?"

"Then you let go," she said.

Kylie remembered how she'd hugged her father when he'd come to see her and told her he was sorry. While it had been hard, even painful, hugging him had felt right. She wasn't ready to let go of what they'd had. It would hurt too much.

Even more than accepting the truth.

She couldn't help wondering if that was how one made the decision to forgive or not. If letting go hurt more than accepting someone's mistakes. She could only hope that in time, accepting would come easier for her.

"Are you going to e-mail and tell him to come up for Parents Day?"

"Probably. But he and Mom will have to take shifts again. I don't think they can be in the same room together. Maybe not even on the same block."

"That could change," Holiday said, and brushed an insect away.

Kylie decided to tell Holiday her fear about her mom. "I think my mom is ready to start dating."

"Yikes! I remember when my parents did that. Talk about awkward."

"Yeah. She's ready, but I'm not sure I am." Kylie bit down on her lip. "I guess down deep I was always hoping they would get back together. And I could have one thing that was like it used to be. A little bit of normal would be good, ya know?"

"Yeah, but normal is overrated, too." She grinned. "So tell me about this blue jay."

Kylie wrapped her arms around her legs tight and told her the story. Then she decided to ask the big question. "How much of my soul did I give away?"

"If you gave any of it away, it was very, very little. You won't even miss it."

"But what happens when I give it away? Do I die earlier? Am I more likely to go to hell? What's the price of a piece of my soul?"

Holiday shrugged. "Well, if you do indeed have the ability to raise the dead, the price varies. If it's ordained by the gods, then its cost to you is nothing. It even adds to your soul."

"How do you know if it's ordained?" Kylie asked.

"You'll just know. The powers that be will make it very clear."

Kylie shivered a bit at the mention of the powers that be. She hesitated to ask her next question, but as she'd told Holiday earlier, ignorance was a lousy form of protection. "And if it's not ordained?"

"Then the price is based on the quality of life that the person goes on to live. If they live a good life, the price is very low. Practically moot. If they abuse life, or the lives of others, then it can nip at your soul. Their sins, in a small way, become your sins. I'm not sure how accountable one is held for these sins, but I've heard emotionally it can leave you feeling empty. And yes, the less soul you have, the shorter the life you usually live."

Kylie frowned. "Kind of makes you not want to bring anyone back."

"Well, I'm sure it was designed that way so it gives people pause. As hard as it is, death is a part of life. But we're probably discussing this for nothing, Kylie. Just because you think you might have brought a bird back to life doesn't mean you have this gift."

Kylie wanted to believe what Holiday was saying was true, but she wasn't sure she did. "Does healing someone take a part of my soul? I mean, if bringing someone to life does, it makes sense that healing them might, too."

"Not like it does raising the dead," Holiday said. "It does drain you, though."

Kylie remembered how tired she'd felt after healing Sara and then Lucas.

"I'd like for you and Helen to work together on this," Holiday said. "Maybe even meet regularly like a species group."

Kylie raised an eyebrow and suspected she knew what Holiday was up to. "Because I don't belong to a group, right? That's why you're doing this?"

Holiday rolled her eyes. "You belong here at Shadow Falls. Just because you don't belong to a certain group doesn't mean anything."

Kylie nodded. "I like Helen."

After a few minutes of just listening to nature, she told Holiday all about the blue jay's little dog-and-pony shows. Holiday didn't have an explanation for the bird's pop-in visits, except to say that maybe the bird was only a fledgling and it sort of imprinted on her, meaning it thought Kylie was his mother.

"God, I hope not. Because I'm not chewing up worms and barfing into its mouth. I mean, I know that's what mama birds do."

Holiday laughed.

Kylie looked at her friend and counselor, and the most important question of all popped out. "Does any of this give you any clue as to what I am?"

Holiday frowned. "I wish it did."

"What if I never find out? What if I go through my life never knowing?"

"That's not likely," Holiday said. "Almost every week, we discover something else about you. Sooner or later, something is going to point you in the right direction."

Kylie looked down and watched an ant move across the porch. "I think Lucas wants me to be werewolf."

"Yes, but what Lucas wants isn't important."

Something told Kylie that Holiday understood the reason Lucas wanted this. She almost asked, but she wasn't sure she was ready to talk about it.

"You will be what you are, and whatever it is, you will be fine. Everyone has to accept that and love you for who you are; it doesn't really matter where your heritage comes from."