Taken at Dusk (Shadow Falls #3)(20)

The bolt of lightning that flashed in front of Kylie a few minutes ago had shocked her less than Derek's admission. But she was pretty damn proud of herself for not letting it show. Then again, she didn't have to let it show. He could read her, but it didn't stop her from pretending. And if she pretended long enough, she might even believe it herself.

"That's good." She forced a smile.

"I had to, Kylie. She'd run away from home and was living in some hellhole of a commune. She needed help."

"I'm glad you were there for her," she said.

"Christ, Kylie! Quit friggin' pretending like I can't read you. It's me, damn it."

"Then stop reading me." Kylie's throat knotted instantly. Tears threatened, but she held them back.

"I wish I could. It would solve all our problems. I wish to God I could stop it!" He swung an angry hand through the air.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

He shook his head. "You still don't get it, do you? Being close to you is like sticking my finger into an emotional socket. I don't know why. It wasn't like that in the beginning. I mean, I could feel you more than other people, but this last month, it increased tenfold. When I'm with you, it's like being bombarded ... attacked with emotions. I can't think straight, I can't rationalize. And if Lucas's name came up, I could feel your emotions connected to him and..."

He took another breath. "Maybe what I was feeling was even more than what you were feeling, but ... I just couldn't handle it. And it wasn't just Lucas. If you were upset at your dad, I would feel the hurt you felt and I wanted to kill the bastard. I couldn't handle it anymore."

She stepped back, hoping a few inches away from her would help him. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I did, or I tried to. You just didn't hear me. Oh, hell, I probably didn't make it clear because I didn't understand it. I still don't ... understand it. I just know that being close to you makes me crazy." He did another pass of his fingers through his hair. "I hoped when I got back it would have changed."

"But it hasn't?"

He shook his head. "No."

"Have you asked Holiday about it?" A breeze stirred her wet hair, but it brought with it the smell of sunshine, as if the storm had passed. If only the storm inside her had done the same.

"No. I don't want to..."

"Ask her for help," she finished for him. A spray of bright sunlight snuck behind a low-hanging cloud and caused her to blink.

"It's not just that. I don't want her trying to get inside my head to read my emotions. I've seen things in other people's minds that they don't want me to see. I prefer to keep mine private. It's sort of like seeing someone naked." He half smiled.

She tried to respond with a smile, but she couldn't quite do it. First, because this meant his pride was more important to him than trying to fix the problem. And second, because she couldn't help wondering how many of those naked emotions were about her and how many of them were about Ellie.

"We're really mostly just friends, now," Derek said, obviously picking up on her jealousy.

Mostly? She wondered how one defined "mostly" friends? The kiss must have happened in one of the "unmostly" moments. Then she recalled the kiss she'd shared with Lucas, and guilt ran through her for judging Derek.

She met his gaze again. "You don't have to explain it."

He studied her, and God help her, because she knew he was picking apart her emotions. Reading her jealousy, followed by her thread of guilt, and then her feelings of being unfair to him. And he was probably figuring out what had happened, too.

He frowned and stepped back as if standing too close to her caused him pain. "So you and Lucas...?"

The thread she'd tried to push back suddenly tied itself in a big knot in her chest. She searched for the right way to answer, then decided to borrow his. "Mostly friends."

Hurt flashed in his eyes, and she knew he understood exactly what she meant. Though she hadn't really said it to hurt him, she tried again. "I'm still trying to sort through things," she offered, hoping to soften the blow, because damn it, she knew exactly how he felt. Unknowingly, they had done the same thing to each other.

He nodded and met her gaze. "This is killing me."

The pain in his eyes echoed his words, and the knot in her chest tightened. The tears she vowed not to cry stung her eyes again.

"Same here." Her tonsils seemed to swell in her throat. "I should go." She stepped back.

"Wait. Aren't you supposed to have a shadow with you?"

For some reason, his question reminded her of the bolt of lightning. "Della's close by."

"And listening." He frowned.

"I told her not to."

"Right." Cynicism filled his voice.

Kylie took another step back, but the question slipped out before she could stop it. "Why did you offer to shadow me if it's so hard to be close to me?"

He scrubbed his tennis shoe on the wooden planks of the porch. "Because keeping you safe is more important than anything else." He inhaled. "But maybe Burnett's right. I'm too close to this. The fact that someone wants to hurt you makes me feel crazy." He looked down and then up again. "Besides, you have ... others who claim to feel the same way." Jealousy sounded in his voice.