Sweet Evil (The Sweet Trilogy #1)(65)

“It’s time for you to go,” he said.

“Wait.” I looked up at him. “There’s something I need to know.” I was scrambling for time, and there’d been something nagging at me this whole trip, especially after last night. “Remember at the beginning of the trip, when you said you always know right away what you’d have to do to get a girl into bed... even me?”

He shoved his hands deep into his pockets, and I saw his forearms flex. His eyes went smoky blue in that dangerous way of his, and he gave a single nod.

“What would you have to do?” I asked. “For me?”

“Let’s not go there,” he said in a low voice.

“Tell me. Please.”

He stared at my face, paying special attention to my freckle. He wet his lips and clenched his jaw.

“Fine,” he finally said. “I’d have to make you believe I loved you.”

I closed my eyes. That one hurt. Mostly because I realized deep down, I had thought he loved me. I had a very bad case of good-girl syndrome.

Had this whole trip been a game for him, then? Was I nothing more than another silly girl who’d been foolish enough to fall for him? I shook my head. I couldn’t believe that. He stared down, daring me to ask more.

“I wish, just once, that I could see your colors,” I whispered.

“Well, I’m glad you can’t. And I wish I’d never seen yours.”

He’d been right when he said the truth could hurt far worse than any lie.

With a deep breath I turned from him, picked up my bag, and walked into the airport, not looking back.

“The mind is its own place, and in itself

Can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.”

—John Milton, Paradise Lost

CHAPTER TWENTY

ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

If I didn’t know any better, I would swear Patti could see colors and read minds. Maybe it went along with the territory of motherhood. When she picked me up from the airport, she stated halfway home, “You’re in love with him.”

All I could do was nod.

“You’re hurting. I shouldn’t have let you go,” she said.

“No, I’m glad I went. I had to do it. I wouldn’t take it back. Besides, unrequited love is one of those things that all teen-agers have to go through, right?” I tried to smile.

“Unrequited?” She raised her eyebrows in dispute. “I’d say that boy has feelings for you, too. You’re probably not the only one hurting right now.”

We didn’t talk anymore on the way home, but I mulled over what she’d said.

I mapped our trip backward in my mind to imagine where Kaidan might be at any given moment. I could think of nothing else. Jay didn’t know I’d come home early, and I wasn’t ready to talk to him yet.

My hopes rose every time the phone rang, but it was never him. I concocted stories in my mind of every possible scenario where he would come for me or call me and declare his feelings. We would run far away together, where his father could never find us.

In other words, I was delusional.

So this was what girls did after being ditched by Kaidan Rowe? Now I understood all of the messages he’d received. I wondered whether each one of them had felt as special as I had under his touch. I wondered whether it was supposed to hurt less, since he dumped me for our own good. Because it didn’t.

The day I returned, I went back to work, requesting as many hours as possible.

Patti gave me a lot of space on my first day home.

The second day she tried to cheer me.

“Wanna hit up some yard sales with me?”

I shook my head.

“How about a day at the lake?”

I shook my head harder. No way.

“Okay, then. I know it’s not officially a special occasion, but what do you say to Mexican food?” Her eyes sparkled as she waggled her eyebrows.

I burst into tears.

On the third day I was determined to get myself out of this unhealthy funk, for Patti’s sake if nothing else. Self-pity was like wearing a wool jacket in the sweltering heat, and I wanted it gone. So I went for a short run first thing in the morning. It helped a little.

When I got back home, Patti saw me from where she sat on the balcony. She came into the apartment with a hint of yellow in her aura.

“Ready for your hot chocolate?” she asked.

I thought about that.

“I think I’ll have coffee instead.”

She eyed me, surprised, and then nodded.

We sat on the couch and she handed me a cup of hot coffee with sugar and cream. I sipped it. It was a little bitter, but bitter suited me.

“I know that you’re going through a dark time right now,” Patti said, rubbing my arm. “I need you to be strong. When you’re hurting and afraid is when you need to dig the deepest.”

I nodded, but I wasn’t feeling strong. I didn’t feel like the kind of person who was worthy of being entrusted with a heavenly artifact. I felt like a little girl pretending to be a coffee drinker.

She must have sensed my self-doubt, because she reached across our laps and hugged me hard enough to squeeze my head off, nearly spilling our coffees.

I ran again that afternoon. Next I read, or tried to, at least. Then I ate a ginormous bowl of rocky-road ice cream. When that was finished I listened to all the songs that used to be my favorites but somehow no longer evoked any feeling. I missed Kaidan’s playlist.