Summer Nights (Fool's Gold #8)(77)

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CHARLIE PICKED UP HER latte and took a sip. “You’re the one who called this meeting,” she said, as she set it down.

Dakota nodded in agreement. “I did and I have a reason.”

“I figured.”

Her friend’s hesitation was an indication that Charlie probably wasn’t going to enjoy the topic. Still, she liked Dakota and respected her. So she would listen. Then she would get upset.

“You talked to Pia about IVF,” she began.

“I did. She made it sound both great and awful.”

Dakota wrinkled her nose. “Aren’t there hormone shots involved? I would hate that. I’m a true baby when it comes to needles.”

“I don’t love them, either, but if it’s for a good cause, I could deal.”

Dakota drew in a breath. “I don’t want you to take this wrong. I’m saying it with love.”

“You’re avoiding saying it with love.”

“You’re right. It’s just…” She reached a hand across the small table and touched Charlie’s arm. “I think you’re doing this in the wrong order. You want to have a family and I completely respect that. And you. The decision to be a single parent isn’t an easy one. Many single parents have the situation thrust upon them. They don’t get to choose and you do.”

Which all sounded great, Charlie thought. “But?”

“But in my opinion, you’re making that choice for the wrong reason.” She met Charlie’s gaze. “What happened to you is awful. And that you were unable to get any kind of justice only makes it worse. No one should go through that. There’s no excuse for what that man did to you. You’ve suffered for a long time. Now you’re coming out of your pain and thinking about having a family. Which is great, but what you’re not dealing with are the rest of the consequences.”

Charlie didn’t want to hear any of this. She wanted to get up, toss her coffee cup into the trash and stalk out. Which would make excellent TV, but this was her life. Dakota was a friend. She was also a trained psychologist. Charlie should probably listen to her. Even if every word made her uncomfortable, like being trapped in a small, dark box.

“Go on,” she said softly.

“If you didn’t want to be with a man because you’d given relationships several tries and they weren’t for you, then fine. But you’re avoiding men because you’re afraid. Afraid of trust, afraid of intimacy, both physical and emotional. You keep people you fear at bay by intimidating them. You’re one of the strongest women I know, Charlie, and one of the weakest. To simply cut off a piece of yourself out of fear isn’t who you are.”

Charlie curled her hands into fists. She told herself to keep breathing, that she would get through this conversation and then she could smash something.

“You need to get this fixed before you bring a child into your life,” Dakota told her. “That doesn’t mean you have to have a man around. I think you’d be a great single mom. But you do have to heal the wound. Otherwise, you won’t be able to teach a baby all the lessons you need to. Being a parent is hard enough. We’re all flawed. But you want to start from the best position you can and right now you’re not there.”

Dakota’s gaze never left hers. “I want the best for you. I want you to beat this.”

“I don’t like it,” Charlie told her, fighting faint nausea and more than a little shame. “I don’t like it a lot.”

Dakota waited.

Charlie rubbed her face then nodded once. “Okay. Maybe you’re right. Maybe this is a problem. The guy thing.”

Dakota’s mouth curved into a smile. “Just maybe? Do you know how many degrees I have?”

Charlie grinned. “Yeah, yeah, book smart. I know.” Her humor faded and she leaned forward. “I don’t know how to fix it. I’m not a therapy kind of person. I’m too impatient. I don’t want to talk about my feelings.”

“There are different kinds of therapy. Not all of them require you to talk about your childhood. I could help you find a trauma specialist who would only focus on the rape itself. When it happened, no one believed you. So you not only have to process the damage done by the physical act, but also the betrayal of those you should have been able to trust.”

Charlie wasn’t in the mood to process anything. “Can I just have sex with a guy and call it a day?”

“Would that make you feel healed?”

“Since I haven’t wanted to since, then yeah. That wouldn’t hurt.” Honestly, she couldn’t imagine trusting anyone enough to do that. Nor could she picture herself wanting to.

“Then sex is a great place to start. Any candidates?”

“No. Men aren’t my thing.”

“It doesn’t have to be a man.”

Charlie stared at her. “Ah, no. I didn’t mean it that way. Given the choice, I’ll go with a man.”

Dakota looked amused. “Just checking. Because whatever works.”

“You’re incredibly weird. You know that, right.”

“I can live with my idiosyncrasies.”

“And I should learn to live with mine,” Charlie said. “I’ll admit I don’t like what you’re saying, but in my gut, it feels right. So I’ll listen.”