Suddenly You(86)

“No,” she whispered without any trace of emotion. “I don’t need anything.”

For the next three weeks, Jack was forced to grieve alone while Amanda remained in some inner retreat that no one was allowed to share. She seemed determined to isolate herself from everyone, including him. Jack was at his wit’s end to know how to reach her. Somehow the real Amanda had vanished, leaving only a vacuous shell. According to the doctor, Amanda only required more rest. However, Jack was not so certain. He feared that losing the baby was a blow from which she would never recover, that the vibrant woman he had married might never return.

In desperation, he summoned Sophia from Windsor for the weekend, despite his dislike of the disapproving shrew. Sophia did her best to console Amanda, but her presence had little effect.

“My advice is to be patient,” she told Jack upon her departure. “Amanda will recover herself eventually. I do hope that you will not exert pressure on her, or make demands that she is not ready to accommodate.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Jack muttered. In the past, Sophia had made no secret of her opinion that he was a lowbred scoundrel with all the self-control of a rutting boar. “No doubt you think I’m planning to waylay her and demand my husbandly rights as soon as you depart for Windsor.”

“No, that is not what I think.” Sophia’s lips curved into an unexpected smile. “I was referring to demands of an emotional nature, Devlin. I do not believe that even you would be so brutish as to force yourself on a woman in Amanda’s condition.”

“Thank you,” he said sardonically.

They studied each other for a moment, the smile remaining on Sophia’s face. “Perhaps I have been wrong in making such a harsh judgment of you,” she announced. “One thing has become clear to me of late…no matter what your faults, you do seem to love my sister.”

Jack met her gaze squarely. “Yes, I do.”

“Well, perhaps in time I may give my approval to the match. Certainly you are no Charles Hartley, but I suppose my sister could have married someone worse than you.”

He smiled wryly. “You’re too kind, Sophia.”

“Bring Amanda to Windsor for a visit when she is ready,” Sophia commanded, and he bowed as if in obedience to a royal edict. They shared strangely companionable smiles before a footman escorted Sophia to her waiting carriage.

Wandering upstairs, Jack found his wife at the bedroom window, watching as Sophia’s carriage rolled along the front drive. Amanda was staring at the scene outside as if transfixed, a visible pulse beating in her throat. There was an untouched supper tray on a nearby table.

“Amanda,” he murmured, willing her to look at him. For a moment her spiritless gaze held his, then dropped when he came to stand behind her. She stood and suffered his brief hug without responding. “How long will you go on like this?” he couldn’t help asking. When she did not respond, he swore softly. “If you would just talk to me, dammit—”

“What is there to say?” she replied tonelessly.

Jack turned her to face him. “If you have nothing to say, then, by God, I do! You’re not the only one who has lost something. It was my child, too.”

“I don’t want to talk,” she said, wrenching herself away from him. “Not now.”

“No more silence between us,” he insisted, following as she retreated. “We must deal with what happened, and find a way to put it behind us.”

“I don’t want to,” she choked. “I…I want to end our marriage.”

The words shocked him down to his marrow. “What?” he asked, stunned. “Why in God’s name would you say that?”

Amanda struggled to answer, but no more words were possible. Suddenly all the emotion she had battened down for the past three weeks surged upward with desperate force. Although she tried to stem the painful eruption, she could not suppress the sobs that seemed to rip the inner cavities of her chest. She crossed and uncrossed her arms around her body, over her head, trying to contain the violent spasms. She was frightened by her own lack of self-control…feeling as though her very soul would crumble to ruins. She needed something, someone, to restore her disintegrating sanity.

“Leave me alone,” she whimpered, covering her streaming eyes with her hands. She felt her husband’s gaze rake over her and she stiffened. She could not ever remember falling to pieces like this in front of anyone, having always believed that such ugly emotions should be managed in private.

Jack’s arms closed around her, cuddling her against his broad chest. “Amanda…darling…put your arms around me. There.” He was so solid, steady, his body supporting hers, the scent and feel of him as familiar as if she had known him for her entire life.

She clutched at him while words tumbled forth in wild abandon. “The only reason we married was because of the baby. Now he is gone. Nothing will ever be the same between us.”

“You’re not making sense.”

“You didn’t want the baby,” she wept. “But I did. I wanted him so much, and now I’ve lost him, and I can’t bear it.”

“I wanted him, too,” Jack said in a shaken voice. “Amanda, we’ll get through this, and someday we’ll have another.”

“No, I’m too old,” she said, and a fresh deluge of painful tears welled from inside her. “That’s why I miscarried. I waited too long. I’ll never be able to have children now—”