Suddenly You(60)

“And if I don’t?” Amanda murmured.

Sophia met her gaze directly. “Then you will be the worse off for it. It is always more difficult for those who swim against the current. I am only stating the facts, Amanda, and you know that I am right. And I tell you most emphatically, you must shape your life to fit the conventions. My advice is to end the affair at once, and apply yourself toward finding a gentleman who will be disposed to marry you.”

Amanda rubbed her aching temples. “But I love Jack,” she whispered. “I don’t want anyone else.”

Sophia regarded her sympathetically. “Believe it or not, I do understand, dear. However, you might bear in mind that men such as your Mr. Devlin are like rich desserts—enjoyable for the moment, but generally bad for the constitution. Moreover, it is no crime to marry a man whom one likes. In fact, in my opinion, it is a great deal better than marrying a man whom one loves. Friendship always lasts longer than passion.”

“What is the matter?” Jack asked quietly, stroking the curve of Amanda’s na**d back. They lay together amid a tangle of sheets, the air humid and scented like sea salt in the aftermath of their lovemaking. Jack leaned over to kiss the back of her pale shoulder. “You’ve been distracted tonight. It has something to do with your sister’s visit today. Did the two of you quarrel?”

“No, not at all. In fact, we had a nice long talk, and she dispensed a great deal of sensible advice before she departed back to Windsor.” Amanda frowned as she heard him mutter some foul words regarding her sister’s “sensible advice,” and she propped herself up on one elbow. “I could not help agreeing with many of her opinions,” she murmured, “even though I did not want to.”

His hand stilled on her back, his thumb resting lightly on the indentation of her spine. “What opinions?”

“Sophia has heard rumors about our relationship. She said that a scandal is brewing, and that I must end the affair at once or risk having my reputation destroyed.” A wan smile touched her lips. “I have a great deal to lose, Jack. If I become a ruined woman, my entire life will change. I will no longer be invited to social gatherings, and many of my friends will no longer speak to me. Most likely I will have to move to a remote place in the country, or go to live abroad.”

“I am taking the same risk,” he pointed out.

“No,” she replied with a wry smile, “you know quite well that men are never judged the same as women in these matters. I would become a pariah, whereas you would receive a mere slap on the wrist.”

“What are you saying?” Suddenly his tone was laced with baffled anger. “I’ll be damned if you’re going to end the affair a month and a half early!”

“I should never have agreed to such an arrangement.” She turned away from him with a miserable groan. “It was madness. I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

Jack pulled her back against him, his hands moving possessively over her body. “If you’re worried about scandal, I’ll find ways for us to be more discreet. I’ll buy a house in the country where we can meet without anyone’s notice—”

“It’s no use, Jack. This…this thing that has happened between us…” Amanda paused in sudden consternation, searching helplessly for the appropriate word. Finding none, she sighed impatiently at her own lack of nerve. “It cannot continue.”

“A few words from your straitlaced older sister, and you’re ready to end our relationship?” he asked incredulously.

“Sophia confirmed my own feelings. I’ve known since the beginning that this was wrong, and yet I haven’t been able to face that fact until now. Please don’t make things difficult.”

He swore savagely and pressed her onto her back, his powerful body looming over hers. His face was set, but Amanda could practically see the rapid calculation of his thoughts. When he spoke, his voice was carefully controlled. “Amanda, I’m not going to lose you. You and I both know that our three-month agreement was just a game. The affair was never going to be limited to such a short time. From the beginning, I understood the risk of scandal, and I decided that I would protect you from any and all consequences of our relationship. You have my word on that. Now, let’s be done with this nonsense and continue as we have been.”

“How could you possibly protect me from scandal?” Amanda asked, bewildered. “Are you saying that you would marry me to save my ruined reputation?”

He met her gaze without blinking. “If necessary.”

But the unwillingness in his eyes was easy to read, and Amanda understood how unpleasant a duty it would be for him to marry anyone. “No,” she murmured. “You have no desire to be a husband or father. I would not ask that of you…or of myself. I deserve better than to be regarded as a millstone around your neck.”

The words seemed to hang suspended in the air. Amanda felt both resigned and wretched as she watched Jack’s set face. He had never pretended to want more of her than a mere affair. She could hardly blame him for his feelings. “Jack,” she said unsteadily. “I will always think of you with…with fondness. I hope that we may even continue to work together. I very much want the relationship between us to remain friendly.”

He looked at her in a way he never had before, his mouth twisting at one corner, his eyes gleaming with something akin to outrage. “So friendship is what you want,” he said softly. “And fondness is all you feel for me.”