Starting Now (Blossom Street #9)(105)

Here she was weeks away from achieving her goal and she was utterly miserable. She’d earned the position of partner, or she would very soon. She had it in the palm of her hand.

It meant nothing.

She felt nothing … nothing at all.

Not elation.

Not joy.

Not pride.

That hole inside of her should be filled up, overflowing. It wasn’t. She’d worked and stretched and searched and sacrificed for nothing.

Because she’d dealt poorly with the failed adoption, Libby had let Ava down. Phillip was right; seeing the teenager reminded her of Amy Jo, of loss. It was more than the failed adoption. It was every loss Libby had suffered throughout the years: her mother, her marriage, her job. One loss after another until they became an insurmountable pile that overwhelmed her every time she was forced to confront it. She’d let that pile come between her and Phillip, between her and their future together.

No matter what happened from this point forward Libby was determined to stay in touch with Ava. She might not have control over much else, but this she could and would do. Because Libby knew what it was like to be without a mother, she could help the young teen navigate through the twisting, turning road of adolescence. She would be Ava’s mentor. For years Libby had thought of herself as motherless. It suddenly struck her that that wasn’t true.

Libby had a mother, a wonderful, loving, supportive, encouraging mother. She just wasn’t here any longer. Molly was gone but she would always be with Libby, in the same way that Ava’s mother would always be with her.

Darlene Carmichael loved her granddaughter, but much like Libby’s father, she was caught up in her own grief. The older woman did the best she could with what she had, but that wasn’t enough for Ava. Darlene didn’t understand the emotional needs of her granddaughter in the same way that Libby’s father hadn’t understood hers. Libby was determined to provide all the encouragement and support Ava needed. No one had been there for Libby, but she would stand by Ava because she knew far too well what it was like to feel alone, isolated, and afraid.

Ava wasn’t the only person Libby had abandoned since going back to the firm. She hadn’t chatted with Lydia in weeks. The first time she’d seen Abby Higginbotham since Scott’s birthday party had been when she’d gone in search of Phillip. Because she was distraught, Libby hadn’t exchanged more than a couple of sentences with the woman she’d once considered a good friend.

Sunday morning Libby climbed out of bed after a restless night. She had tossed and turned for hours. As she sat on the edge of her mattress, feet on the ground, she realized she had a huge decision to make. She could either move forward and take positive action, or spend the rest of her life a failure in every way that mattered.

Unsure of what to do first, she dressed and decided to attend church. Worship services were held just down the street from her condo. Libby wasn’t sure which denomination it was, but she wasn’t overly concerned. After losing Amy Jo she’d sat in the hospital chapel and ignored God, reaching out instead to her mother. Now she was willing to admit she needed God. Wanted Him in her life, guiding her.

The organ music greeted her as she ascended the church steps. She sat in the back pew and reached for the hymnal, hoping no one would notice her. Coming into the worship services her spirits were low, but gradually, as she bowed her head in prayer, a sense of peace came over her. It seemed as if God had been waiting for her to turn to Him all along. It’d taken these hits, these gigantic losses, for her to realize what she needed and how best to proceed with life.

Libby returned to her condo and sat down at her desk. She turned on her computer, and as she did so she noticed the withered plant sitting on the corner of her desk. The very plant she’d nursed back to health during her months of unemployment.

“You poor, neglected thing,” she whispered. Picking it up, she carried it into her kitchen, set it on a plate, and watered and fed it plant food. Then she set it in the sun, determined to love it back to health … if it wasn’t too late.

Chapter 40

Sunday afternoon, Libby typed out her letter of resignation to Burkhart, Smith & Crandall. How shocked Hershel would be. Actually, she was pretty shaken herself. It might be too late for her and Phillip, although she prayed it wasn’t. This was something she needed to do for herself … for her future.

As soon as she was finished, she signed the letter and placed it inside an envelope, then contacted Robin.

“You want to go shopping and to a movie?”

“Libby, is that you?” Robin repeated as if hearing a voice from the grave. “You aren’t working? I thought you worked twenty-four/seven these days.”

“Not anymore.”

“Starting when?” Robin asked with a skeptical lilt to her tone.

“Starting today. Now, about that movie: I am absolutely craving buttered popcorn.”

“Ah …” It seemed Robin was at a complete loss for words. “Sure, I guess.”

“Great. I’ll pick you up in thirty minutes.”

The two spent a glorious afternoon together and then later Libby stopped by Ava’s house and the two went out to dinner.

“I want to be a singer,” Ava confessed over taco salads. “I think I’m good. There are auditions at school for a musical and I was thinking I should try out. What do you think?” she asked Libby shyly, her gaze focused on her food.