Somewhere I'll Find You (Capital Theatre #1)(58)

Julia managed a wan smile in return. “Neither am I.” Looking down at her costume, she toyed with a fold of her skirts. “The play was going splendidly tonight before the fire broke out. I'm certain it would have been well-reviewed.”

“We'll take it to Bath next week.”

“So soon?” Julia asked, raising her brows in astonishment. “But the backcloth and set pieces that were destroyed—”

“I'll have Fiske and the others improvise something. They can alter the sea-and-shore pieces we saved from The Merchant of Venice, and some of the cloths we used in other productions.” He rubbed the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. “The fact is, we can't afford to delay our touring.”

“Perhaps some benefit shows will raise extra funds to repair the theater,” Julia suggested.

“I'll worry about the money. In the meantime…” He stared at her steadily. “Why are you here, Jessica?”

She sipped furtively at her whiskey. “I…need your guidance.”

Logan waited for her to continue, exhibiting a patience that was unusual for him.

Julia inhaled and let out a long breath. “I'm having personal problems,” she blurted out.

“I already guessed that. Go on.”

“I'm not behaving at all like myself, I'm making choices that I know are wrong, and yet I can't seem to help myself. I'm afraid my work will suffer, but most of all I'm afraid of what I might do next—”

“Wait,” Logan murmured, sorting through the babbling statements. “This has something to do with a man, I surmise. Is it Lord Savage by chance?”

“Yes.”

“Of course.” Sardonic amusement glinted in his eyes. “He's turned your life inside-out…and now you think you're beginning to fall in love with him.”

Julia disliked the way he put it, as if her feelings were merely a cliché and her distress unwarranted. Logan didn't understand the huge, cold knot in her chest, the loneliness that was driving her toward disaster. But she considered his statement seriously. The things she felt for Damon, the powerful physical attraction, the yearning for his company, the sense that they understood each other…A deep tremor went through her as she forced herself to face the truth. Yes, she was in love with Damon. Her eyes prickled with tears, and she hastily downed more of the whiskey until her throat stung.

“It's not something I want to feel,” she said, coughing slightly.

“Of course not.” Logan ruffled his mahogany hair and tugged absently at a gleaming forelock. “Have you slept with him?”

“That's none of your business!”

“You have,” he said dispassionately, reading the answer in her affronted expression. “That explains a great deal. You're not the kind to give your favors easily. No doubt you have trouble distinguishing love from passion—and that's dangerous. Never indulge in an affair unless you're in complete control of it. If Savage seems to be more than you can manage, break it off with him. No matter how painful it seems at the time, it's the only wise choice.”

“It's not that easy,” Julia said.

“Why not?”

“Because…I happen to be married to him.”

Were she not so miserable, Julia would have enjoyed the sudden blankness of her employer's face. She hadn't expected that Logan, so worldly-wise and sophisticated, would have been quite so shocked by her revelation.

Choking on his drink, Logan required a moment to recover himself. “For how long?” he asked dazedly.

“Eighteen years.”

Any attempt at self-possession was drowned in a fresh tide of bewilderment. “Jessica, you're not making sense—”

“We were married as children.”

Looking fascinated and appalled, Logan set his drink aside. “Go on,” he said softly.

Words came tumbling out as she told him about her past and the marriage that had burdened her for so long. She felt his unblinking gaze on her as she spoke, but she couldn't bring herself to look at him. It felt odd to be confessing the truth after two years of keeping her secret, but relief unfurled inside her as she confessed everything, leaving out only the part about Lady Ashton's pregnancy. For some reason that seemed too personal to tell him, leaving both her and Damon open to mockery.

At the end of Julia's monologue, Logan appeared to have composed himself somewhat. “Now that you've revealed all this, what do you want from me?”

“I suppose I want someone to tell me what to do. And don't say that I must make these decisions by myself, because I don't seem to be able—”

“Does Savage want to make a go of the marriage?”

“I'm not certain,” Julia said cautiously. “I think…perhaps he might.”

“I'll tell you my opinion. It's no good, Jessica…Julia. If you stay with him, you won't want to make the sacrifices he'll ask of you.”

“I know,” she whispered sadly.

“Moreover, I don't believe in love. At least not in the grand, passionate emotion we create for people on stage. That's an illusion, one that never lasts People are intrinsically selfish. When they're in love, they make false promises to each other in order to get what they want. And after the love fades or is destroyed, all that is left are lies and disillusionment…and memories that keep you awake at night.”