Soaring (Magdalene #2)(29)

I was right.

I had to grow up, get up, and go to the door.

I thought moving to Maine was the first step to the new me.

It wasn’t.

Walking to the door to face Mickey was.

Shit.

As hard as it was, I uncurled, got off the couch, headed to the door and I did this swiftly. Not because I wanted to get to the door. Not because I was smart enough to go fast in order to get something unpleasant, harrowing and utterly mortifying over and done with as quickly as possible.

Because I didn’t want to leave Mickey waiting.

I allowed myself slight relief that I’d at least had a shower and changed clothes that day before I unlocked and opened the door.

I lifted my eyes and put every effort into not wincing when I caught his.

Then I said, “Hey.”

“Hey, Amy,” he replied gently.

“I’m sorry,” I said quickly. “I’m sorry you had to come over here and I wasn’t big enough to go to you and apologize. I’m even sorrier I did what I did. I was half-asleep but that’s no excuse. You shouldn’t have anyone touching you who you don’t want touching you. I don’t know what came over me. But I do know, and want you to know, I’m really so very sorry.”

“It isn’t that, darlin’,” he said quietly. “You’re very…”

He trailed off but kept his eyes pinned to mine and I knew in that instant he did it so they wouldn’t wander. They wouldn’t become assessing.

But his next word and the hesitation said everything.

And it destroyed me.

“Attractive.”

I fought back another wince.

“It’s just that you don’t shit where you live,” he went on. “And, babe, you live right across the street and we both got kids.”

That was a lie. A kind one. But it was a total lie.

He didn’t want me, plain and simple.

I was just his…“attractive” neighbor.

I gave him that because he needed to give it to me and I needed to let him.

“You’re right,” I agreed.

“You’re a good woman, Amelia.”

God, that was completely lame.

But worse, I wasn’t even that.

“I…I’m…” I shook my head. “I can’t say how sorry I am. You’re a good neighbor. You’re a good guy. You’ve been so very kind to me. And you’ve got great kids. Can we,” I shrugged, hoping it was nonchalantly, “forget this even happened?”

That’s when the grin came but it killed that it wasn’t easy.

“Absolutely.”

I swallowed before I nodded and said, “Thanks, Mickey.” I drew in a breath and let it out finishing, “And again, I’m really sorry.”

“Nothin’ to apologize for. It didn’t happen.”

A good man. A kind man.

A man with great kids, all of whom I’d now go out of my way to see extremely rarely.

It was wave from the car or haul my behind into the house if I had the bad fortune to be out when they were out time.

“Right,” I said, injecting a firm thread in my voice. “I’d ask you in for a glass of wine but I don’t have glasses and I’m kinda in the middle of something.”

His grin got easier. “I’d say I appreciate the offer but I don’t drink wine and I also got shit to do.”

He was lying.

Then again, so was I.

It was over.

This should have caused me relief but instead, it dug deep then curled out long tentacles, the tips spreading acid through every part of me.

“Okay.” I started to close the door. “See you around, Mickey.”

“Hope so.”

That was a lie too.

I pushed my lips up into a smile.

He held his grin as he lifted a hand and turned away.

I didn’t wait politely to close and lock the door, I did it immediately.

I turned back to the room. The recessed overhead lights were on, dimmed, but I’d normally never turn on overhead lights. I’d use lamps.

Except I didn’t have any.

My feet wanted to take me to my bedroom, the bathroom there, the mirror there.

I didn’t let them.

I walked to the kitchen and I did this thinking, f*ck it.

So when I got to the kitchen, I opened a bottle of wine and poured a healthy portion into a plastic cup.

I took it out to my deck. Since moving in, I’d been out there, not much. When I got to the railing and stopped, I felt the chill coming off the sea and I liked it.

I needed deck furniture.

I needed a to-do list.

I needed a to-do list with a variety of headings, this likely ending up the length of Santa’s gift list.

But first, I needed to make a decision.

Stay this low and allow myself to sink lower.

Or get my head out of my ass and pull myself together.

I’d come out to Maine to do the latter, and within a few weeks, ended up kissing my handsome, good guy neighbor, in one fell swoop killing a promising relationship of friendship and camaraderie and turning it into an awkward relationship of avoidance and unease.

I needed to talk this out and to do it, I wanted to call Robin. I wanted to tell her all that had happened and listen to her saying the things she always said to me. How sweet I was. How smart I was. How beautiful I was. How I deserved good things in my life. How I deserved to be treated properly. How I deserved to be cherished and protected and respected.