Sing (Songs of Submission #7)(29)

I didn’t want to repeat anything. I wanted to take my guts and spill them onto the sheets. I wanted to take my heart out and put it into his chest. If there was ever a time to hold anything back, it wasn’t then.

“Jonathan Drazen,” I said, squeezing his hand. “You’re a manipulative bastard, a brazen liar, and a sadist. You’ve brought me to my knees. You’ve dominated me. You’ve told me who I am and then challenged me to be it. If you made me strong enough to stand up to the world, let me stand by you. If you completed the woman I am, let me be that woman in your honor. Every part in my body is dedicated to you. Every note I sing. Every breath in my lungs. My pleasure and pain. Take me. Let me serve you. Let me be yours.”

He put my hand to his cheek. I was going to have to kiss him before I was told, though it seemed like it took Sona forever. When I looked from Jonathan to her, she was holding her phone.

“Sorry,” she said, pocketing it, her good mood gone. “Gotta go do a last rites.” She cleared her throat and held her hand up. "You have declared your consent before the Church. May the Lord in his goodness strengthen your consent and fill you both with his blessings. What God has joined, let no one tear asunder. I now pronounce you husband and wife.”

Irene and Gregory clapped a little, but I didn’t pay attention to how wan they sounded, because I was kissing my husband.

CHAPTER 28.

MONICA

Sona and the staff had cleared out. Darren hugged and congratulated me, fist-bumped Jonathan, promising him a wild night of beer-slinging and bar-hopping in Silver Lake. He kissed me on the cheek and left, promising he’d call.

Irene had warned me clearly, while ignoring Jonathan, that there was to be nothing going on behind the closed door that might bring a heart rate up. But, just in case I didn’t know, he was being monitored from the nurse’s station. So no quote, funny business, unquote.

We laughed when the door closed. I wanted to lie on top of him, press my thighs to his, and tuck my head into the crook of his neck, but that was impossible. I leaned over, sitting in the adjacent chair, and kissed his cheek.

“Do you regret it?” I said.

“I feel relieved.”

“I’m glad.”

“I wish I could give you a wedding night. Throw you over my shoulder, dress and all, and carry you over the threshold. We wouldn’t even make it up the stairs.”

I made a satisfied purr. “I can just imagine it. Who’s house?

“Our house.”

“Is there a porch?”

“More than one, and I’ll have you on all of them, regularly. Breakfast in the back. Lunch on the side, and after dinner, we’ll drink wine on the front porch and I’ll make love to you in the night air.”

“Can I still call you sir?”

“I expect no less.”

“Thank you, sir.” I kissed his hand, letting my lips linger on his skin.

“And here we are,” he said, “married, and we never even talked about children.”

“Can we pretend we had them?”

“Four,” he said with a slight smile.

“Don’t be greedy.”

“Three. Can we settle on three?”

I should have agreed to ten children, because there were going to be exactly none. There was going to be no house, no porches, no family.

“Can I admit something to you, my beautiful wife?”

“Yes.”

“I’m scared.”

I squeezed his hand and laid my head next to him. That was when the machine’s beeping was replaced with a high, constant whine.

CHAPTER 29.

MONICA

I stood in the hall, staring at his door.

They’d just done CPR. Changed the tube. Pumped more drugs into him. Assured me there wasn’t a spare heart with his blood type anywhere but Paulie Patalano’s chest.

What the hell were we made of? Sausage casings and prime cuts to be wrapped up and swapped out as needed. I felt ill. The twisting in my gut told me to run into the bathroom and bend over the toilet. But nothing came, because I hadn’t eaten in Lord knew how long. When I returned, panicking , he was alive, stable and unconscious.

All the wrong things seemed definite and secure. I knew he loved me. I knew he was right in my life. But the very life that fit mine so perfectly, was going to end. Soon. Tomorrow. The next day. Didn’t matter. Too soon. And the house of our love would crumble under a cracked foundation.

I found myself outside Dr. Thorensen’s office. He’d have answers, or at least different questions.

“You’re here,” I said.

He was in the dark again, shades drawn, screens flashing. “Come in. Wanna play?”

“I can’t believe you get away with this.”

“I’m waiting to hear about something.”

“Jonathan?”

“Sit.”

“Is there a heart somewhere?”

He sighed. “I’m getting him put on the emergency list. I’m pretty sure it’ll go through in an hour, but I don’t want to leave until I see it. Come on. Sit. Your avatar’s on the cloud. We can start you from the beginning.”

I hesitated. He patted the seat of the couch behind him. “Come.”

“Fine.”

I sat, kicking off my shoes and tucking my feet under me. He rolled his chair back until the back of it pressed against the couch, where it was already indented from hours of play.