Seaside Avenue (Cedar Cove #7)(80)

“Did I hear you on the phone?” she asked.

Jack couldn’t lie. He’d rather she not know he’d called his sponsor, but he wasn’t going to lie about it. “Bob’s coming by. I thought I’d talk to him for a few minutes. You don’t mind, do you?”

“No, no, go ahead.” She’d spent part of the evening with Grace and seemed fortified and optimistic afterward.

At the moment Jack could use a dose of that optimism. “I’ll probably be a couple of hours,” he said.

“Can I turn out the light, then?”

“By all means. You need to sleep.”

Olivia gave him a tentative smile. “We’ll get through this, Jack. I promise.”

He should be the one reassuring her, and he hated himself for being so weak. “Of course we will.”

Jack walked over to her bedside, bent down and kissed her, then switched off the lamp. Fearing she might overhear the conversation between him and Bob, he closed the bedroom door.

Halfway down the hallway, he stopped and leaned against the wall, covering his face with both hands, remembering. Remembering. Eric, his son, had leukemia as a kid. That was what had driven Jack to alcohol in the first place. That helplessness, that total dependence on others to care for his son, that inability to alleviate his suffering…Jack had barely made it then, and he wasn’t sure he’d make it this time. Eric had gone into long-term remission, but Jack didn’t know if he could watch someone else he loved endure all the pain and uncertainty. All the grief and fear.

He just couldn’t do it. He just might have to.

Instead of using the doorbell, Bob knocked quietly at the front door. Jack hurried to let him in. When he saw his friend, it was all he could do not to break down. His weakness shamed and humiliated him.

“I’ve been repeating the Serenity Prayer for the last hour,” Jack told him. “I think I’d be face-first in a bottle if I hadn’t.”

Bob nodded, and Jack was grateful that he understood. “You haven’t had a drink?” Bob asked.

“By the grace of God, no.” He was one sip away from a complete mental and physical breakdown. He couldn’t explain why alcohol tempted him when he knew what it did to him. Still, the pull was as powerful as an undertow, and Jack could feel himself being swept away with the need.

He was hanging on by a thread and that thread was Bob.

“Sit down and tell me what’s happened.” Bob led him to the sofa.

Jack slumped down, burying his face in his hands.

Bob pulled the ottoman closer and sat on it.

“Olivia went in for a routine mammogram,” Jack began, his voice faltering slightly.

“Cancer?” Bob asked.

“We don’t know yet. Not for sure. The Women’s Clinic called her back for a second test, a more extensive one, and then for an ultrasound.”

“You’ve seen the doctor?”

Jack nodded. “We went this morning. He has to do a biopsy.”

Bob exhaled loudly. “You’re afraid.”

Jack nodded again. “I don’t think I truly realized how much I love Olivia until this morning.”

To his surprise, Bob smiled. “Olivia said almost those same words to me when you had your heart attack.”

Now that their situations were, in effect, reversed, he could appreciate how hard it had been on his wife. The problem was, love opened you up to that kind of pain. He’d never expected to fall in love again when he moved to Cedar Cove. Even less had he expected to find someone who loved him.

He’d been attracted to Olivia right away. Sitting in her courtroom and watching her deny a divorce—that got his attention. Most family court judges were jaded by the day-in-and-day-out bitterness of marriages gone bad. Not Olivia. She’d seen that the young couple was still in love and she’d intervened. Her compassion had stirred him. Her toughness had impressed him.

Jack knew that if Olivia hadn’t denied that divorce, the couple would have gone their separate ways and carried around that pain for the rest of their lives. She’d forced them to deal with the grief of losing their child, forced them to resolve their differences.

Without knowing it, Jack had fallen in love with her that very morning. In fact, he’d written an entire column in the Cedar Cove Chronicle about her unusual stand. His attention had embarrassed her but she’d eventually forgiven him.

When they got married, Jack felt as though his life had begun again. He was crazy about her, although their relationship had never been easy. They were about as different as two people could get.

“Jack?”

Startled, Jack glanced up to see Bob staring at him. “You won’t know for sure if it’s cancer until they do the biopsy, right?”

His heart pounded against his ribs. “It’s scheduled for this week.”

“You want a drink now?”

“Yes,” he said hoarsely. “A strong drink. Strong enough to take away this ache.” Preferably hard alcohol, Scotch or brandy, something that would melt his teeth.

“A drink’s going to help?” Bob asked.

They both knew the answer to that. “No. But that doesn’t make me want one any less.”

Bob cocked his eyebrow. “One?”

Jack didn’t have to be told that one drink, even one sip, was a fantasy. For alcoholics like Bob and him, it never ended there. Jack had sat through enough meetings to know that. Lived it long enough to recognize the truth when he heard it. This was the lie so many alcoholics tried to believe: that they were strong enough to have one drink, just one, and then walk away. But that wasn’t how it worked for people like him.