Scandalous Desires (Maiden Lane #3)(89)

He looked at her sharply. There seemed to be some subtext of this conversation that he was missing. “Ye can live here wi’ little Mary Darlin’ and do as ye wish with yer days. I’ll buy ye a carriage and there’s the garden to tend.”

“How kind.”

His mouth tightened. Pushing. She was always pushing him. From this afternoon’s argument over Bran to this now. He’d already let her in, already offered her his house and himself. “What more do ye want? It’s more than yer husband provided for ye, ye must admit.”

“Yes,” she said coolly, “but William married me.”

His head reared back as if she’d struck him in the face. He started to say something more, but Mrs. Bittner and the maids entered at that moment with their dinner.

He waited until the servants left, thinking hard on his reply.

When the door at last shut, he said, “I do not wish to quarrel wi’ ye on the memory o’ yer husband. I know he meant much to ye.”

She nodded. “Thank you.”

“If ye wish for somethin’ more from me,” he said carefully, “books or clothin’ or even a lady’s maid, ye have but to ask. I’ll fulfill yer every wish to the best o’ me ability.”

There was no mistaking the sadness in her eyes now. “Yes, I know that, Michael.”

“Ye’ll be the mistress o’ Windward House. I’ll place it in yer hands to do wi’ as ye like.” He felt a rising panic, a desperation that he’d never encountered before. “I’ll come to see ye as often as I’m able, perhaps three or four days o’ the week.”

She set her fork down very carefully. “You do not intend to live here permanently?”

“Ye know that’s impossible.” His jaw flexed. “Me business is in the city.”

“You mean the business of pirating.”

He stared, confused and angry. “Yes.”

“You will continue to rob people for your living,” she said. Her face was so still it might’ve been made from carved marble, but her sweet hazel eyes seemed to burn.

Burn like his mam’s. He couldn’t give her what she needed. Couldn’t prove himself worthy.

He lifted his head proudly. He’d not simper and whine for something she wouldn’t give. “Aye, I’m a pirate. I’ve never hidden the fact.”

“No, you’ve never hidden your sins, have you, Michael?” Her lips were thinned, her face strained. “I had hoped, though, that now with Mary Darling and myself in your life, you might consider retiring. For us. For me.”

“Haven’t I changed enough for ye?” He laughed, short and hard. “Where d’ye think the money comes from to pay for this house, the food we eat, the clothes upon yer back? From piratin’!”

“But I don’t need your money, Michael.” She shrugged and looked around his fine dining room. “It’s very nice, but it’s not necessary.”

“Me riches might not be necessary for ye, but ’tis for me,” he said impatiently. “I’ve lived in the gutter, mind, and I won’t go back there, not even for ye.”

“But there’s no threat that you’ll go back to the gutter,” she said and finally her voice rose. “I’ve seen your throne room. You could live like a king off the treasures in there. You could live off your shipbuilding business.”

“No,” he was already shaking his head, the specter of his starving childhood flapping tattered wings before his eyes. Even with his shipbuilding business there was not enough money. There was never enough money. “No, ye don’t understand. Ye can’t understand. The money—me piratin’—is all that I am. ’Tis me power. I can’t simply give it up.”

“Why not? Your pirating is based on robbing people like my husband!” she shouted, rising from the table. “Have you any idea the suffering you inflict on innocents?”

He laughed. “Most are far from innocent, no matter your pretty illusions.”

She braced her arms on the table, leaning over it toward him. “William was innocent, I was innocent. William would’ve gone to prison had I not come to you. Don’t pretend that what you do is without victims, for I know otherwise. You hurt us, Michael, hurt us badly. I cannot live with a man who chooses to inflict harm on others for his business.”

He stared at her, so passionate, so angry. He wanted to bend her over the table and settle this argument in the most basic way a man can with a woman.

Instead he inhaled. “I’m sorry.”

She bowed her head as if to steady her emotions.

“What d’ye want me to do?” he asked, controlling his voice with difficulty.

Her head rose and she looked him in the eye, his brave Silence. “Become the man I know you can be. Be a father to Mary. Be a husband to me.”

“Ye’ll cut me bollocks off, will ye?” he asked softly. “Make me half a man, bent to your will? Have me sippin’ tea with me pinky in the air?”

“No,” she said, shaking her head slowly. “I don’t care if you ever drink tea, pinky or not. I want you to do something far simpler. Far easier. Just stop. Please, please stop pirating, Michael. For me. We could live here together. Be married and have a family. Don’t you see? Everything is within our grasp. All you have to do is choose. Choose me.”