Rush (Breathless #1)(91)

The towel slipped as he reached into his suitcase for his underwear, and she got a prime view of his ass and when he turned, his cock, impressive even at complete rest.

She averted her gaze, feeling guilty that she was so unapologetically eating him with her eyes. She didn’t want to get distracted.

When he came to the bed, she caught her breath and plunged forward. If she didn’t get it out there, she’d never say all the things she needed to get off her chest. It was better to just say it, no matter how inelegant her wording.

“I hated last night,” she said bluntly, her words soft and trembling.

He closed his eyes briefly, pausing in his descent into bed. He perched instead on the edge, keeping a short distance between the two of them.

“I know,” he said quietly.

She continued, knowing she still had more to say—more that she needed to say.

“I hated him touching me. I know what I agreed to, Gabe. I know I signed a contract. And I know I said I wasn’t entirely opposed to the idea, or at least experimenting. But I don’t want anyone else but you touching me. I felt violated. I felt dirty. And I don’t want to ever feel that way about my relationship with you.”

“Oh God, baby, no,” he whispered.

His expression was stricken and his eyes wounded.

And still she continued, unwilling to let him speak yet.

“I don’t give a damn what the contract says,” she said hoarsely. “I hate that thing right now. The only man I want even looking at me is you. Not someone you decide to let borrow your plaything.”

A strangled noise erupted from his throat but she held up her hand, determined to say her piece. God, she couldn’t let him interrupt now or she’d never have the courage to say all she had to say.

“I won’t do it again.” She shook her head adamantly to reinforce her point. So he would know how serious she was. “I know I agreed to allow it, but I don’t want it. I’ll never want it. I hated every minute of it. If it ever happens again, I’m done. I’ll walk away and I won’t ever be back.”

As if he couldn’t hold back a minute longer, he reached for her, hauling her into his arms and against his chest. He held her so tightly that she couldn’t breathe.

“I’m sorry, Mia. I’m so damn sorry. It will never happen again. Ever. No one will ever touch you. God, I hated every goddamn minute of it. I was going to put a stop to it but then I heard you cry out. Heard the fear in your voice and you saying no. And I swore to you that it was the only word you’d ever need to say for me or anyone else to stop. And then that son of a bitch hit you before I could get to you. Sweet mother of God, I’ll never forgive myself for that, Mia. Never. For that fear, for that bastard making you do things you didn’t want.”

He shook against her. His hands rubbed up and down her back in agitation. He pulled her head away and palmed her face, staring intently into her eyes.

“I’m so sorry, baby. I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for what I did. I hated it. Hated it, Mia.”

“Then why did you do it?”

His gaze dropped and he looked away, his hands sliding from her face. He closed his eyes, disgust simmering in his features. “Because I’m a goddamn coward.”

His voice was so low she almost didn’t hear what he said, and even so she wasn’t sure he said what she thought he said. What did it mean?

Then he reached for her hand, squeezing tightly. He brought it up to his mouth and pressed a kiss to the inside of her palm.

“Know this, Mia. It will never happen again. I’m asking you to forgive the unforgivable. Yes, you signed an agreement, but it wasn’t what you wanted. Not last night. Not any night. And I think I knew that even before. I knew it and I still gave that bastard permission to touch you, and I hate myself for that. It’s my responsibility to know your wants and desires and place them above my own. I didn’t do that last night.”

It didn’t make sense to her why he’d done it at all. It had come out of the blue. Even though they’d discussed the possibility, she hadn’t ever gotten the idea that he was going to actually do it.

She had to wonder what was going on in his mind when he’d invited those men back to the suite. He’d been moody and brooding since before they’d left New York City. Did that have anything to do with his decision? Was he trying to make some point she didn’t understand? Or did it have nothing to do with her at all?

“I’m sorry, baby.” His voice dropped even lower, so much regret seeping into his words. “Please forgive me. Please say you’ll stay and not walk out. It’s what you should do, absolutely. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve your sweetness or your understanding. But I want it. God help me but I’m not sure I can live without it.”

It was the closest he’d ever come to admitting she meant more to him than sex.

She leaned forward, pushing up to her knees, her hands going to his face.

“You don’t have to live without it—or me,” she whispered. “I’m here, Gabe. I’m not going anywhere. But it has to be just us. You and me. No other men.” She could barely contain the shudder that threatened to roll up her spine.

His eyes ignited with relief. Then he crushed her to him, holding on, hugging her tightly. He kissed her temple, her head, every part of her hair, almost as if he could do nothing else but touch her in some way. “Just us,” he whispered against her ear. “I swear it.”