Rock Chick Reckoning (Rock Chick #6)(15)

“I’l spil ,” I suddenly announced.

Everyone’s eyes turned to me and, deciding to get it over with quickly and get them off my back, I started talking.

“It isn’t that interesting. Mace and I met, he asked me out, I went and we connected. It went fast, got intense quickly. It was good. No, it was great. Then he broke up with me. The end.”

Everyone’s eyes turned to everyone else.

Then Al y said, “Give me a break.”

“No, real y. That’s it, in a nutshel ,” I told her and it was.

“Why did he break up with you if it was great?” Roxie asked.

“I used him up,” I explained.

“What?” Jet asked.

“I used him up. I needed him too much. Took too much and didn’t give enough.”

“These boys have got a lot to give,” Daisy replied, sounding confused.

“Yes, I know and he did give a lot and I took al he gave.

The band always cal ing and me…” I stopped, looked back out the window and started again, “He had a job, he was always working something for Lee then he’d come to me, someone would cal and he’d be out again, doing something for Pong or Buzz or Linnie or whoever. I’d stay home while Mace took care of my business. I was so tired of it.”

My gaze swung back to the gang and I continued.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love my band but sometimes, wel , let’s just say I needed a break. Mace gave it to me.

We were together for five months. He always took the cal s, dealt with the crises. I slept. I never said, ‘You sleep, I’l deal with it.’”

”Or, better yet, tel your band to sort it out their damn self,” Daisy cut in.

“They can’t,” I told Daisy.

“They won’t if someone keeps doing it for them,” Indy told me, making it sound simple.

I closed my mouth and looked out the window again. She didn’t get it. I was the leader of a moderately successful local band. The leader of the band did what they could to keep the band together. It was an Unwritten Rock Band Law. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn’t. But if a band was good, especial y as good as The Gypsies, you did al you could to make it work before you ever considered cal ing it quits.

“Seems to me that was something you could talk about, work on,” Ava suggested.

“It wasn’t just that. It was more,” I told Ava.

“More?” Roxie asked.

“Me,” I replied then sighed and went on. “It was me.

Effing me.”

“What about you?” Stevie asked.

I saw Jet’s back go straight, she’d caught sight of something but I wasn’t paying attention. I’d started and now I couldn’t stop and I was noticing it felt kind of good to get it out, let it go. I was thinking maybe I should have done this ages ago.

Therefore, I kept right on talking.

“My Mom had trouble getting pregnant. When she did, my Dad was over the moon. Total y psyched. He wanted a boy so bad. I know this because he told me, like, every day of my life. Mom never got pregnant again and Dad never got over not having a son. No matter what I did, how hard I worked to gain his approval, his respect, to earn anything, even a little thing that was good from him; I’d never be a boy. Dad was disappointed in me from the minute I opened my mouth, took my first breath and screamed.”

“Stel a –” Jet broke in but I ignored her, I was on a rol .

“It wasn’t abuse, he didn’t hit me, he just said shit to me.

Made me feel like dirt. Made me know I wasn’t wanted. I don’t know how to describe it, it just wasn’t nice. What it was, was constant. ”

I pul ed my hands through the sides of my long hair, held it’s heaviness at the back of my head and looked back out the window.

“Mom left me to him, made it easier for her, kept her out of his sights. He’d turn it on her, make no mistake, and she didn’t want it. So she let me take it.”

“That’s awful,” Ava whispered.

I dropped my hands but kept my gaze at the window.

I dropped my hands but kept my gaze at the window.

“Maybe, yeah. But I didn’t blame her. Stil don’t. It could get rough. Who’d want that?”

“A mother should protect her child!” Daisy burst out.

I turned my face from the window and smiled at Daisy.

“Wel , my Mom didn’t. I’m not whining. I used to get pissed off about it but there’s no going back, no changing anything, not who he is, she is or I am. We are who we are, we did what we did.”

“How did you cope?” Jules asked softly.

“I left, soon as I graduated high school. Took off my graduation robes, threw them on the bed, grabbed my guitar and left. I came to Denver, got in a band. You al know Floyd?” My eyes did a mini-scan and everyone nodded. “Wel , Floyd was the pianist. He told me I was good, better than most anyone he’d heard. Until then, no one had ever said anything like that to me in my whole effing life. Definitely not my Dad and also not my Mom. I knew why, if she did, she’d court the Wrath of Dad, so she didn’t.”

“Oh sugar,” Daisy whispered and I saw her eyes had tears in them.

“Don’t cry for me Daisy,” I said softly. “I’m not broken, just scarred.”