Ready to Wed (Ready #1.5)(10)

“Are you sure? Mommy said…”

“I know what she said, but I’ll change her mind, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Leah, can you take Maddie to the pool for a bit while I talk to Clare?”

“Sure thing!” she said brightly, trying to lighten the mood. “Come on, Short Stack,” she said, holding out her hand to Maddie, “Let’s go play in the water!”

Maddie held her hand out to Leah and gave a small giggle which was progress. Leah scooped her up and exited the bedroom. By the time they were leaving the suite, I could hear the two laughing. One girl down, one more to go.

~Clare~

There were times during Ethan’s illness when I literally thought my chest was caving in. The doctors told me it was due to stress. Acute panic attacks, I guess. Sometimes there were just too many things to remember—what drugs he was supposed to take and when, what doctor’s appointments to go to on what days, and what needed to be done…just in case. I kept my cool most of the time. I kept my brave face to show Ethan and the rest of the world. But there were times when I literally couldn’t breathe…when it felt like there were so many thoughts in my head that if I had just one more, it would literally explode.

And that’s when I would just shut down. I think it was for my own sanity. An off switch or something would engage and I would just shut down for a few hours until the breath returned to my lungs and my chest felt like it was back to its normal size.

As I was packing everything back into my suitcase the day before my wedding, I wondered how quickly we could get a flight back to Richmond. Listening to my daughter cry in the room next to me, I felt like I was moments away from that switch being flipped again.

He passed out. Right in front of me. The doctors told us he was going to be fine. We caught it early they said. A little bit of chemo and radiation and it should be fine, they said. I took a breath and stopped worrying after they told us that. He wasn’t Ethan. There wasn’t anything poisoning his brain, and he wasn’t going to die on me. We would get through this. Right after we said our vows and celebrated our marriage.

But then he nearly passed out on that beach and I forgot how to breathe again. Every fear, every moment of agony came rushing back. I told myself I would fight for him…that I would be strong for us. But…Oh God, what if the doctors were wrong? What if he wasn’t okay? What if he died, just like Ethan and I became a widow…again.

Neat folding turned into frantic packing. I started tossing everything in the suitcase without any sort of organization. TSA would just screw it all up right? I took one last look at my wedding dress, tucked away in its garment bag and put those sad thoughts behind me.

We needed to go home. Logan needed to go home. I would not lose another husband.

A knock on the door pulled my attention from thoughts and I saw Logan come into the bedroom. I had completely forgotten I had let him and Leah in a few minutes ago. I was so lost in myself I had barely registered opening the door.

“Hey, what is this I hear about us leaving?” he said, walking forward to take a seat on the bed next to me.

“We need to go home. I don’t feel right being here. You need to be home, with your doctors and immediate care if you need it.”

“And our wedding?” he asked.

I physically flinched at the reminder. By this time tomorrow, had things been different, Leah and my mother would be helping me into my wedding gown, making the final touches to my makeup. We would most likely be laughing as we watched Maddie twirl around in her dress, elated over her role as flower girl.

“We can wait. I just…I need you to be okay.”

I looked up just then into the eyes of the man I’d fallen in love with; the man who had stolen my heart, and saw nothing but love. His steel gray eyes held mine and I could do nothing but stare back into their depths.

Without breaking eye contact, he took my hand in his, intertwining our fingers and bringing them to his heart.

“Do you feel that?”

I nodded, feeling the warm, solid beat of his heart below my fingertips.

“That’s me telling you I’m right here, and I’m going to be right here forever, babe. I know you’re scared. I know you’re trying to be brave, but please don’t run.”

“I’m not running.”

“Yes, you are. You’re running back to where you feel safe. Whisking me back to my doctor, taking me to the hospital isn’t going to change anything. We were just there. I passed out because I had a bit too much sun. Let it be that, okay? But please, stay here with me. Marry me tomorrow. Become my wife. Because nothing is going to make me stronger than having you by my side.”

Before another second passed, I leaned forward, fusing my body to his and kissing him like it was my last dying wish. He instantly responded, flipping me so my back was flat against the mattress, as he hovered above me.

“Don’t tease me, Clare,” he warned. His eyes were already darker, and I could feel how much he wanted me. He gently rocked into the apex of my thighs just to remind me how hard and ready I’d made him.

“I’m not teasing.”

That’s all it took. He was on me in nanoseconds. His hands were everywhere, running up the inside of my thighs, pushing up my tank top to rip my bra from my body.

“Don’t ever make me wait that long again,” he said taking my breast in his hand, gently flicking the nipple with his thumb causing my toes to curl. “I think I almost went crazy.”