Raven's Strike (Raven #2)(48)

"I am nothing like Alinath." The Guardian crossed his arms over his chest and rocked back on his heels.

"You are. The only times she ever changed her mind was when she stopped arguing and started thinking. So you go think about what I've said - tell Jes what it is you fear. The weight of most problems can be lightened a bit by sharing. Trust Jes."

The Guardian was swaying slightly from one foot to the next, the way Jes did when he was upset.

"Why don't you go out for a run tonight?" Tier suggested gently. "I sometimes find that exercise and solitude make a lot of things clearer."

Without a word the Guardian opened the door and slipped out of the room. Tier heard the outside door open and shut quietly, then turned to his sleeping wife.

"I hope that helped him." He kissed her, then blew out the lantern and settled in for sleep.

When Jes came back to himself he was stretched out on a tree limb with his claws dug firmly into the bark as if the Guardian had been sharpening them.

Jes managed to climb down from the tree before he lost the cat-shape. It was difficult, but so was falling out of trees.

Once again in human form, he bent and stretched, trying to decide how far he'd come. He didn't feel too tired - not with the deep weariness that sometimes hit him when he awoke from the times when the Guardian shut him away. Hopefully, it wouldn't take him too long to walk home.

He wondered what Papa had said to send the Guardian out running into the woods.

<We need to talk.> The Guardian seemed subdued.

"All right." Jes's too-human voice sounded wrong out so deep in the woods. He didn't have to speak aloud - but it helped him keep track of who was saying what.

<Papa says that I should not hide things from you. Even frightening things.>

"What frightens you?"

<I remember things.>

"I know that."

Impatience and frustration overwhelmed him for a moment. Jes tossed his head in the vain attempt to shake the feelings away.

"Explain it to me then," he managed. "Why is remembering so frightening."

<I was something else once, something more. Something dangerous that might hurt you.>

"You've always been dangerous," Jes said. "That's the point, isn't it? How can we protect them if you're not dangerous?"

The Guardian didn't answer, so Jes started for home. While they'd been talking he'd found landmarks in the moonlit night and had a pretty good idea where he was and how to find the shortest way home.

<I always assumed I was a part of you, a part held separate by the Order.>

"You are a part of me."

Negation swamped him, and Jes stumbled over a dead branch that lay in his path. He stopped.

<I am a part of the Order,> the Guardian said. <But I was something more, once. Now I am a leech that will eventually destroy you.>

The Guardian's shame brought tears to Jes's eyes.

"You are a part of me," said Jes. "You help me keep my family safe. Tomorrow we are going to follow Lehr and keep him safe, too. That is what we do."

<I make your life miserable. She won't see you because of me. Eventually, I will cause you to go mad.>

"No," said Jes.

<I remember. I remember the madness. I will drive you mad as I have driven others mad. I see their faces when I dream. That is the reason Hennea won't take us.>

"I'm not mad yet," said Jes. "I don't feel like I'm going to go mad. Maybe I'm different from those others. Mother says that she thinks I am." He smiled to himself. "She says it might be stubborn solsenti blood. She says that if Aunt Alinath is too obstinate to give in to reason, that I can be too obstinate to give in to madness."

<She won't have us because of me.>

Jes knew who "she" was. He let his smile widen. "Papa says Hennea loves us. Let's give her time to understand we are stronger than she believes."

He waited for a heartbeat or two, but the Guardian had said all he intended to say.

Tier rested, but he couldn't sleep. Had he said enough to Jes? Or had he said too much? He didn't know as much as he needed to about the Guardian Order - though from what Seraph had told him, neither did anyone else.

He heard Lehr tossing and turning in the room below. He was worried about Lehr, too. Lehr was not reckless; he wouldn't take chances unless there was no other choice. If Lehr were only going off to face a half dozen bandits, Tier would not be half as nervous. Skill and caution were of little use against plague. He'd have to trust to Lehr's Hunter skills to get him safely to Benroln's clan and to Brewydd's skills to keep his son safe from the plague.

It went against his grain to have his son risk his life for him. It seemed the wrong way 'round. A father should be willing to lay down his life to protect his family - he shouldn't have to rely on his son. But he'd had the whole of his stay with the Path, when he thought he'd not live to see home again, to decide that without him, his family was too vulnerable. In five years that would not be so true, but for now his family needed him. And for all Seraph's mending he could tell that he wasn't whole yet.

His stay with the Path had left him with more than just physical ills, and he was certain he stood to lose more than his ability to sing a few songs. Seraph had told him often enough the Order wasn't just a facade that could be easily separated from the man he was, but was as much a part of him as his right arm. He was afraid that if whatever magic the Masters had worked upon him succeeded in severing his Order, there would be no stanching of the flow of his life's blood.