Rapture in Death (In Death #4)(68)

Still he plowed into her, hands digging into her hips to keep her open for him, his breath whistling in her ear. He took her brutally, and with none of the finesse or control that was such an innate part of him.

He couldn’t stop. Even as part of his brain stepped back, appalled at what he was doing, he simply couldn’t stop. The need was like a cancer eating at him and he had to sate it to survive. There was a voice somewhere in his head, greedy and gasping. Harder. Faster. More. It drove him, pushed him, until with one final vicious thrust, he emptied.

She held on. It was that or slide to the floor. He was shuddering like a man with a fever and she didn’t know whether to soothe him or belt him.

“Goddamn it, Roarke.” But when he pressed a hand to the wall to keep balance as he swayed, she lost any sense of insult in worry.

“Hey, what is it? How much have you had to drink, anyway? Come on, lean on me.”

“No.” With the violent need met, his mind cleared. And remorse was a hot weight in his belly. He shook off the dizziness and eased himself back. “Good God, Eve. Good God. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Okay. It’s okay.” He was sheet white. She’d never seen him look even remotely ill and was terrified. “I should get Summerset, somebody. You’ve got to lie down.”

“Stop it.” He very carefully nudged away her stroking hands and stepped back until they were no longer touching. How could she bear to have him touch her? “For Christ’s sake. I raped you. I just raped you.”

“No.” She said it firmly, hoping the tone of her voice would be as effective as a slap. “You did not. I know what rape is. What you did wasn’t rape, even if it was a little overenthusiastic.”

“I hurt you.” When she reached out, he held up his hands to stop her. “Goddamn it, Eve, you’re bruised from head to foot, and I shoved you against the wall in some f**king closet and used you. Used you like a — “

“Okay.” She stepped forward, but he shook his head. “Don’t back away from me, Roarke. That’s what will hurt. Don’t do that.”

“I need a minute.” He rubbed his hands over his face. He still felt light-headed and queasy, and worse, slightly out of himself. “Christ, I need a drink.”

“Which brings me back to my question. How much have you had?”

“Not enough. I’m not drunk, Eve.” He dropped his hands and looked around. A closet, was all he could think. For God’s pity, a closet. “I don’t know what happened, what came over me. I’m sorry.”

“I can see that.” But she still couldn’t see the whole picture. “You kept saying something. Weird. Like liomsa.”

His eyes darkened. “It’s Gaelic. Mine it means. I haven’t used Gaelic in… not since I was a boy. My father used it often when he was… on a drunk.”

He hesitated, then he reached out to graze his fingertips over her cheek. “I was so rough with you. So careless.”

“I’m not one of your crystal vases, Roarke. I can take it.”

“Not like that.” He thought of the whimpers and protests of the alley whores that had come through the thin walls and haunted him when his father had bedded them. “Never like that. I never thought of you. I didn’t care, and there’s no excuse.”

She didn’t want him humble. It unnerved her. “Well, you’re too busy beating yourself up for me to bother, so let’s go back.”

He touched her arm before she could open the door. “Eve, I don’t know what happened. Literally. One minute we were standing there, listening to Mavis, and the next… it was overpowering, vicious. Like my life depended on having you. Not just sex, but survival. I couldn’t control it. That’s not excusing what — “

“Wait.” She leaned back against the door a moment, struggled to separate woman from cop, wife from detective. “You’re not exaggerating?”

“No. It was like a fist around my throat.” He managed a very weak smile. “Well, perhaps that’s the wrong portion of the anatomy. There’s nothing I can say or do to — “

“Eject the guilt a minute, will you, and think.” Her eyes were cold now, hard as agate. “A sudden and irresistible urge — more a compulsion. One you, a very controlled man, couldn’t control? You just pounded yourself into me with all the finesse of a sweaty celibate breaking fast with a rented sex droid.”

He winced at that, felt the tear of guilt. “I’m all too aware of that.”

“And it’s not your style, Roarke. You’ve got moves, I can’t keep up with all of them, but they’re all slick, practiced. You may get rough, but never mean. And as one who’s made love with you in about every way that’s anatomically possible, I can certify that you’re never selfish.”

“Well.” He wasn’t quite certain how to react. “You humble me.”

“It wasn’t you,” she murmured.

“I beg to differ.”

“It wasn’t what you’ve made yourself into,” she corrected. “And that’s what counts. You snapped off. Something inside you snapped off. Or on. That son of a bitch.” Her breath shuddered out as she met Roarke’s eyes, and in them she saw the dawning of understanding. “That son of a bitch has something. He was telling me while we were dancing. He was f**king bragging, and I didn’t get it. But he just had to give a little demonstration. And that’s what’s going to hang him.”