Paradise Valley (Virgin River #7)(92)

“What about this is keeping you awake at night?” Jerry asked.

“You know, this isn’t easy on me, either,” Rick snapped. “Staying away from her isn’t exactly simple. But it’s better this way.”

Jerry leaned forward. “Listen, I think you’re going to have to try to be more specific. I’m not sure I’m following. We’ve talked about the girlfriend before and as I understand it, you explained to her that you couldn’t be her boyfriend anymore and that upset her. Correct?”

“Correct,” he answered tightly.

“And now she’s angry?”

“Whew,” Rick said, shaking his head. “I go to Jack’s every Friday afternoon for about an hour or so. After a week of PT and you, I’m wrecked, so Jack lets me have a beer and some dinner. She comes to the bar every week, knowing I’m going to be there, and she won’t look at me. I mean, she won’t even accidentally see me. Won’t speak to me. Smiles pretty at everyone else and it’s like I’m not there.”

Jerry tilted his head. “You don’t want to be her boyfriend anymore,” he pointed out.

“Well, I can’t be. It’s no good that way. For her. Believe me.”

“Okay, let me get this right,” Jerry said. “You told her you’re through—you two cannot be together. Sounds like maybe she believes you. Did you expect her to be a little more gracious about it?”

Rick glared through narrowed eyes. “You’re a smart-ass, you know that?”

“Sorry, that’s not my intention at all. I’m really trying to understand what about this is off. What about this is costing you sleep?”

“She could say hello,” he barked.

“Is it possible she’s angry with your decision to break it off with her?”

“Well, no shit! She even told me to grow up, like I’m being a real baby about having my leg blown off!”

“Did she say that?” Jerry asked.

“No, but that’s what she meant!”

“Are you certain?”

“Of course I’m certain!”

“Did she tell you exactly why she thought you should grow up?” Jerry asked.

“Listen to me! She didn’t have to!”

“I see, I think. So, her apparent anger with you is costing you sleep?”

He hung his head. “It’s hard,” he said softly, temporarily defeated. “It’s like she doesn’t get that it hurts me, too. It’s hard to stay away from her, hard not to be with her. For a long time, like four years, Liz was my whole life. I mean, everything. I was totally faithful to her while I was away from her. And she was faithful to me. She was a virgin before we…you know? She liked to tell me all the time that even though it worked out to be so hard, with the baby and everything, she was still glad that I was the first and she wanted me to be the only one. For a long time I wanted that, too.” He lifted his head. “I miss her a lot, you know. I miss everything.”

“Everything?” Jerry probed.

“That whole life I used to have—everything. Jack and Preacher, good times, hunting and fishing, laughing at every stupid thing. It was great watching Jack get in trouble with his wife and she’d dress him down good. And he’d backpedal like mad.” Rick laughed in spite of himself. “We’d go fish and if I hooked something, he couldn’t stay out of it—he’d be all over me, telling me what to do, like I’ve never been fishing before. Once he got into it with Preach—he got right in Preacher’s business and told him not to get involved with this woman….” Rick laughed and shook his head. “Preacher took Jack out! I didn’t think anyone could get a punch off on Jack—Jack’s a fast guy, and powerful. Preacher knocked him flat. I saw Jack’s shiner—it was awesome. And Preacher married that woman—Paige.”

It was silent in the office for a while.

“I used to be part of everything that went on there. Now I’m not.”

Jerry asked, “Do you feel abandoned by your friends?”

He shook his head. “I cut ’em off. Really, I’m a goddamn curse.”

“Did someone tell you that?” Jerry asked.

He shook his head again. “They tell me that’s not true, but it kind of looks like it is, don’t you think?”

“How’s that?”

Rick sighed. “We’ve been over all this,” he said impatiently. “About a hundred times. Bad things happen to people I get close to. I laid it out for you.”

“I recall,” Jerry said. “Why don’t you tell me about your anger.”

Rick leaned back in his chair and huffed at Jerry like he was just plain ridiculous. “Gimme a f**king break here, Powell.”

“Oh—you don’t feel like talking about that?”

“I’m totally pissed off. Like this is news?”

“Believe me, I’m all too aware. I’m wondering, if you talked about it a little more, if it might become apparent that these decisions you’re making to cut the important people out of your life, are driven by that anger. Rather than by sound reason. I wonder if the anger over what your war experience and injury have cost you is clouding some of your judgment in these issues. Maybe you’re just so goddamn angry, you want to hurt yourself even more.”