November 9(56)

I look at her car for a beat and then back at her. “Why did you drive here today?”

Confusion clouds her expression. She shakes her head, “That was our agreement. It’s November 9th.”

I squeeze her hand even harder. “Exactly. You usually come straight from the airport when we meet. Why are you in a car and not a cab?”

She stares up at me, defeat consuming her eyes. She expels a quick breath and looks at the ground. “I moved back,” she says with a shrug. “Surprise.”

Her words impale my chest, and I wince. “When?”

“Last month.”

I lean against her car and bury my face in the palms of my hands, trying to keep it together. I came here today, hoping for clarity. Hoping that seeing Fallon would stop the war that’s been raging inside of me since things started up with Jordyn.

And clarity is exactly what I’m getting. Since the second I walked into the restaurant and laid eyes on her, that feeling was back in my chest. The one I’ve never felt with any other girl. The feeling that makes me so terrified, I think my heart is about to burst right out of me.

I’ve never had that feeling with anyone but Fallon, but I still don’t know if that’s enough to make a difference. Because Fallon was right when she said it isn’t about what I want. It’s about what’s better for Oliver. But even that doesn’t seem like sound logic when I’m standing right in front of the only girl who has ever made me feel this way.

Now that Oliver is sound asleep in the car next to us and no longer in my arms, I pull Fallon to me. I wrap my arms around her desperately, needing to feel her against me. I close my eyes and try to think of words that will fix this, but the only words that come are all the things I shouldn’t say. “How did we let this happen?”

I know as soon as the words leave my mouth that I’m being unfair to Jordyn. But Jordyn is also being unfair to me, because she’ll never love me like she loved Kyle. And she has to know that I’ll never feel about her the way I feel for Fallon.

Fallon tries to pull away, but I hold her tight. “Wait. Please just answer one question.”

She relents and stays wrapped in my arms.

“Did you move back to L.A. for me? For us?”

As soon as I ask the question, I can feel her deflate. I can feel my heart tumbling down the walls of my chest. Her lack of denial forces me to squeeze her tighter. “Fallon,” I whisper. “God, Fallon.” I lift her chin and force her to look up at me. “Do you love me?”

Her eyes grow wide with fear, as if she has no clue what the answer to that question is. Or maybe the question scares her because she knows exactly how she feels about me, but she wishes she didn’t feel that way. I ask her again. I plead with her this time. “Please. I can’t make this decision until I know that I’m not alone in how I feel about you.”

She looks me pointedly in the eyes with an adamant shake of her head. “I’m not about to compete with a woman who is raising a child on her own, Ben. I won’t be the one who took you from her when she’s already been through too much. So don’t worry, you don’t have to make any decisions. I just made it for you.”

She tries to push past me, but I grab her face and try to plead with her. I can see the resolve in her eyes before I even speak. “Please,” I whisper. “Not again. We can’t make it through this if you walk away again.”

She looks up at me, vexed. “You didn’t give me a choice this time, Ben. You showed up in love with someone else. You share another woman’s bed. Your hands touch someone who isn’t me. Your lips make promises against skin that isn’t mine. And no matter who is at fault for that, whether it’s mine for walking away last year or yours for not knowing I did it for your own good, none of it changes things. It is what it is.” She slips from my grasp and opens her car door, looking up at me through damp lashes. “They’re lucky to have you. You’re a really great father to him, Ben.” She gets in her car, completely unaware that she’s about to pull away with my heart. I stand here, frozen, unable to stop her. Unable to speak. Unable to plead. Because I know there’s nothing I could say that would change things. Not today, anyway. Not until I make things right in all the other areas of my life.

She rolls down her window, wiping another tear from her cheek. “I won’t be back next year. I’m sorry if this ruined your book, that’s the last thing I wanted. But I just can’t do this anymore.”

She can’t give up for good. I grip the door of her car and lean in to the open window. “Fuck the book, Fallon. It was never about the book. It was about you, it always was.”

She stares at me, silent. And then she rolls up her window and pulls away, never once slowing down as I pound on the back of her car, chasing her until I can’t anymore.

“Shit!” I yell, kicking at the gravel beneath my feet. I kick it again, stirring up dust. “Goddammit!”

How am I supposed to go back to Jordyn now when I no longer have a heart to give her?

Fifth November

9th

My flaws are draped in her mercy

Revered by her false perception

And with her lips upon my skin

She will undress my deception.

—BENTON JAMES KESSLER

Fallon

Previously, when I would think about events in my life, I would organize those events chronologically in my mind as before the fire and after the fire.