Not Planning on You (Danvers #2)(55)
Beth and Ella walked ahead of them to the restaurant down the street. Suzy and Claire walked at a slower speed due to her crutches and Claire’s pregnancy waddle. She was surprised when Claire said, “I’m just going to throw this out there so you will know. Gray told Jason about the mess with Reva and you know Jason can’t keep a secret from me to save his life.”
“Geez and they say that women are gossips. The men around here seem to keep nothing to themselves do they?”
Claire looked relieved that she didn’t seem upset about Gray telling them. “How are you feeling about everything, my friend? I have to admit, I’d probably be freaking out right now.”
Giving Claire a smile of reassurance that she was far from feeling, Suzy said, “I’m either handling this really well or I’m still in shock and the freak out will come soon. Actually I think I was doing pretty well until Gray called. He’s having dinner with Reva tonight.”
“Oh wow, not what you wanted to hear, right?”
“No, not really, I think I’d managed to pretend it didn’t exist for a while and that just brought it all back home. Claire, you know besides my rather warped sense of humor, I’m a good person, right?”
“Honey, of course you are, one of the best I know. Why would you even need to ask that?”
Suzy hated what she was going to say and she probably wouldn’t have been able to admit it to anyone other than Claire. There wasn’t a judgmental bone in her body and she loved that about her. “If I’m a good person, why do I feel the way I do about Reva and the baby? When I think about Reva I want to choke her. Did you hear me? I’m admitting to wanting to choke a pregnant woman. That’s just wrong isn’t it?”
Claire put her arm around Suzy’s waist and hugged her. “Oh Suzy, I’d probably feel the same way. You and Gray have waited so long to be together and finally you’re right on the verge of having it all and this comes along. I’m not going to kid you, I’d probably be freaking out.”
“Oh I’m freaking out inside. With Gray back in Charleston, I feel kind removed from it all. It’s almost like this happened to someone I know rather than to me.” Suzy braced herself to admit something to Claire that she could hardly admit to herself. “I’m scared Claire, I don’t know if I can do this. When I think about our lives from this point forward if Gray is the father of her child, it terrifies me. We will never have a normal life together. I’ll always be last, Claire, just as I have my whole life.”
Claire noticed that Beth and Ella had stopped at the entrance to the restaurant waiting for them to catch up. She motioned them on inside and turned to her friend. “Suzy, God I wish I had the words of wisdom that you need. I know that you love each other, but only you can decide what you can or can’t do. If going forward it becomes more than you can handle then you will have to know when to say when. Just take it day by day and hopefully you and Gray will be able to find something that works for everyone. That man has loved you since the moment he laid eyes on you and I know he’s going to do everything in his power to make you happy.”
With a sniff, Suzy said, “I really hate this, I feel like a crappy person for thinking of myself right now.”
Giving her a light punch in the arm, Claire said, “Hey that’s my best friend you’re trashing, you better lay off her.”
“Ok pregnant Rambo, calm down before you blow your plug over there.”
Claire threw back her head and laughed. “Rambo, hey I like that.”
“Uh ok, let’s get you inside. All of that laughter is making your stomach twitch in a rather scary way. Just calm down, please.”
Claire laughed even harder at the alarmed look on her friend’s face. Suzy really was priceless. Even though she knew that her friend was hurting, she never failed to make her laugh. She hoped and prayed that Gray knew what he was doing. She didn’t know how Suzy would survive losing him, but the fear in her words had scared Claire. Maybe it was time to see if the pillow talk worked in reverse. Normally when they were in bed at night talking about their day, Jason told her what was going on with Gray or Nicholas. Maybe she could let him know of her fears for Suzy and somehow try to communicate them to Gray without breaking her friend’s confidence.
“Hey Claire, Claireeeeee, come back.”
“Whoops, sorry about that. When you’re pregnant, you tend to zone out a lot.” She grabbed her friend’s hand and led her into the restaurant before Suzy could quiz her about what she’d been thinking.
~~~
Suzy was tired but satisfied when she hobbled behind Nick and Beth into the house. Of course getting around at work had been more challenging with a cast, but it was good to be back in the office again. She and Beth worked well together, and Suzy secretly hoped that Beth would decide to stay for a while.
They had decided to order a pizza since no one was in the mood to cook so Beth placed the order and Suzy went to the bedroom to change into something more comfortable. Having Nick and Beth here now seemed so natural. What would she do if she went back to being alone? People who knew her, even her closest friends, assumed she was a strong, independent woman who needed no one. She’d learned long ago that it was safer to keep that illusion going. It was all an elaborate act of smoke and mirrors. Even Jeff, who she’d spent so many years with, had never known the real Suzy. She’d always held something back from him. Maybe she was afraid that if she gave him all of her, he’d know that she wasn’t good enough. Hadn’t she learned that from her parents?