Nets and Lies(12)

The seconds ticked agonizingly by. I heard him straightening his clothes. Then he cleared his throat. “Jesus, Mel, I-I’m sorry.”

My only reply was to involuntarily begin shaking. “I didn’t know you were a…” he trailed off. His words pierced my heart with the double-edged sword of his actions. “I just assumed you and Will had been together.” He gingerly touched my bare back, and I winced. “I would have taken it slower if I’d known that.”

I choked off a sob. He wasn’t even sorry that’d he… raped me—just that he’d taken my virginity. Finally, I opened my eyes. Without realizing it, I’d rolled away from him. I clutched my knees to my chest, trying to cover myself. I felt my t-shirt wadded beneath me. Left only with my sports bra on, I didn’t know what had happened to my shorts and underwear.

“Mel, I am sorry.”

I didn’t know what he wanted me to say. So, I merely nodded. After all, speaking seemed foreign to me. I feared if I opened my mouth, the sobs that had built up inside me and lodged in my throat would come spewing out. Something deep within me thought they might never stop.

“I hope you can forgive me.”

I refused to meet his gaze.

“I crossed the line. It won’t ever happen again, I swear. I’ve got problems at home, Mel. I’m in therapy, and I’ll get this sorted out. I swear,” he pleaded.

I didn’t want his apologies or his excuses. I just wanted out of there. I wanted to crawl under my covers and die of the pain and humiliation.

When I still didn’t respond, he exhaled noisily. “You know, telling someone about this won’t do any good.”

My gaze snapped to his. “What?” I croaked.

“It’s just a no-win situation for either of us. If you go to the authorities, I’m screwed. But so are you.”

Horrified, I continued to stare at him. “How?”

“Because of Will.”

And with that, Coach T silenced any thoughts I might have had of reporting him. So, I finally gave him the words he was so desperate for. “I won’t tell anyone. Ever.”

My traitorous words echoed off my ears as I came back to myself on the shower floor. A knock at the door caused me to jump. It was my mom. “Melanie, are you all right? You’ve been in there an awfully long time.”

Speak, Melanie, a voice commanded within me. It should’ve been easy. I’d been doing it since I was barely a year old. But it seemed impossible. We’d even taught our two black Labs, Scout and Jem, to do it, so why couldn’t I?

“Melanie?”

I dug my nails into my forearm until tears stung my eyes. The pain caused my voice to break through the levels of my consciousness. “I’m fine, Mom. Just a few more minutes, okay? The water feels really good on my head.” The lie tumbled easily from my lips—far more easily than the truth ever would.

“Okay, but don’t stay too much longer.” She paused, and then I heard her laughter. “Will says you’re going to turn into a shriveled prune.”

At the mention of Will, bitter tears streaked down my face. Oh God, was I really not going to tell what had happened? Deep down, I knew what I should do. I’d seen enough television programs to know I should’ve come straight in and told my mom. I should have been carted off to the hospital where some stranger would poke and prod me with a rape kit, making me die a thousand deaths under the scratchy white sheet pulled up to my chin.

Then if I survived that degradation, I’d have to relive the experience itself over and over again as I told my story to investigators, maybe even as I testified at trial. In my mind, I could see a courtroom full of spectators, eagerly leaning forward in their seats to digest the juicy details.

No, no, no!

I couldn’t bear that.

What about my parents? The mere thought made me tremble. I imagined the expressions that would appear on their faces—the horror, the agony, the guilt, maybe even the shame. What would news like this to do them? They’d always sworn to protect me no matter what. They’d feel like failures. Plus, I’d always been the least trouble out of my siblings. The one my parents could always depend on to stay out of trouble, therefore saving them face. But if I admitted this, then I would become the pitied child that all my parents’ friends gossiped about. “Did you hear about Joe and Suzanne’s daughter being raped? Yeah, it’s torn them all apart.”

I couldn’t bear that.

Then once again my thoughts went to Will—the love of my life. The only guy who’d ever given me the time of day. The only guy I’d ever dated and kissed and fooled around with. The only guy I could ever imagine being with until death do us part. The guy who sat in my room right now doing an essay for me just so I wouldn’t lose a measly ten points.

Not only would Will’s father be carted off to jail, but Coach T would lose his job. He’d never coach or teach ever again. Even though anger burned within me for Coach T, the fact remained I was in love with his son. If I told the world my boyfriend’s father raped me, our relationship would crumble. Will’s seemingly perfect life would be shattered, and in some horrible and warped way, I would be the cause of it.

I couldn’t bear that.

I silently lifted my eyes to the Heavens. I shook my head. I’d been a believer all my life. I’d gone to church religiously—I’d even been played Mary twice in our Christmas pageants.