Need Me (Broke and Beautiful #2)(49)

Enough for tonight. If he kept up this line of thinking, he’d need to say the thoughts out loud. They might have just screwed each other’s brains out in the sex session of his life, but he wouldn’t take for granted that he was out of the woods. If he wanted to build a relationship with her, it needed to be on a foundation of more than sex. Un-f*cking-believable, sweaty, tear-your-hair-out sex, yes. But still. He needed her to know him. Trust him. And he needed to achieve that without shaking her and demanding she let him keep her.

“Where are we?”

A breeze rolled over them, blowing a few strands of her hair across his face. “My baseball field.”

“Your baseball field?”

Honey hummed in her throat. “Mmm hmm. I built it.” She raised her head and looked around through one squinted eye. “Looks like we landed in the outfield.”

“The place where all your thoughts and secrets get swallowed up by a discreet blue sky.” He quoted her assignment without thinking. When Ben felt her staring—probably because he’d just let it slip how pathetic he’d become over her—he quickly changed the subject. “Tell me about this place. When did you build it?”

Her fingers drew circles on his stomach, making his eyelids feel heavy. “This place was just weeds and beer cans until my parents and I cleaned it up. Spent hours and hours out here.” God, her voice was soothing. Soft and easy. “They wouldn’t let me join the Little League because I was a girl, so I started my own. Right here.” She paused for a while, and he sensed she was gathering her thoughts. “This place. It’s the thing I’m most proud of in the world.”

His throat tightened. “Thank you for bringing me here.” She nodded against his shoulder but didn’t say anything. As if she hadn’t just crawled up inside his heart and put down permanent roots. After reading her latest paper, he knew baseball was important to her, but now he understood why. He felt humbled to be included in any way, and he wanted to return the favor. By opening up and talking about the past. Things he usually preferred to keep to himself but couldn’t any longer. Not if he wanted her to see him and know him. “Honey, there’s a reason I did what I did back in New York.” When she stiffened a little, he pulled her closer. “A reason, not an excuse.”

“Tell me,” she said eventually.

Ben swallowed his nerves. “I told you my father played for the Patriots.” She shifted so she could look up at him, but having her eyes on him was comforting rather than disconcerting. “We lived in a huge house with an indoor swimming pool. Gardeners, maids. Things nobody needs.” He shrugged. “And then one day it was all gone. He’d slept with an underage girl, and it was just everywhere. Pictures of them together. Video.”

“Oh, Ben . . .”

“He just kept repeating, ‘She lied, she lied,’ but it didn’t matter. He didn’t seem to realize that. Our family was being torn apart. Who cared if she lied?” He took a deep breath. “Only, it must have stuck with me, Honey. It makes me sick that it did. Makes me sick that I let something that happened fifteen years ago have anything to do with us.”

She was completely still against him. “I lied to you. That’s why—”

“That was only part of it,” he rushed to say. “I know what happens when a man loses his judgment. I’ve seen it. Before I met you, nothing could threaten what I had. Nothing made me feel strongly enough. You did. You did, and I thought if I pushed you away, I’d save myself. But I ended up doing the opposite. Watching you get into that cab . . . I didn’t survive it. I was dead until I got here and saw you again.”

Her breath hitched. She used his chest for leverage and sat up to stare out at the baseball field. Ben followed suit, ready to beg in order to find out what was going on in her head. Thankfully, she didn’t keep him waiting too long. “I am a threat, though, Ben. It’s all good and well to play house while we’re in Bloomfield, but if—when—I go back to New York, I’m still your student. What happened to your father could happen to you, and it would be my fault.”

“No.” His heart pounded. “It won’t happen.”

“It easily could.” She plowed her hands through her hair. “What are we doing here, Ben?”

He got in front of her and laid a hand over her mouth. “I can’t lose my job. Or I can. But it wouldn’t matter, because I’ve just accepted a new position at NYU. This morning, anyway.” Her eyes shot wide over the top of his hand. What did that mean? “As soon as we get back, I’m going to hand in my notice at Columbia.” Not an ounce of nerves accompanied that statement. “You might need to drop my class until the semester is over, babe. I wouldn’t want to jeopardize you.”

When Ben slowly removed his hand, her mouth fell open. “W-why didn’t you say anything?”

He barked a laugh. “Why do you think? I don’t even know if you’re going to give me a second chance. I didn’t want you to think I’d taken it for granted.” Something hard stuck in his chest. “Jesus, I’m not even sure anymore if you want to come back to New York. With or without me. But I hate to tell you, Honey, I’m going to try and make staying here impossible for you. I’m going to make it as hard for you to watch me get on a plane as it was for me to watch you get into that cab.”